today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.

the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.

why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.

i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.

and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

when i see them, it reminds me so much of you and i.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.

how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.

so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.

I have a 3 hour session with raymond later today.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.

damm indeed.

Finally, a proper conversation and proper goodnight.and a smile which so rarely comes out from you. thank you.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.

and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.

damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.

i'm always scared to come online.

what is wrong with you seriously. REPLY ME!!!
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(



I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T