It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.