And so, its the third week of school, and its the midweek!!! I feel like I'm just counting down to the end of each week, and the end of each DAY (when I'm in school) every week. How will i be able to last if I'm already counting down at the beginning of the year?? sighs. school, work, a levels and everything that's waiting in my life right now just fills me with dread. NOT a good sign nor a good start. Tomorrow the new cohort is coming in...oh well, I highly doubt it'll make much of a difference to us. I do remember getting the sms of my posting last year though. Brings back memories, hmm...not very pleasant probably? But, it was the start of my journey leaving you behind a closed door.

"So, Hwa Chong huh?", you asked, leaning against the pillar, looking at me and raising you eyebrows, something like amusement and slight awe on your face, then a hardening of your features...thinking, perhaps?
"Yeah......"


"So how's it?"...... "You would've been happier there..."

Today I showed R my favourite first 30 seconds from the Big Bang Tell Me Goodbye MV, which features a very very hot GD! :D haha! Can't say it invoked much response from him...but I guess the silence must be because he was too awed and became speechless right? And cx says I am subjective in my views because of how I feel towards GD and he says I am totally biased toward them HAHAHA :D Nah, I'm not that crazy that I think everything they do is God-like or something. But I guess I just like their style. I do know that GD is not exactly handsome, with perfect features and all, but he is really the epitome of COOL AND STYLISH. I like how he can carry off almost (all) styles and whatever wacky crazy clothing he has, and is also daring in experimenting. His ability to compose songs is also what makes me respect him, as well as how he seems to be so at ease and comfortable at being on stage and performing. His photos and poses are always varied and picture perfect. He also doesn't outwardly and openly command attention and grab all the limelight, but takes a humble stance and doesn't mind if he is pushed behind. He has a seriously CUTE side to him as well, childish, yet also a really sexy, mature, hip-hoppy and bad-boy kinda image. OKAY. All fans will say such things, and you probably think I'm still being biased, but I guess this is why I like him so much. And he really deserves our respect. In fact, I am amazed at Korean's booming and well-known pop culture and industry. Even though it has been hampered by the "slave contracts" incidences, it has really made an impact on the whole world, or at least, made its presence FELT.
The stars go through a lot to make it that big, and I truly respect them for going through all that to come up to where they are.

I can listen to big bang songs over and over and over again, and never get tired of them. Is it just because my ears especially love those songs, or is it because of the way the songs are composed? HAHA. I find myself closely analyzing and listening to big bang songs more carefully when I hear them now. I try and figure out who is singing which part, and what little effects the song has. I loved Seungri's solo songs, So what do you want me to do and VVIP, so much! They get me high and happy everytime. I can't wait for bb's new album, hopefully then there'll be more songs which can get me happy and high. :) I REALLY HOPE to see DANCING in their new album too, oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ARGH CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR ALBUM! :D

Alright, enough writing a post which probably 1295125 other people in the world are also writing about and have the same opinions and comments about.
Recently, I've also fallen in love with "PERFECT"- done by JCO (I think he did a cover for this song which was originally Jason Derulo's song), AND "NEVER KNEW I NEEDED" by NEYO. The second song, I knew about, but only recently have I been ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE LYRICS, and realizing that, HEY, THAT'S MY LIFE.

SWIM TEST TMR FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. We won't get to see the J1s stepping into the school officially! :( DARN.
Well, its just another day in school, and its running Monday's timetable so there will be econs tutorial. Let's all say: ARGH. sighs.
Alright, cheer up, its THURSDAY. AND CNY IS C O M I N G SO VERY VERY SOON!!!

that hole...

Today I went there for Chem. The door was locked, so I did the usual, going down those steps and then coming to that big open space. And I could see you, picture you right there, playing and having fun with the rest of the guys that day when raymond was late, and we were all waiting for him.
Then I go and stand at the area in the big open space where u can look down all the way to the first floor. There're 2 of those (hmmm lets call it...) "viewing bays" there. And I see you walking to the lifts from one of them, and from the other, walking away, back home, with sm beside me once. and she laughed at you, saying the way you walked far away from the others was cool.
After a while, I go back up to the flat to see if its been unlocked. There, I see you arriving, walking down the stairs to the flat, surprise written on your face when you see the crowd of people gathered outside waiting. You leaning over the staircase railing, close to me (not intentionally of course), and i see your long eyelashes...and remember the swift physical closeness...of course.
When I enter the flat, I see the little cosy room where we used to gather and sit. The aeroplane styled arrangement of the seats during the morning tests...
When I enter the room, the familiar smell hits me, bringing me back once again. I vision the classroom with everyone. If I'm sitting in front, I am painfully aware of how I once turned around from that spot, and got to know you, and how, before that, I sat next to you in front. That was when I leaned away from you in fright, not knowing you, and you, leaning away from me as well, never looking my way or talking to me at all.
I vision you at the back too, at your usual place. Sometimes that made it hard to see you during class.

And all this makes me realize, I have a hole left in me, after all this ended. A hole which can really never be patched up, a hole which I can never get over and fill. Never ever. The time will never come again, the kind of people will never be the same again, and never will I be in that situation with someone like you, and who is that important to me. And so, its something I've lost, and with it, lost abit of myself too. Something which will stay empty in me forever.
Sometimes, I think that these memories are so far away. And they are, too. Some happened 2 years ago. T W O YEARS AGO. TWO. This makes it even seem like they might not have happened. The time spent and the memories created, sometimes seem so short, swift and not lasting that it feels like they have been caught in the wind and immediately taken far far away. It seems like something not tangible, and indeed it is not, for it is only a part of my memory. Images I can only see from my mind.
But then, at times, ESPECIALLY when I am back there, everything comes back to life again. I vision everything as it were before, and the hole inside me grows bigger. Then, those memories seem so real, so tangible, and I can almost really see everyone there again, seeing all your expressions, remembering your smiles and words and actions.

I thought with so much time having passed by, it would numb all these. But, yes, I can never get over.
It really was the best time of my life. You guys were perfect, and we were a perfect combination with raymond. it was the best class, and the feeling i got when i went was the best feeling ever. it was the best, being able to have you there too.
I can't do this anymore.
It's only been the first 3 days of school. But, I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is exactly, but, I just know, I can't take this hole, this feeling.
missu.LOTS.

i don't cry on the outside, but inside, my heart weeps. buckets and buckets of silent tears. it feels sad alright.

2011

It's a new year, and time for the new year talk! haha!
mmmm, 2011 huh.
well, 2010 has been...a year, with a whole lot of different experiences. Its a year in which so many different things happened, and a year in which my whole world seemed to turn upside down and change completely, that I can't believe just a year has passed by. However, it also seems that the year has passed by so quickly, and my secondary 4 days seem to have been just over only yesterday.
2010 was a hard year emotionally. Work-wise, of course. A level stuff is SO DIFFERENT from o level stuff that I really have no confidence at all when taking whatever tests, exams, assignments and quizzes. AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. Yes, have confidence and all...but I really don't. Chem, the science which I used to be best at, is now my worst subject in my whole life history. I have never passed a single test/quiz/exam/assignment. never. And the geog content is so deep and hard to remember, I studied rocks for an entire day for promos and nothing went in. NOTHING. Okay, I probably am studying the wrong way and too last minute...but, I don't know how to make it go in and STICK IN. Tell me how to have confidence. sigh.

Well ok besides the work, I met many new and interesting people in 2010. And I am thankful for meeting every single one of them, for they are all special to me. I hope that I'll be able to form even stronger and closer bonds with them in 2011, and make even more new friends.
And of course, my precious scgs friends. I hope our bonds will last forever and ever and EVER. To those who stayed constant in my life, helping me up, encouraging me, bothering to keep our friendships strong, thank you so much. My bestest and closest and strongest friendships were probably formed in secondary school. I love you guys so much and I won't ever want to drift apart from you all EVER. I really couldn't have gotten past 2010 without you all, and 2011 will be much more manageable with you all here with me.
Thank you so much Chee, Chiong, Sam, Jenn, Nat, CherylF, Yani, Val, Van, Joce, Andrea, Steph.
Thank you Christy too, for staying constant in my life and for never letting go.
Thank you Yenmy, Cheryl Sir, Charis, XinLin, Azilah, for being such a wonderful and lovely presence in my JC life, and for caring for me.
Thank you to my obliging PW mates, and for sticking it out the whole year together, never complaining and always staying positive.
Thank you to my ever AWESOME PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS who also never fail to let me have a marvelous time when I'm with you all, and for always being obliging to gatherings, no matter what we do. And for cherishing our friendships from our childhood too. I love you guys so much!
Thank you to my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I hope we'll still be able to have fun together like always, and keep our bonds strong, even as we grow older and do our own things.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me and being with me through the year.
Thank you everyone, for being with me throughout the year, and for tolerating all the rubbish from me.
Also, I want to thank you, for putting in that effort too, to stay constant in my life. If I were to lose you, my heart would really break into a thousand million pieces. Being as we are now, is better than you fading away completely. So, thank you, thank you for bothering to remember me. I hope we'll be able to keep our friendship for years and years to come. I just hope you'll be more open and forthcoming though, haha.

I've lost some things which are very dear to me in 2010. And I know my head still seems to be stuck in 2009, when I was in scgs, when I met you, saw you...and everything else. I can't erase those memories, I can't try to stop wishing that those times were back, I can't stop wanting to cry everytime I think about them, I can't stop yearning, but I can take these memories forward with me, and use them to try and bring me through 2011. I will try to not continue sticking my head in 2009, but just remember that these are memories which are something to be happy about. Of course, I think they will still have the potential to break me, but I will try very hard, for a year has passed already, and I think my insides have gotten used to the loss, and the fact that I have no other option other than keeping it as a dear, fond memory.
2010 was an interesting year, but not the best of years, as you said. Very true.
I really want to know how you felt about everything these last 2 years (:O wow! these last 2 years...wow we really are getting older and time is really moving on, but it really is these last 2 years!). Truly. 2010 was hard emotionally for me, mostly because of you. 2011 will be the similar in this part, but I know the Lord will bless me and keep me strong. Thank you for answering my frantic prayers that night.

So happy 2011 everybody! May the new year be a blessed one for all of you, filled with nothing but happiness. And let us all work hard and conquer A's!

It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.