aahhh 2 more mins before the 25th of oct is over!!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS EVER...MY DARLING CHERL FRANCESCA TAN!!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!!

AND MAY WE NEVER GROW APART AND BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ALWAYS!

<3

So these 2 days its mostly been Festival of Sports going on in school. Everyone seems so much darker and tanner now, especially since the sun has been BLAZING hot. roasty and toasty!!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...

it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.

i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!

怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重

i feel like i'm having some mental breakdown. i don't know why this is happening, why its suddenly so strong.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.

-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --

and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.

that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.

and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.

i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.

thanks for always caring a whole fat lot.



yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.

to even think it was possible was already a huge, stupid mistake in itself.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.

sometimes, i think, forget it. seriously, just, whatever. i give so much, put in so much effort, but i don't get anything in return. i'm done done done trying to always be the one. if you all can't appreciate, give A LITTLE ITTY BIT of reciprocation, FINE. WHATEVER. at least, i know that out there, there are people who do care. and they are the ones who matter.

-

i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.