today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.

the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.

why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.

i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.

and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.