Okay I shall try to make this pretty snappy. I've got piles and piles of holiday work which i havent even touched. But I still REALLLY don't even want to go near it. sigh. really dreading it and I'm really having to forcibly drag myself to pull through that whole stack. And thats not counting revision and tests which will greet us on the first day of school. How nice. Oh well I guess this is all my Christmas presents.
Yesterday I had a great time at em's place. Dinner was awesomeee!!! Just like the christmas eve dinner at tua ee's place. Christmas food is always so delicious. The turkey, which i only ever eat during Christmas, was tender and the stuffings and sauces for it made it even more tasty! Chestnut stuffing at ah peng ee's place really tasted gooood! :D And then there's the ham, the baked cauliflower and meatballs, beef, curry, mushroom soup, lobster bisque, baguette...YUM YUM YUM!! :D
And I finally met up with most of my cousins. On Christmas eve Mel and I were just squealing and fangirling. MUAHAHA. I've influenced her to like GD, GOOD GOOD GOOD! :D but sorry, he still belongs to me ONLY. You may only look from afar, got that? :P And I had a nice talk with Darren too! And on Christmas day, it was isketch and cards all the way! So fun ehh cousins! :D hahaha! I remember when we were younger and we would always run around and play, and play so many card games until late at night. We often played blind mice too. Its getting harder to go wild and be playful as we get older. Funny how we don't find all these games as appealing as before. But nevertheless, I still had a really really wonderful time with them! Loser drinks a very tasty drink and winnder shuffles the cards! ;)
Last night though, i was really feeling not at peace. Inside, i was screaming. I need to, I want to, I have to....know and talk to you! Anxious, nervous,desperate...these aren't exactly what i was feeling. I was just feeling hmm..rather uneasy, slightly restless and just, not at peace. I don't even need to feel this way anyway, I have no obligation to, and you have no obligation to me to tell me anything too. Though just not knowing, not being able to get you, and really being clueless about it all made me feel so...i don't know, i might even say, abit afraid. Its crazy, its dumb, its absolutely baseless and irrational. But my heart was sinking with every passing minute, getting more and more restless, wondering and wondering.
and i just crashed on the bed when i got home. i was tired. about 3am i got up to go back to bed properly, and i prayed. And I thank you Lord. Thank you. I did all sorts of silly things then. I didn't even care if i would be awoken at night, with whatever stupid ringtone. I honestly NEEDED to hear from you and to know.
So there I was at night, awaking to that loud tone i myself had set. Half awake and through sleepy, droopy eyes, I saw whatever made the tone go off, and after that, falling back down onto my pillow again, and then after that unconciously getting up to reply. When I see them now, the messages were pretty far apart in time. But still, thank you for bothering. I really can't remember what went on in the wee early hours of the morning, my head's pretty clogged and i don't even know how i was able to type out what i did though it was really just one line HAHAHA. But with that, I finally found my peace again. To know.
Its not like I always know, but this time is different because you're going away. Korea. I really really REALLY want to go back there, especially with you. It would have been AMAZING.
I miss you sooo much! knowing you're not in the same place as me makes me miss you even more. and knowing you're in the place which "connects" us makes me yearn even more.
2 of the most important people to me are in Korea right now. wish i were there too.
And so I wait, with you gone, and when you're back, I'll be waiting for you to share. Please.
SAM! YOU haven't replied my text!! Y O U! TSK TSK! WORK AWAITS. SERIOUSLY, JUST GET DOWN TO IT. JUST. DO. IT.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
It's Christmas everybody! Merry Merry Christmas!
This time of the year again. Last year this time, everything ended. Wow, its going to be a brand new year soon. Though actually, I don't feel the NEW-ness of 2011, probably because i already know whats in store, and everything's going to just go back being what it was like in 2010.
Well anyway, its not the new year YET so we'll save the new year talk for next week. :) HAHA.
I remember last year I was in Taiwan and Hong Kong during the december period. And especially in Hong Kong, Christmas carols kept playing in all the shops. All around me I heard "Oh I wish it could be christmas every day....", "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...", and one of my most favourite modern Christmas song, Mariah Carey's catchy "All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuu".
I remember thinking of you everytime that song played, especially that last line. And I remembered wondering if i would still feel the same way the next year (which is this year).
Well Korea did make me think about you alot. Almost everything in my world reminds me of you. Which is probably a very bad thing. But I'm slowly learning to live like that, with you apart and with us just remaining where we have moved on from. Thank you for still bothering to talk to me, never really dismissing me when i so often talk to you. I think i know why you still bother to have conversations with me, and why you often still ask about my life. And that just makes me abit more certain of the past. It always circles around my head.
EH. Since when did this post end up to be about you again???! Oh well. What to do. You're going to Korea tomorrow too. Wish we had gone during the same period :( I really want to go there with you. It would have been awesome. Japan would be great too! :D HAHA STOP DREAMING =.=
Okay I'm about to head off to my aunt's house now...MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS HOHOHOHOHO!
This time of the year again. Last year this time, everything ended. Wow, its going to be a brand new year soon. Though actually, I don't feel the NEW-ness of 2011, probably because i already know whats in store, and everything's going to just go back being what it was like in 2010.
Well anyway, its not the new year YET so we'll save the new year talk for next week. :) HAHA.
I remember last year I was in Taiwan and Hong Kong during the december period. And especially in Hong Kong, Christmas carols kept playing in all the shops. All around me I heard "Oh I wish it could be christmas every day....", "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...", and one of my most favourite modern Christmas song, Mariah Carey's catchy "All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuu".
I remember thinking of you everytime that song played, especially that last line. And I remembered wondering if i would still feel the same way the next year (which is this year).
Well Korea did make me think about you alot. Almost everything in my world reminds me of you. Which is probably a very bad thing. But I'm slowly learning to live like that, with you apart and with us just remaining where we have moved on from. Thank you for still bothering to talk to me, never really dismissing me when i so often talk to you. I think i know why you still bother to have conversations with me, and why you often still ask about my life. And that just makes me abit more certain of the past. It always circles around my head.
EH. Since when did this post end up to be about you again???! Oh well. What to do. You're going to Korea tomorrow too. Wish we had gone during the same period :( I really want to go there with you. It would have been awesome. Japan would be great too! :D HAHA STOP DREAMING =.=
Okay I'm about to head off to my aunt's house now...MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS HOHOHOHOHO!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Christmas is coming...I can feel it everywhere, see it everywhere and taste it. I can feel the general winding down period during this time of year, where everyone just kind of slows down whatever they are doing. Or maybe its just lazy me. HA.
I want to change my skin to a christmas one! I think I have some links stored somewhere..but i can't really remember where they are now. I have to find a day to put up the Christmas decorations and tree at home too! Maybe tomorrow? When the whole family will be home? Its so hard to get us all 4 together now. And even when we are together, we don't really talk. Whats happening? Teenage angst?
Its Christmastime, and the past few days have been pretty cold, even in sunny, blazing hot, humid Singapore. I've been feeling pretty cold too, physically AND emotionally. Cold and empty, sometimes like my heart has been grabbed with a freezing, icicle hand, causing it to freeze over.
I'm still upset and depressed over saturday. After that day, you've been circling my mind more than ever.
When will we EVER get a chance to sit down properly and catch up properly? With you actually making some effort too? (though yes I admit saturday was MOSTLY my fault, but YOU had some nasty contributions to it too) So, tell me, when? I don't want to have to wait so long because I know as time drags on, you'll no longer care and I'll probably cease to exist in your life. But of course, this'll never happen. You don't have reason nor do you want to meet me by yourself right? But who else can I call when everyone has just fallen apart.
I had a thought in my mind, maybe in the future, when you have finally gotten your dream and moved to Japan and opened your ramen shop, like you said last time, I'd walk in one day, and wait for you to finish, or maybe while your shop is totally empty, and we'd just sit on one of the tables and talk. That'd be nice, but would it have to wait so long? And anyway, this is just a figment of my imagination.
I really really miss you.
I want to change my skin to a christmas one! I think I have some links stored somewhere..but i can't really remember where they are now. I have to find a day to put up the Christmas decorations and tree at home too! Maybe tomorrow? When the whole family will be home? Its so hard to get us all 4 together now. And even when we are together, we don't really talk. Whats happening? Teenage angst?
Its Christmastime, and the past few days have been pretty cold, even in sunny, blazing hot, humid Singapore. I've been feeling pretty cold too, physically AND emotionally. Cold and empty, sometimes like my heart has been grabbed with a freezing, icicle hand, causing it to freeze over.
I'm still upset and depressed over saturday. After that day, you've been circling my mind more than ever.
When will we EVER get a chance to sit down properly and catch up properly? With you actually making some effort too? (though yes I admit saturday was MOSTLY my fault, but YOU had some nasty contributions to it too) So, tell me, when? I don't want to have to wait so long because I know as time drags on, you'll no longer care and I'll probably cease to exist in your life. But of course, this'll never happen. You don't have reason nor do you want to meet me by yourself right? But who else can I call when everyone has just fallen apart.
I had a thought in my mind, maybe in the future, when you have finally gotten your dream and moved to Japan and opened your ramen shop, like you said last time, I'd walk in one day, and wait for you to finish, or maybe while your shop is totally empty, and we'd just sit on one of the tables and talk. That'd be nice, but would it have to wait so long? And anyway, this is just a figment of my imagination.
I really really miss you.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
So these 2 days its mostly been Festival of Sports going on in school. Everyone seems so much darker and tanner now, especially since the sun has been BLAZING hot. roasty and toasty!!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...
it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.
i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...
it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.
i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
i feel like i'm having some mental breakdown. i don't know why this is happening, why its suddenly so strong.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.
-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --
and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.
that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.
and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.
i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.
-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --
and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.
that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.
and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.
i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
thanks for always caring a whole fat lot.
yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.
yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.
to even think it was possible was already a huge, stupid mistake in itself.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.
Sunday, October 03, 2010
sometimes, i think, forget it. seriously, just, whatever. i give so much, put in so much effort, but i don't get anything in return. i'm done done done trying to always be the one. if you all can't appreciate, give A LITTLE ITTY BIT of reciprocation, FINE. WHATEVER. at least, i know that out there, there are people who do care. and they are the ones who matter.
-
i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.
-
i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.
the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.
why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.
i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.
and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.
the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.
why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.
i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.
and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
when i see them, it reminds me so much of you and i.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.
how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.
so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.
how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.
so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
I have a 3 hour session with raymond later today.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.
damm indeed.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.
damm indeed.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Finally, a proper conversation and proper goodnight.and a smile which so rarely comes out from you. thank you.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.
and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.
damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.
and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.
damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
what is wrong with you seriously. REPLY ME!!!
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(
I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(
I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Somewhere out there (in Singapore, at Marina Bay to be exactly specific), the nation and the rest of the world is partying, celebrating a closing of a wonderful, memorable event. And I.....meanwhile.....have just finished a round of econs tuition and am preparing to go for math tuition. and when I get back, tutorials and pw to be done.
This is utterly depressing.
Last day the athletes are going to be here and staying at the yov.
Tom Daley :(
This is utterly depressing.
Last day the athletes are going to be here and staying at the yov.
Tom Daley :(
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
(music can really distort your mood)
PINK. It doesn't show up that well but, oh well.
2 more days left before the YOG is over. And then, back to boring. Well, i KNOW i wasn't involved with the games, but at least there was SOMETHING taking place in the country, something happening and exciting, something which brought SO MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER. I love this International stuff, where you get to meet different people and interact with them, make many valuable friends, learn about different cultures. yes, sounds like the normal and typical globalisation and cultural exchange experience, but this is what i really do enjoy. Especially if i get to meet people from the countries which i am interested in.
But I can't talk as if I actually did all those things, because i didn't. Even though i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED) WANTED TO. I really really REALLY wanted to be more involved and actually in the action of things in the YOG. And I really feel EXTREMELY GUTTED (HAHAHA A NEW EXPRESSION I LEARNT FROM TOM DALEY - reading all the reports about him and his interviews) that i didn't get to be one of those people in the purple yog shirts. Seriously, everytime I see one of those purple people...........you do NOT know how absolutely jealous i am of them. and its going to end so soon, and never coming back, and i never will get to do anything.
it marks 2 more days too, that Tom Daley is going to be here in Singapore. He probably won't ever really come back since he doesn't have reason to and he lives so faraway. asgfbasjgbasgbasgb i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED AGAIN) WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't enjoy fangirling. Though I must admit I am highly susceptible to it. I don't enjoy it cos when i occasionally indulge in it, i go ALL CRAZY. And I don't like this because its irrational and illogical. But yet, it kind of (for me at least) offers me some other hope and life to my otherwise shitty, boring, mundane and plain old education academic lifestyle. =.=
But Tom Daley is really someone I want to meet. sigh. being irrational and impossible here. i will definitely NOT get so see him though he is just right HERE, right HERE IN THIS COUNTRY which is soooo small i could travel anywhere around it!!!! The perfect opportunity going to waste. How totally totally wasted. I am really depressed about this. I am not joking, even though i sound like i am. i am really really upset and depressed about this.
was SUPERBLY upset and depressed that we couldnt watch russel and jabez too. how absolutely horrid to not be allowed to support both our classmates playing in the same match, especially the USA one. the intensity of it, and the importance of it... :( we missed all that.
well. 2 more days. i'm still going to miss all this yog fever though. and having Tom Daley here too, of course. :(
PINK. It doesn't show up that well but, oh well.
2 more days left before the YOG is over. And then, back to boring. Well, i KNOW i wasn't involved with the games, but at least there was SOMETHING taking place in the country, something happening and exciting, something which brought SO MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER. I love this International stuff, where you get to meet different people and interact with them, make many valuable friends, learn about different cultures. yes, sounds like the normal and typical globalisation and cultural exchange experience, but this is what i really do enjoy. Especially if i get to meet people from the countries which i am interested in.
But I can't talk as if I actually did all those things, because i didn't. Even though i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED) WANTED TO. I really really REALLY wanted to be more involved and actually in the action of things in the YOG. And I really feel EXTREMELY GUTTED (HAHAHA A NEW EXPRESSION I LEARNT FROM TOM DALEY - reading all the reports about him and his interviews) that i didn't get to be one of those people in the purple yog shirts. Seriously, everytime I see one of those purple people...........you do NOT know how absolutely jealous i am of them. and its going to end so soon, and never coming back, and i never will get to do anything.
it marks 2 more days too, that Tom Daley is going to be here in Singapore. He probably won't ever really come back since he doesn't have reason to and he lives so faraway. asgfbasjgbasgbasgb i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED AGAIN) WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't enjoy fangirling. Though I must admit I am highly susceptible to it. I don't enjoy it cos when i occasionally indulge in it, i go ALL CRAZY. And I don't like this because its irrational and illogical. But yet, it kind of (for me at least) offers me some other hope and life to my otherwise shitty, boring, mundane and plain old education academic lifestyle. =.=
But Tom Daley is really someone I want to meet. sigh. being irrational and impossible here. i will definitely NOT get so see him though he is just right HERE, right HERE IN THIS COUNTRY which is soooo small i could travel anywhere around it!!!! The perfect opportunity going to waste. How totally totally wasted. I am really depressed about this. I am not joking, even though i sound like i am. i am really really upset and depressed about this.
was SUPERBLY upset and depressed that we couldnt watch russel and jabez too. how absolutely horrid to not be allowed to support both our classmates playing in the same match, especially the USA one. the intensity of it, and the importance of it... :( we missed all that.
well. 2 more days. i'm still going to miss all this yog fever though. and having Tom Daley here too, of course. :(
Once again, Romantic is playing. And the one who reminds me of everything, and who will definitely be the one who pops up in my head, is there. after so long, almost a week i think, of not being there.
i feel nothing now, no need or urge, because i am living in a dream and thinking of the impossible. when i say i am depressed, i really am. i'm NOT joking even though it might just seem superficial, flighty, bimbotic stuff.
i feel nothing now, no need or urge, because i am living in a dream and thinking of the impossible. when i say i am depressed, i really am. i'm NOT joking even though it might just seem superficial, flighty, bimbotic stuff.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.
today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.
as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.
well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.
missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!
today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.
as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.
well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.
missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........
that smile could melt me anytime though.
but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.
but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.
it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........
that smile could melt me anytime though.
but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.
but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.
it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.
Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.
SERIOUSLY.
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.
Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.
SERIOUSLY.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.
today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.
on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.
today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.
on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
its really easy to see who cares about you and who doesn't. its so easy to just give a superficial, seemingly caring response, but it will be a mistake to take you seriously. to think that maybe, just maybe, you remembered how anxious i had been and bothered to follow up. of course not. so many years of knowing you (and you guys), i really thought you all could be my true, best friends. i care a whole darn lot about your affairs. when you're anxious, sad, hurt, angry, i'll try my best. and i show my care and concern. once you're okay though, i don't know, it seems like i'm just one of those friends you'll only talk to once in a while, if you feel like it. i am really annoyed at always having to be the one reaching out to you. you don't even really spare a thought for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i thought you were one of my best friends. seems like you're drifting away, and taking advantage of my effort, assuming it'll always be there. looks like i was wrong. i was hoping so hard you wouldn't be a friend like her, but i'm wrong. you've become like her. but she's changed, though i no longer will trust her. but you? (and you guys? just especially you) and you don't even really bother talking or striking up conversation with me. well. ain't this friendship just give me a wonderful feeling.
Monday, July 05, 2010
It is just a DRAMA
So the past 2 days after finishing blocks, I have been holing myself at home, glued to the computer and my seat, watching a korean drama GOD OF STUDY.
Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.
The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.
I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D
All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.
It really is just a drama!
Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.
The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.
I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D
All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.
It really is just a drama!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.
And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!
And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I don't want to make a stupid decision. BUT the heart is meddling with the head.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.
And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.
And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Really, not a single word from you. I can't believe it, but i should. i should have expected, should have known. and i should get used to it, since it WILL be like that. i see that you're there, uncaring, and i really want to cry, because i WANT you to care, because I CARE!
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.
but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.
but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.
Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.
Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...
Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.
Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...
Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..
Friday, June 18, 2010
i need to learn to lock my heart.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.
yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.
i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.
i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.
and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.
but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.
one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.
yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.
i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.
i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.
and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.
but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.
one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
When reality slaps you in the face, you can't run. It surrounds you like 4 walls, slowly closing in on you, until you can hardly take it, can hardly breathe.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.
But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.
shit, the hot tears have begun.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.
But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.
shit, the hot tears have begun.
Tall and lanky,
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),
...
...
They're all,
Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.
Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),
...
...
They're all,
Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.
Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tomorrow I'll be going there. I wonder how I'll take to it, whether I'll be overwhelmed again. I can't stop the memories, i can't not feel sad. I wish so bad that time could be reversed, or I might get another chance. But its never going to happen girl. Suck it up and move on. There really is this empty hole, something lacking and missing. It sucks that I can't go through this hard times with you guys.
Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...
I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.
Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...
I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
When I sit in front of my computer, with this page open, and I think about my life, so many thoughts come into my head. The end of the first semester in school, june holidays now, europe trip, tuition friends, primary school friends, family...everything in general. So what do I have to say about them? I've made many wrong choices, I think, choices which have made me deeply unhappy. Even until now, I still regret, and will probably always regret as well. But I have been blessed too, because within those wrong choices, I have found some precious bits of joy. I still hope though, for a second chance. And I'm really really REALLY hoping for it. And I need to work harder. ALOT HARDER. REALLY ALOT. If not, I am going to die. I really am NOT going to die because i WILL MUST SHALL CAN WORK HARDER. GOO! Jc's really very much different and tougher, seems like we need to suddenly grow up so much faster. its scary, and hard to do, but we will all just have to grow up. There's no other option.
I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.
And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?
People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!
Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.
Bye guys, take lots of care!
I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.
And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?
People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!
Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.
Bye guys, take lots of care!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
A simple phone call with contents nothing special or interesting or important at all can make me so happy. I really smile everytime I think about it.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...
I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.
You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...
I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.
You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
from now on, if you dont give a shit, i won't care either. i'm tired of always being the one initiating, caring about your affairs and being the only one actually trying to maintain our friendship. i bet if one day i'm gone in your life, it won't even make a difference to you, you'll just go on making lots and lots of new friends right? so i'll just try my best to stop caring right now. you never even consider how i might feel. the whole world does not just revolve around you and YOUR feelings. other people have feelings too, and sometimes, it would really mean a lot if you SEEMED to care, just a little bit. i am soooo tired of always being the one putting in effort. a friendship needs 2 hands to clap, it is made up of TWO PEOPLE. you, my so called (one of my) best friends, show some consideration for me can??? at least, even if we weren't even friends, it would be polite and considerate and courteous to inform me of what you've decided after we have discussed things together. dont always wait for me to ASK YOU. i'm always the one concerned about you right? it is NEVER you asking me unless it has something to do with you.
i try very hard. really i do. i dont know what is wrong and i dont know what else to do. i wonder how long this will take. i feel really miserable, anyone truly understands and knows? unless i make it damn obvious, nobody will ever know. maybe i expect everyone to be ultra sensitive, but not even the people who are supposedly close to me can tell, isn't that sad. its not that i want to be obvious and drag people down and make everyone think that i'm some depressed freak who wants people fawning over me. no. i just dont want to fake happiness, when inside i just feel like crying. sometimes, for a change, i'd like people to ask after me, to show some care and concern, even if i seem to be happy on the outside. nobody does that. seriously, nobody. and i am seriously tired and sick of always being the one asking after everyone else, especially when i get no reciprocation, and especially when i feel i am not remembered at all. i'm a sensitive person, i know.
everyone's fitting in nicely and being all happy, and i truly am happy for them. after all, how far do u expect them to go with you. noone can or will always always ALWAYS be there with you and by your side.
i try very hard. really i do. i dont know what is wrong and i dont know what else to do. i wonder how long this will take. i feel really miserable, anyone truly understands and knows? unless i make it damn obvious, nobody will ever know. maybe i expect everyone to be ultra sensitive, but not even the people who are supposedly close to me can tell, isn't that sad. its not that i want to be obvious and drag people down and make everyone think that i'm some depressed freak who wants people fawning over me. no. i just dont want to fake happiness, when inside i just feel like crying. sometimes, for a change, i'd like people to ask after me, to show some care and concern, even if i seem to be happy on the outside. nobody does that. seriously, nobody. and i am seriously tired and sick of always being the one asking after everyone else, especially when i get no reciprocation, and especially when i feel i am not remembered at all. i'm a sensitive person, i know.
everyone's fitting in nicely and being all happy, and i truly am happy for them. after all, how far do u expect them to go with you. noone can or will always always ALWAYS be there with you and by your side.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I've got a V shaped tan from my SC Pe shirt, and this has caused my neck to turn red, in a V shape no less. LOL. Sounds funny but it looks kind of scary. This came about because we were out playing games in the sun this afternoon, during the hottest time of the day!!
But still, I enjoyed myself immensely. Even though i got that sexy tan (HA), and am feeling very drained and rather achy, I'm enjoying the orientation put together by the HC SC. I know they must have put in a LOT of effort, and they're always trying to be enthusiastic for us, and I appreciate their effort very very much. Thank you so much seniors!
There are people that just make you feel comfortable easily. Their disposition, simply laughing and smiling at everything makes me just want to stay with them forever. :) I'm glad I can meet these people, though they're extremely rare. I don't like it when people just make friends with you on a superficial level, and this makes me wonder very much if you truly treasure us and what you truly feel about us, and if you can think about something else other than always wanting to charge ahead.
I am truly glad you all remembered. Those memories and days and bonds, they seem so far away and I can't believe that once (reading my past blog posts), I loved it so much. I wonder if you all still remember the deep bond we had, and how much fun and pain we went through together. But I know that event will be shared amongst us, like an unspoken, common bond. I hope that time will be able to bring us closer together again, like last time. We have about 1 and a half years together, I'm going to try for it.
And I am especially glad that YOU remembered, and even got the pronounciation right! Actually, I can't even believe we know each other. I don't even really feel like we're proper friends! Um...but I hope we can become closer too! :) veryy much so!
everytime I think about that, I can't help it but smile. I should forget it entirely, but seems like I can't. It seemed so honest and innocent, HAHA. I guess I might have really shut that other door (and locked it) already.
NIGHT. REST IS MUCH NEEDED. :D
But still, I enjoyed myself immensely. Even though i got that sexy tan (HA), and am feeling very drained and rather achy, I'm enjoying the orientation put together by the HC SC. I know they must have put in a LOT of effort, and they're always trying to be enthusiastic for us, and I appreciate their effort very very much. Thank you so much seniors!
There are people that just make you feel comfortable easily. Their disposition, simply laughing and smiling at everything makes me just want to stay with them forever. :) I'm glad I can meet these people, though they're extremely rare. I don't like it when people just make friends with you on a superficial level, and this makes me wonder very much if you truly treasure us and what you truly feel about us, and if you can think about something else other than always wanting to charge ahead.
I am truly glad you all remembered. Those memories and days and bonds, they seem so far away and I can't believe that once (reading my past blog posts), I loved it so much. I wonder if you all still remember the deep bond we had, and how much fun and pain we went through together. But I know that event will be shared amongst us, like an unspoken, common bond. I hope that time will be able to bring us closer together again, like last time. We have about 1 and a half years together, I'm going to try for it.
And I am especially glad that YOU remembered, and even got the pronounciation right! Actually, I can't even believe we know each other. I don't even really feel like we're proper friends! Um...but I hope we can become closer too! :) veryy much so!
everytime I think about that, I can't help it but smile. I should forget it entirely, but seems like I can't. It seemed so honest and innocent, HAHA. I guess I might have really shut that other door (and locked it) already.
NIGHT. REST IS MUCH NEEDED. :D
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I really should be sleeping now, getting enough rest so I won't act like a zombie tomorrow. School is finally starting. It's rather scary, entering a different world, with different people. I'm glad that I have some of my closest friends with me in the same school, even though we might be separated in the end. I really wonder how these next 2 years will be like, and I am praying very hard for them to be smooth-sailing. Of course, I'll have to work extremely hard too, putting in my effort like never before. This goes without saying. Am I ready for it? I hope so. Well, I have to be even if I'm not.
I had a nice conversation with Eugenia Siah today. I miss her a lot a lot. She'll never ever see this but anyway, Eug I still really love you! After talking to her, I realize how much i miss the times when we were doing projects together, laughing about stupid stuff, doing weird things. And i realize that even though we're not that close anymore, not really talking, I still always want to be able to talk to you and be your friend! We'll still stay close won't we?
As I prepare to start tomorrow, and a whole new life, I feel like I'm closing some part of my life. Shutting it away and just moving forward. But still, I'm sad I don't get to do this with you, sharing this part of my life with you. We live in different worlds now, don't we? Completely different lives. sigh.
All the best to everyone! Stay happy and have lotsa fun! And manss do I just absolutely love talking to my primary school friends. I love my primary school friends to bits! :D NIGHT EVERYONE.
I had a nice conversation with Eugenia Siah today. I miss her a lot a lot. She'll never ever see this but anyway, Eug I still really love you! After talking to her, I realize how much i miss the times when we were doing projects together, laughing about stupid stuff, doing weird things. And i realize that even though we're not that close anymore, not really talking, I still always want to be able to talk to you and be your friend! We'll still stay close won't we?
As I prepare to start tomorrow, and a whole new life, I feel like I'm closing some part of my life. Shutting it away and just moving forward. But still, I'm sad I don't get to do this with you, sharing this part of my life with you. We live in different worlds now, don't we? Completely different lives. sigh.
All the best to everyone! Stay happy and have lotsa fun! And manss do I just absolutely love talking to my primary school friends. I love my primary school friends to bits! :D NIGHT EVERYONE.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I don't know but,
I think I may be falling for you,
Dropping so quickly,
Maybe I should,
Keep this to myself,
Wait until I know you better,
I am trying, not to tell you,
But I want to,
I am scared of what you'll say,
So I'm hiding,
What I'm feeling,
But I'm tired of,
Holding this inside my head.
I've been spending all my, time,
Just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.
Songs are probably like books, reflecting the human condition, the way people think and feel. :) How lovely.
I think I may be falling for you,
Dropping so quickly,
Maybe I should,
Keep this to myself,
Wait until I know you better,
I am trying, not to tell you,
But I want to,
I am scared of what you'll say,
So I'm hiding,
What I'm feeling,
But I'm tired of,
Holding this inside my head.
I've been spending all my, time,
Just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.
Songs are probably like books, reflecting the human condition, the way people think and feel. :) How lovely.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Why won't it work out for me, when others seem to have it so easy. Even though I pray so hard, so fervently, this aspect still hasn't been answered. If I've always been blessed with what I truly desire and want, can't this be included too? It's been a long long time.
Today makes it hard too. Being in such an unfamiliar place, with so many unfamiliar people, not being able to have my darling same tuition friends, its really terrible. it makes me miss all of you so so extremely extremely absolutely MUCH. I wish soo hard that we could still be the same class, working and joking around with each other. It's the place i always always looked forward to going. But now, we're all dispersed. It's so miserable. Thinking about it really just makes me want to cry. Sure, i go there to learn, and I must convince myself so. But I just wished I had all of you all with me. :( Knowing i can't talk to you about this makes me utterly sad. i want you guys, and nobody else. we must continue seeing each other and having gatherings!
I think I understand how my bro is feeling (well, partially), since i'm also feeling like how he is. its not a nice feeling. help me, do something, SAY something, ASK me. i can't believe you're that thick and dense. even so, i still can't help myself. and, you've become better. just don't become thatt outlandish hahaha! miss you and i neeeed to see you.
Today makes it hard too. Being in such an unfamiliar place, with so many unfamiliar people, not being able to have my darling same tuition friends, its really terrible. it makes me miss all of you so so extremely extremely absolutely MUCH. I wish soo hard that we could still be the same class, working and joking around with each other. It's the place i always always looked forward to going. But now, we're all dispersed. It's so miserable. Thinking about it really just makes me want to cry. Sure, i go there to learn, and I must convince myself so. But I just wished I had all of you all with me. :( Knowing i can't talk to you about this makes me utterly sad. i want you guys, and nobody else. we must continue seeing each other and having gatherings!
I think I understand how my bro is feeling (well, partially), since i'm also feeling like how he is. its not a nice feeling. help me, do something, SAY something, ASK me. i can't believe you're that thick and dense. even so, i still can't help myself. and, you've become better. just don't become thatt outlandish hahaha! miss you and i neeeed to see you.
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