I'm on a bus now and I'm using my phone while the battery is already in critical mode but I still feel like bidding goodbye to this year. I guess I feel pretty sentimental seeing it go, and I feel extremely insecure about the coming year. After I got back from Europe the year just came to the end so quickly, and it really struck me so hard that it's finally ending. The year so many of us have been dreading... We've finished with it and things are just moving on. I still have trouble believing our a levels have come and gone... Well. And now we're out from jc life too. Jc taught me lots of things, and while I wouldn't say it was the best and happiest times, there are things I am grateful for. I got to meet many new, different types of people and learnt many things and had many internal struggles and conflicts. For 2011, it was about growing closer to some people, maybe finding out who will stick around and who won't, mending, repairing, letting go, growing. Facing certain absolutions, facing some things that I cannot change and things which will never be the same. In others eyes, i havent grown perhaps, but i have learnt and felt many things which inguess still need work on. I may never really be able to find the precise footing for myself and figure out where exactly I stand in certain things but well, we'll let the new year take its course. He will be there to guide me along.

Reaching my aunts house soon, and I am glad I am finally seeing my (extended) family and spending the new year with them.

Have a happy new year everyone! <3 have lots of fun and have great celebrations! May the coming year be a successful and fruitful one and if u should meet with obstacles and hardships, may you have the strength to overcome them.

And in the new year, continue listening to kyuhyun's awesome rich smooth deep velvety voice, g dragon's smooth suave cool rapping, super junior and big bang!!

Hahaha okay don't roll your eyes.

Shall blog again soon!!! I guess~ :P take care!

i should blog about happier and nicer things.
exams make me feel so disconnected from everything at times, and sometimes i just feel like cooping myself up in my own world...my own world made up of....hmmmm...i don't know...myself i guess. heh. but then i miss my friends :( and i apologize...
I wanted to blog about this last time when it happened, because i really REALLY felt so happy and glad for it...but i never got down to doing so.

talking on the phone, late late, REEEALLLLYY LATE into the night with some of my closest and bestest friends really make me feel so happy. just talking about anything and everything, and all the talking just seems to fall into place. it makes me giggly too. HAHAHA. laughing about stupid things we say...talking about things which we would never dare say or reveal in front of others, because only they know our deepest feelings, and probably share them even.
I really treasure those talks...and i guess doing it during such periods of times really make me cherish them even more.

Aaaaaand, my heart is hurting so much. I got the mnet tickets. (OUCH) and i have to live like a miser to recoup the cost back. LOL. OUCH. what to do...they were the only available ones left...i hope i DO get to see who and what is on stage. I'm wondering if i should wear my heels...or....does anyone have like 29257120 cm high shoes to lend me? then i will DEFINITELY be able to see the people on stage MUAHAHA.
these are the times I wish I were as tall as Russel :P
big bang and 2pm better come!!!!!
Though when I look at the ticket, and imagine who I'lll be seeing...SUPERJUNIOR :D ...and at that time, my ipod was playing MR SIMPLE, and leeteuk's part came on and I was imagining his earnest, smiley face, and his bouncy brown hair which flops about when he dances so enthusiastically, i couldnt help but smile...and all the heart pain went away...hehehe. Sigh I'm so incorrigible and ridiculous.
ALL'S GOOD MAN :)
I seriously want to go and tour around town and see the christmas decor. It sounds pretty cool! Especially the marina bay/esplanade area. Motion sensor reindeers??? COOL.
And it seems like Orchard Central is decked out in pink and has been transformed into a pink Christmas wonderland!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE.I WANT TO GO AND SEE!!!!

well As are ending sooooon. just 2 papers left.

all at the wrong time...

ok really wrong time to be blogging right now but i just feel so incomplete.
nothing to do with studies or work or academics though yes those are HIGHLY DEFINITELY INCOMPLETE AND WILL NEVER EVER BE COMPLETE...
though yes, prelims start tomorrow and HENCE, the REALLY WRONG TIME TO BE BLOGGING RIGHT NOW BUT...

dammit.
i hate feelings of incompletion.
not like i am supposed to be included but still.
still.
should've said good night, goodbye, have a safe flight.....etc ....
leaving at 7am tomorrow and probably not ever going to see them again.
i'll miss the laptop, (really soft) bag, guide book....
I don't know why, I don't even know them and yet......
.....
i will still miss them. their presence, their very essence.
maybe so.
or maybe, i'm just too idiotic about all these kinda things.
maybe, its what they stand for and remind me of.
man feel so knotted up right now, and kinda sad.
i know its a globalised world, and people never stay static and they move around all the time.
but.
sigh.


i should just go to bed.
let it go. they weren't even "mine" in the first place, and i guess maybe someday i'll find my own.

and you know, sometimes the things you do, really hurt me through and through. maybe you don't mean it, but still. i mean, come on, someone i barely met being nicer than my own blood?!

so good night....and goodbye.
goodbye from the very depths of my heart.

stupid twitter is down, and i have so many (short) things I want to just blurt out.
its supposed to be a happy time, but truthfully, i just want to cry right now, and i just feel so hurt.
maybe not as hurt as i would have been, but still hurt, and sad.
since u are like that, i really know i shouldn't even bother. tearing myself up over this?!?! it is TOTALLY stupid. DOWNRIGHT IDIOTIC.
But I still am bothered by it. I still am. I honestly wish you could just do...a very tiny little bit more.
and i'm really sorry that i can't just let everything go like that, and not let such things affect me. i know i have so many other people out there who genuinely care about me and who will put in the effort, but i'm sorry you guys, i'm still affected by it all.
i know i should not think about all this, and just be thankful and grateful to my lovely friends who do so much for me and try to make me happy always and have always been by my side in all ways, and i really am thankful for them.
but i really hate how things change with time. All the changes, with those people...it hasn't been for the better.
And right now, I just don't feel like saying anything at all, or talking to anyone.
argh. stop being so stupid seriously.

on another hand, i was really touched, by someone's sincerity. thank you.

Resigned to having to study forever for 26 more weeks (as Raymond just reminded us yesterday...) That's just slightly more than 6 months. I really do want to give my all, and hopefully I'll be able to do it.
I keep wanting to blog, because so many things have been happening in my life, and I like putting things down into words. Although sometimes, you're so exhausted by your feelings and all that you just want to ignore everything, or that you become numb, and can't even feel anything anymore.

This morning, some of my cousins are going out for a late breakfast. I'm craving something hot. :( But I can't go. Sigh. Resigned. But I got to spend time with them on Saturday! For Tua Ee's birthday celebration. This past 2 years, it somehow seems that we grew closer, in feelings. To me, it seems like we realized we're family, and each time we get together nowadays, we always try to have as much fun, talk as much as we can, laugh and smile. It warms my heart that even though we're growing older, we can still have so much fun and happiness together. I'm so so so glad that I have my family with me, who will always be able to let me feel loved no matter what. I was so afraid that as we grew older, we might grow distant and further apart from one another. But I can't deny the fact that I don't talk to kkj as much now, and it makes me sad :( He used to tease me alot about Freddie Highmore last time, and all the celeb "bfs" that I had...we all used to play ice and water and video games together when we were younger. I remember running around the table in Em's woo mon chew house, playing ice and water and some twister video game. And how kkc brought us drain exploring and did all sorts of crazy things, and how we'd play crocodile (or whatever I can't remember the name of the game) in the pool at kallang swimming complex, where we all took lessons together and where Em always gave attitude to our swimming teacher HAHAHA. Sure, some things have definitely changed, and I miss those parts of our childhood, but to be able to feel so loved with them and by them, well, what can i say, I love my extended family to absolute bits as well, and wouldn't give up any time that I can spend with them.
This year we went to catch the LION KING musical together. It was FANTASTIC. The show was amazing and up til now, I'm still dreaming about the utopian forest. The props and scenes were stunning. And even though its all humans and human creation, they could portray the jungle and the animals so well. I remember the people who came out with the grass on their heads, swaying their bodies like how grass and weeds sway in the wind. It was beautiful. Some of their heads must have felt so heavy, but wow, they managed to do it! And the musical just rekindled my love for disney and all its music. The baboon was hilarious and I loved Scar's sacarstic and dry humour. The little boy playing Simba was soooo tiny and cute! Reminded me so much of Christian, who was also watching it with us that day. hahaha! There was one part where the boy had to run out and he ran out by the aisle of the seats at my side!!!!! so tiny and cute! :D Anyway, don't miss the Lion King! I would TOTALLY watch it again if it were possible :P Tickets, anyone?? :D
I remember playing badminton with Emma, Amanda, Mel, Marcus and Josh sometime in March too, the week after block test 1. I had such an enjoyable time with them, and a very good workout too! And found out that the SIA sports club had actual airplane seats in their pub, and I also realized WHY after a while...do you all know WHY?? :P And I remember going to Evan's house too, although I went really late. And we played blind mice, and retarded Marcus's comment before we started..."nooooo can we not play it, I have many friends in Tampines!" (because apparently, he's old and mature and cannot play blind mice with us LOL)
And mel, em and I also made a trip down to Wild Wild Wet after my chem blocks! :D Spent so much time lazing around in the shiok river, and stupid mel was evading and trying to hide AHEM...LOL. But everything was for naught anyway. I'm just looking forward to the next time I'm gonna be spending with them :)
on a side note, Marcus is going into the army on Wed. Best of luck for these 2 years! Hope you'll get all the postings and everything that you want. :) I'm sure you can do it and conquer these 2 years! And may you make lots of wonderful friendships. Please come back and share funny stories with me...I love hearing funny stories from army. And that's why I kinda miss my brother being in the army, and hearing funny stories about Leftanant Teo. And my brother looking good and fit. HAHA. LOL Marcus already kinda shaved his hair and I thought he had already enlisted! Well, do know that I'm always supporting you cousin! :D

...because i always feel kinda sentimental like that when my close guy friends/family enter the army...it's like their on their way to growing up and embarking on a different journey which leaves me (and their family and everyone else they have known) behind, and where they venture out on their own.

So even as we lose people along the way in our lives, and feel the hurt, sadness, anger and pain, we must remember those who love us. Maybe it was this all that made me remember who I still have, and who I will always have. It made me more aware of who are the important people in my life, and who is worth cherishing and loving. Who will always stand and stay by me no matter what.
Thanks to my SC and Primary school friends who make up part of that group above, Christy and my darling MCS CCA friends. and some (pretty surprising) friends too, who bother enough...Karthik. :)
I'm thankful I have all these people in my life. Really. Who keep me sane and who help me keep going in life. I love you all.

alright. I have so much else to blog about, but for now I think I need to go and study first. SPA on wed!!! arhhh! Hopefully it'll be my LAST EVER. (exam oriented one), just like I completed my LAST EVER timed 2.4km run this year!!!! WHOOO!
OKAY.BACK DOWN TO REALITY.STUDY.
B.Y.E

Haven't been in a good mood today.
I don't want to go for raymonds.


not without you.


he's going to kill me, i havent done his work.
i'm in a bad mood.
my phone's not working.
bad mood bad mood bad mood!!!

And so, its the third week of school, and its the midweek!!! I feel like I'm just counting down to the end of each week, and the end of each DAY (when I'm in school) every week. How will i be able to last if I'm already counting down at the beginning of the year?? sighs. school, work, a levels and everything that's waiting in my life right now just fills me with dread. NOT a good sign nor a good start. Tomorrow the new cohort is coming in...oh well, I highly doubt it'll make much of a difference to us. I do remember getting the sms of my posting last year though. Brings back memories, hmm...not very pleasant probably? But, it was the start of my journey leaving you behind a closed door.

"So, Hwa Chong huh?", you asked, leaning against the pillar, looking at me and raising you eyebrows, something like amusement and slight awe on your face, then a hardening of your features...thinking, perhaps?
"Yeah......"


"So how's it?"...... "You would've been happier there..."

Today I showed R my favourite first 30 seconds from the Big Bang Tell Me Goodbye MV, which features a very very hot GD! :D haha! Can't say it invoked much response from him...but I guess the silence must be because he was too awed and became speechless right? And cx says I am subjective in my views because of how I feel towards GD and he says I am totally biased toward them HAHAHA :D Nah, I'm not that crazy that I think everything they do is God-like or something. But I guess I just like their style. I do know that GD is not exactly handsome, with perfect features and all, but he is really the epitome of COOL AND STYLISH. I like how he can carry off almost (all) styles and whatever wacky crazy clothing he has, and is also daring in experimenting. His ability to compose songs is also what makes me respect him, as well as how he seems to be so at ease and comfortable at being on stage and performing. His photos and poses are always varied and picture perfect. He also doesn't outwardly and openly command attention and grab all the limelight, but takes a humble stance and doesn't mind if he is pushed behind. He has a seriously CUTE side to him as well, childish, yet also a really sexy, mature, hip-hoppy and bad-boy kinda image. OKAY. All fans will say such things, and you probably think I'm still being biased, but I guess this is why I like him so much. And he really deserves our respect. In fact, I am amazed at Korean's booming and well-known pop culture and industry. Even though it has been hampered by the "slave contracts" incidences, it has really made an impact on the whole world, or at least, made its presence FELT.
The stars go through a lot to make it that big, and I truly respect them for going through all that to come up to where they are.

I can listen to big bang songs over and over and over again, and never get tired of them. Is it just because my ears especially love those songs, or is it because of the way the songs are composed? HAHA. I find myself closely analyzing and listening to big bang songs more carefully when I hear them now. I try and figure out who is singing which part, and what little effects the song has. I loved Seungri's solo songs, So what do you want me to do and VVIP, so much! They get me high and happy everytime. I can't wait for bb's new album, hopefully then there'll be more songs which can get me happy and high. :) I REALLY HOPE to see DANCING in their new album too, oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ARGH CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR ALBUM! :D

Alright, enough writing a post which probably 1295125 other people in the world are also writing about and have the same opinions and comments about.
Recently, I've also fallen in love with "PERFECT"- done by JCO (I think he did a cover for this song which was originally Jason Derulo's song), AND "NEVER KNEW I NEEDED" by NEYO. The second song, I knew about, but only recently have I been ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE LYRICS, and realizing that, HEY, THAT'S MY LIFE.

SWIM TEST TMR FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. We won't get to see the J1s stepping into the school officially! :( DARN.
Well, its just another day in school, and its running Monday's timetable so there will be econs tutorial. Let's all say: ARGH. sighs.
Alright, cheer up, its THURSDAY. AND CNY IS C O M I N G SO VERY VERY SOON!!!

that hole...

Today I went there for Chem. The door was locked, so I did the usual, going down those steps and then coming to that big open space. And I could see you, picture you right there, playing and having fun with the rest of the guys that day when raymond was late, and we were all waiting for him.
Then I go and stand at the area in the big open space where u can look down all the way to the first floor. There're 2 of those (hmmm lets call it...) "viewing bays" there. And I see you walking to the lifts from one of them, and from the other, walking away, back home, with sm beside me once. and she laughed at you, saying the way you walked far away from the others was cool.
After a while, I go back up to the flat to see if its been unlocked. There, I see you arriving, walking down the stairs to the flat, surprise written on your face when you see the crowd of people gathered outside waiting. You leaning over the staircase railing, close to me (not intentionally of course), and i see your long eyelashes...and remember the swift physical closeness...of course.
When I enter the flat, I see the little cosy room where we used to gather and sit. The aeroplane styled arrangement of the seats during the morning tests...
When I enter the room, the familiar smell hits me, bringing me back once again. I vision the classroom with everyone. If I'm sitting in front, I am painfully aware of how I once turned around from that spot, and got to know you, and how, before that, I sat next to you in front. That was when I leaned away from you in fright, not knowing you, and you, leaning away from me as well, never looking my way or talking to me at all.
I vision you at the back too, at your usual place. Sometimes that made it hard to see you during class.

And all this makes me realize, I have a hole left in me, after all this ended. A hole which can really never be patched up, a hole which I can never get over and fill. Never ever. The time will never come again, the kind of people will never be the same again, and never will I be in that situation with someone like you, and who is that important to me. And so, its something I've lost, and with it, lost abit of myself too. Something which will stay empty in me forever.
Sometimes, I think that these memories are so far away. And they are, too. Some happened 2 years ago. T W O YEARS AGO. TWO. This makes it even seem like they might not have happened. The time spent and the memories created, sometimes seem so short, swift and not lasting that it feels like they have been caught in the wind and immediately taken far far away. It seems like something not tangible, and indeed it is not, for it is only a part of my memory. Images I can only see from my mind.
But then, at times, ESPECIALLY when I am back there, everything comes back to life again. I vision everything as it were before, and the hole inside me grows bigger. Then, those memories seem so real, so tangible, and I can almost really see everyone there again, seeing all your expressions, remembering your smiles and words and actions.

I thought with so much time having passed by, it would numb all these. But, yes, I can never get over.
It really was the best time of my life. You guys were perfect, and we were a perfect combination with raymond. it was the best class, and the feeling i got when i went was the best feeling ever. it was the best, being able to have you there too.
I can't do this anymore.
It's only been the first 3 days of school. But, I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is exactly, but, I just know, I can't take this hole, this feeling.
missu.LOTS.

i don't cry on the outside, but inside, my heart weeps. buckets and buckets of silent tears. it feels sad alright.

2011

It's a new year, and time for the new year talk! haha!
mmmm, 2011 huh.
well, 2010 has been...a year, with a whole lot of different experiences. Its a year in which so many different things happened, and a year in which my whole world seemed to turn upside down and change completely, that I can't believe just a year has passed by. However, it also seems that the year has passed by so quickly, and my secondary 4 days seem to have been just over only yesterday.
2010 was a hard year emotionally. Work-wise, of course. A level stuff is SO DIFFERENT from o level stuff that I really have no confidence at all when taking whatever tests, exams, assignments and quizzes. AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. Yes, have confidence and all...but I really don't. Chem, the science which I used to be best at, is now my worst subject in my whole life history. I have never passed a single test/quiz/exam/assignment. never. And the geog content is so deep and hard to remember, I studied rocks for an entire day for promos and nothing went in. NOTHING. Okay, I probably am studying the wrong way and too last minute...but, I don't know how to make it go in and STICK IN. Tell me how to have confidence. sigh.

Well ok besides the work, I met many new and interesting people in 2010. And I am thankful for meeting every single one of them, for they are all special to me. I hope that I'll be able to form even stronger and closer bonds with them in 2011, and make even more new friends.
And of course, my precious scgs friends. I hope our bonds will last forever and ever and EVER. To those who stayed constant in my life, helping me up, encouraging me, bothering to keep our friendships strong, thank you so much. My bestest and closest and strongest friendships were probably formed in secondary school. I love you guys so much and I won't ever want to drift apart from you all EVER. I really couldn't have gotten past 2010 without you all, and 2011 will be much more manageable with you all here with me.
Thank you so much Chee, Chiong, Sam, Jenn, Nat, CherylF, Yani, Val, Van, Joce, Andrea, Steph.
Thank you Christy too, for staying constant in my life and for never letting go.
Thank you Yenmy, Cheryl Sir, Charis, XinLin, Azilah, for being such a wonderful and lovely presence in my JC life, and for caring for me.
Thank you to my obliging PW mates, and for sticking it out the whole year together, never complaining and always staying positive.
Thank you to my ever AWESOME PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS who also never fail to let me have a marvelous time when I'm with you all, and for always being obliging to gatherings, no matter what we do. And for cherishing our friendships from our childhood too. I love you guys so much!
Thank you to my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I hope we'll still be able to have fun together like always, and keep our bonds strong, even as we grow older and do our own things.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me and being with me through the year.
Thank you everyone, for being with me throughout the year, and for tolerating all the rubbish from me.
Also, I want to thank you, for putting in that effort too, to stay constant in my life. If I were to lose you, my heart would really break into a thousand million pieces. Being as we are now, is better than you fading away completely. So, thank you, thank you for bothering to remember me. I hope we'll be able to keep our friendship for years and years to come. I just hope you'll be more open and forthcoming though, haha.

I've lost some things which are very dear to me in 2010. And I know my head still seems to be stuck in 2009, when I was in scgs, when I met you, saw you...and everything else. I can't erase those memories, I can't try to stop wishing that those times were back, I can't stop wanting to cry everytime I think about them, I can't stop yearning, but I can take these memories forward with me, and use them to try and bring me through 2011. I will try to not continue sticking my head in 2009, but just remember that these are memories which are something to be happy about. Of course, I think they will still have the potential to break me, but I will try very hard, for a year has passed already, and I think my insides have gotten used to the loss, and the fact that I have no other option other than keeping it as a dear, fond memory.
2010 was an interesting year, but not the best of years, as you said. Very true.
I really want to know how you felt about everything these last 2 years (:O wow! these last 2 years...wow we really are getting older and time is really moving on, but it really is these last 2 years!). Truly. 2010 was hard emotionally for me, mostly because of you. 2011 will be the similar in this part, but I know the Lord will bless me and keep me strong. Thank you for answering my frantic prayers that night.

So happy 2011 everybody! May the new year be a blessed one for all of you, filled with nothing but happiness. And let us all work hard and conquer A's!

It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.