I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.

And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!

I don't want to make a stupid decision. BUT the heart is meddling with the head.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.

And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.

Really, not a single word from you. I can't believe it, but i should. i should have expected, should have known. and i should get used to it, since it WILL be like that. i see that you're there, uncaring, and i really want to cry, because i WANT you to care, because I CARE!
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.

but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.

i can't study when this isn't settled.
when my heart's aching and yearning.

Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...

Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..

i need to learn to lock my heart.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.

yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.

i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.

i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.

and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.

but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.

one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.

When reality slaps you in the face, you can't run. It surrounds you like 4 walls, slowly closing in on you, until you can hardly take it, can hardly breathe.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.

But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.

shit, the hot tears have begun.

Tall and lanky,
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),

...

...

They're all,


Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.

Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.

Tomorrow I'll be going there. I wonder how I'll take to it, whether I'll be overwhelmed again. I can't stop the memories, i can't not feel sad. I wish so bad that time could be reversed, or I might get another chance. But its never going to happen girl. Suck it up and move on. There really is this empty hole, something lacking and missing. It sucks that I can't go through this hard times with you guys.

Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...

I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.

When I sit in front of my computer, with this page open, and I think about my life, so many thoughts come into my head. The end of the first semester in school, june holidays now, europe trip, tuition friends, primary school friends, family...everything in general. So what do I have to say about them? I've made many wrong choices, I think, choices which have made me deeply unhappy. Even until now, I still regret, and will probably always regret as well. But I have been blessed too, because within those wrong choices, I have found some precious bits of joy. I still hope though, for a second chance. And I'm really really REALLY hoping for it. And I need to work harder. ALOT HARDER. REALLY ALOT. If not, I am going to die. I really am NOT going to die because i WILL MUST SHALL CAN WORK HARDER. GOO! Jc's really very much different and tougher, seems like we need to suddenly grow up so much faster. its scary, and hard to do, but we will all just have to grow up. There's no other option.



I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.

And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?

People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!



Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.

Bye guys, take lots of care!