i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.
today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.
as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.
well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.
missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........
that smile could melt me anytime though.
but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.
but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.
it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........
that smile could melt me anytime though.
but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.
but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.
it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.
(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.
Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.
SERIOUSLY.
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.
Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.
SERIOUSLY.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.
today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.
on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.
today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.
on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.
Wednesday, July 07, 2010
its really easy to see who cares about you and who doesn't. its so easy to just give a superficial, seemingly caring response, but it will be a mistake to take you seriously. to think that maybe, just maybe, you remembered how anxious i had been and bothered to follow up. of course not. so many years of knowing you (and you guys), i really thought you all could be my true, best friends. i care a whole darn lot about your affairs. when you're anxious, sad, hurt, angry, i'll try my best. and i show my care and concern. once you're okay though, i don't know, it seems like i'm just one of those friends you'll only talk to once in a while, if you feel like it. i am really annoyed at always having to be the one reaching out to you. you don't even really spare a thought for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i thought you were one of my best friends. seems like you're drifting away, and taking advantage of my effort, assuming it'll always be there. looks like i was wrong. i was hoping so hard you wouldn't be a friend like her, but i'm wrong. you've become like her. but she's changed, though i no longer will trust her. but you? (and you guys? just especially you) and you don't even really bother talking or striking up conversation with me. well. ain't this friendship just give me a wonderful feeling.
Monday, July 05, 2010
It is just a DRAMA
So the past 2 days after finishing blocks, I have been holing myself at home, glued to the computer and my seat, watching a korean drama GOD OF STUDY.
Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.
The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.
I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D
All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.
It really is just a drama!
Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.
The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.
I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D
All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.
It really is just a drama!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.
And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!
And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!
Friday, June 25, 2010
I don't want to make a stupid decision. BUT the heart is meddling with the head.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.
And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.
And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Really, not a single word from you. I can't believe it, but i should. i should have expected, should have known. and i should get used to it, since it WILL be like that. i see that you're there, uncaring, and i really want to cry, because i WANT you to care, because I CARE!
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.
but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.
but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.
Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.
Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...
Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.
Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...
Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..
Friday, June 18, 2010
i need to learn to lock my heart.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.
yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.
i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.
i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.
and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.
but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.
one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.
yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.
i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.
i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.
and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.
but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.
one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
When reality slaps you in the face, you can't run. It surrounds you like 4 walls, slowly closing in on you, until you can hardly take it, can hardly breathe.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.
But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.
shit, the hot tears have begun.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.
But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.
shit, the hot tears have begun.
Tall and lanky,
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),
...
...
They're all,
Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.
Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),
...
...
They're all,
Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.
Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Tomorrow I'll be going there. I wonder how I'll take to it, whether I'll be overwhelmed again. I can't stop the memories, i can't not feel sad. I wish so bad that time could be reversed, or I might get another chance. But its never going to happen girl. Suck it up and move on. There really is this empty hole, something lacking and missing. It sucks that I can't go through this hard times with you guys.
Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...
I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.
Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...
I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
When I sit in front of my computer, with this page open, and I think about my life, so many thoughts come into my head. The end of the first semester in school, june holidays now, europe trip, tuition friends, primary school friends, family...everything in general. So what do I have to say about them? I've made many wrong choices, I think, choices which have made me deeply unhappy. Even until now, I still regret, and will probably always regret as well. But I have been blessed too, because within those wrong choices, I have found some precious bits of joy. I still hope though, for a second chance. And I'm really really REALLY hoping for it. And I need to work harder. ALOT HARDER. REALLY ALOT. If not, I am going to die. I really am NOT going to die because i WILL MUST SHALL CAN WORK HARDER. GOO! Jc's really very much different and tougher, seems like we need to suddenly grow up so much faster. its scary, and hard to do, but we will all just have to grow up. There's no other option.
I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.
And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?
People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!
Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.
Bye guys, take lots of care!
I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.
And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?
People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!
Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.
Bye guys, take lots of care!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
A simple phone call with contents nothing special or interesting or important at all can make me so happy. I really smile everytime I think about it.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...
I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.
You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...
I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.
You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
from now on, if you dont give a shit, i won't care either. i'm tired of always being the one initiating, caring about your affairs and being the only one actually trying to maintain our friendship. i bet if one day i'm gone in your life, it won't even make a difference to you, you'll just go on making lots and lots of new friends right? so i'll just try my best to stop caring right now. you never even consider how i might feel. the whole world does not just revolve around you and YOUR feelings. other people have feelings too, and sometimes, it would really mean a lot if you SEEMED to care, just a little bit. i am soooo tired of always being the one putting in effort. a friendship needs 2 hands to clap, it is made up of TWO PEOPLE. you, my so called (one of my) best friends, show some consideration for me can??? at least, even if we weren't even friends, it would be polite and considerate and courteous to inform me of what you've decided after we have discussed things together. dont always wait for me to ASK YOU. i'm always the one concerned about you right? it is NEVER you asking me unless it has something to do with you.
i try very hard. really i do. i dont know what is wrong and i dont know what else to do. i wonder how long this will take. i feel really miserable, anyone truly understands and knows? unless i make it damn obvious, nobody will ever know. maybe i expect everyone to be ultra sensitive, but not even the people who are supposedly close to me can tell, isn't that sad. its not that i want to be obvious and drag people down and make everyone think that i'm some depressed freak who wants people fawning over me. no. i just dont want to fake happiness, when inside i just feel like crying. sometimes, for a change, i'd like people to ask after me, to show some care and concern, even if i seem to be happy on the outside. nobody does that. seriously, nobody. and i am seriously tired and sick of always being the one asking after everyone else, especially when i get no reciprocation, and especially when i feel i am not remembered at all. i'm a sensitive person, i know.
everyone's fitting in nicely and being all happy, and i truly am happy for them. after all, how far do u expect them to go with you. noone can or will always always ALWAYS be there with you and by your side.
i try very hard. really i do. i dont know what is wrong and i dont know what else to do. i wonder how long this will take. i feel really miserable, anyone truly understands and knows? unless i make it damn obvious, nobody will ever know. maybe i expect everyone to be ultra sensitive, but not even the people who are supposedly close to me can tell, isn't that sad. its not that i want to be obvious and drag people down and make everyone think that i'm some depressed freak who wants people fawning over me. no. i just dont want to fake happiness, when inside i just feel like crying. sometimes, for a change, i'd like people to ask after me, to show some care and concern, even if i seem to be happy on the outside. nobody does that. seriously, nobody. and i am seriously tired and sick of always being the one asking after everyone else, especially when i get no reciprocation, and especially when i feel i am not remembered at all. i'm a sensitive person, i know.
everyone's fitting in nicely and being all happy, and i truly am happy for them. after all, how far do u expect them to go with you. noone can or will always always ALWAYS be there with you and by your side.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
I've got a V shaped tan from my SC Pe shirt, and this has caused my neck to turn red, in a V shape no less. LOL. Sounds funny but it looks kind of scary. This came about because we were out playing games in the sun this afternoon, during the hottest time of the day!!
But still, I enjoyed myself immensely. Even though i got that sexy tan (HA), and am feeling very drained and rather achy, I'm enjoying the orientation put together by the HC SC. I know they must have put in a LOT of effort, and they're always trying to be enthusiastic for us, and I appreciate their effort very very much. Thank you so much seniors!
There are people that just make you feel comfortable easily. Their disposition, simply laughing and smiling at everything makes me just want to stay with them forever. :) I'm glad I can meet these people, though they're extremely rare. I don't like it when people just make friends with you on a superficial level, and this makes me wonder very much if you truly treasure us and what you truly feel about us, and if you can think about something else other than always wanting to charge ahead.
I am truly glad you all remembered. Those memories and days and bonds, they seem so far away and I can't believe that once (reading my past blog posts), I loved it so much. I wonder if you all still remember the deep bond we had, and how much fun and pain we went through together. But I know that event will be shared amongst us, like an unspoken, common bond. I hope that time will be able to bring us closer together again, like last time. We have about 1 and a half years together, I'm going to try for it.
And I am especially glad that YOU remembered, and even got the pronounciation right! Actually, I can't even believe we know each other. I don't even really feel like we're proper friends! Um...but I hope we can become closer too! :) veryy much so!
everytime I think about that, I can't help it but smile. I should forget it entirely, but seems like I can't. It seemed so honest and innocent, HAHA. I guess I might have really shut that other door (and locked it) already.
NIGHT. REST IS MUCH NEEDED. :D
But still, I enjoyed myself immensely. Even though i got that sexy tan (HA), and am feeling very drained and rather achy, I'm enjoying the orientation put together by the HC SC. I know they must have put in a LOT of effort, and they're always trying to be enthusiastic for us, and I appreciate their effort very very much. Thank you so much seniors!
There are people that just make you feel comfortable easily. Their disposition, simply laughing and smiling at everything makes me just want to stay with them forever. :) I'm glad I can meet these people, though they're extremely rare. I don't like it when people just make friends with you on a superficial level, and this makes me wonder very much if you truly treasure us and what you truly feel about us, and if you can think about something else other than always wanting to charge ahead.
I am truly glad you all remembered. Those memories and days and bonds, they seem so far away and I can't believe that once (reading my past blog posts), I loved it so much. I wonder if you all still remember the deep bond we had, and how much fun and pain we went through together. But I know that event will be shared amongst us, like an unspoken, common bond. I hope that time will be able to bring us closer together again, like last time. We have about 1 and a half years together, I'm going to try for it.
And I am especially glad that YOU remembered, and even got the pronounciation right! Actually, I can't even believe we know each other. I don't even really feel like we're proper friends! Um...but I hope we can become closer too! :) veryy much so!
everytime I think about that, I can't help it but smile. I should forget it entirely, but seems like I can't. It seemed so honest and innocent, HAHA. I guess I might have really shut that other door (and locked it) already.
NIGHT. REST IS MUCH NEEDED. :D
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I really should be sleeping now, getting enough rest so I won't act like a zombie tomorrow. School is finally starting. It's rather scary, entering a different world, with different people. I'm glad that I have some of my closest friends with me in the same school, even though we might be separated in the end. I really wonder how these next 2 years will be like, and I am praying very hard for them to be smooth-sailing. Of course, I'll have to work extremely hard too, putting in my effort like never before. This goes without saying. Am I ready for it? I hope so. Well, I have to be even if I'm not.
I had a nice conversation with Eugenia Siah today. I miss her a lot a lot. She'll never ever see this but anyway, Eug I still really love you! After talking to her, I realize how much i miss the times when we were doing projects together, laughing about stupid stuff, doing weird things. And i realize that even though we're not that close anymore, not really talking, I still always want to be able to talk to you and be your friend! We'll still stay close won't we?
As I prepare to start tomorrow, and a whole new life, I feel like I'm closing some part of my life. Shutting it away and just moving forward. But still, I'm sad I don't get to do this with you, sharing this part of my life with you. We live in different worlds now, don't we? Completely different lives. sigh.
All the best to everyone! Stay happy and have lotsa fun! And manss do I just absolutely love talking to my primary school friends. I love my primary school friends to bits! :D NIGHT EVERYONE.
I had a nice conversation with Eugenia Siah today. I miss her a lot a lot. She'll never ever see this but anyway, Eug I still really love you! After talking to her, I realize how much i miss the times when we were doing projects together, laughing about stupid stuff, doing weird things. And i realize that even though we're not that close anymore, not really talking, I still always want to be able to talk to you and be your friend! We'll still stay close won't we?
As I prepare to start tomorrow, and a whole new life, I feel like I'm closing some part of my life. Shutting it away and just moving forward. But still, I'm sad I don't get to do this with you, sharing this part of my life with you. We live in different worlds now, don't we? Completely different lives. sigh.
All the best to everyone! Stay happy and have lotsa fun! And manss do I just absolutely love talking to my primary school friends. I love my primary school friends to bits! :D NIGHT EVERYONE.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I don't know but,
I think I may be falling for you,
Dropping so quickly,
Maybe I should,
Keep this to myself,
Wait until I know you better,
I am trying, not to tell you,
But I want to,
I am scared of what you'll say,
So I'm hiding,
What I'm feeling,
But I'm tired of,
Holding this inside my head.
I've been spending all my, time,
Just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.
Songs are probably like books, reflecting the human condition, the way people think and feel. :) How lovely.
I think I may be falling for you,
Dropping so quickly,
Maybe I should,
Keep this to myself,
Wait until I know you better,
I am trying, not to tell you,
But I want to,
I am scared of what you'll say,
So I'm hiding,
What I'm feeling,
But I'm tired of,
Holding this inside my head.
I've been spending all my, time,
Just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.
Songs are probably like books, reflecting the human condition, the way people think and feel. :) How lovely.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Why won't it work out for me, when others seem to have it so easy. Even though I pray so hard, so fervently, this aspect still hasn't been answered. If I've always been blessed with what I truly desire and want, can't this be included too? It's been a long long time.
Today makes it hard too. Being in such an unfamiliar place, with so many unfamiliar people, not being able to have my darling same tuition friends, its really terrible. it makes me miss all of you so so extremely extremely absolutely MUCH. I wish soo hard that we could still be the same class, working and joking around with each other. It's the place i always always looked forward to going. But now, we're all dispersed. It's so miserable. Thinking about it really just makes me want to cry. Sure, i go there to learn, and I must convince myself so. But I just wished I had all of you all with me. :( Knowing i can't talk to you about this makes me utterly sad. i want you guys, and nobody else. we must continue seeing each other and having gatherings!
I think I understand how my bro is feeling (well, partially), since i'm also feeling like how he is. its not a nice feeling. help me, do something, SAY something, ASK me. i can't believe you're that thick and dense. even so, i still can't help myself. and, you've become better. just don't become thatt outlandish hahaha! miss you and i neeeed to see you.
Today makes it hard too. Being in such an unfamiliar place, with so many unfamiliar people, not being able to have my darling same tuition friends, its really terrible. it makes me miss all of you so so extremely extremely absolutely MUCH. I wish soo hard that we could still be the same class, working and joking around with each other. It's the place i always always looked forward to going. But now, we're all dispersed. It's so miserable. Thinking about it really just makes me want to cry. Sure, i go there to learn, and I must convince myself so. But I just wished I had all of you all with me. :( Knowing i can't talk to you about this makes me utterly sad. i want you guys, and nobody else. we must continue seeing each other and having gatherings!
I think I understand how my bro is feeling (well, partially), since i'm also feeling like how he is. its not a nice feeling. help me, do something, SAY something, ASK me. i can't believe you're that thick and dense. even so, i still can't help myself. and, you've become better. just don't become thatt outlandish hahaha! miss you and i neeeed to see you.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
It's so funny how things can change once i see you're back. just a single sign on the computer and there's a huge flip of emotion. No matter how i try to convince myself, i know i can never look at you the same way and i never know when i can truly forget and get over. i can tell others the things i want and hope to achieve, and i can actually think that i believe what i say, but if i see you in real life, yeah my emotions might flip again. who are you? you're nothing. nothing special, really nothing special. sometimes though, i wished i had crawled through that golden window of opportunity. if i had taken your hand, i wonder what it would be like now. you feel so far away from me, perhaps not even caring or forgetting i exist. why? last time, it used to be so much more different and special. or maybe, you just did that to every new person you met. what am i to believe and make out of you? i know so little, i know. i'm trying hard to crack the shell. bit by bit. though i'm tired of it and i get no reciprocation. i'm dreading what i'll find next year...soon to come. suddenly i want to hide away from you and not see you anymore. no i must get over i must i must i must! i can list out all the negative aspects, but i know even that won't help. there's always this little flame which becomes uncontrollable, and then turns into a huge fire. sigh. no, i don't want to go next year and see what i find. :( there'll be better.
had an outing with my primary school girlfriends today. (mei, jie, mich t, amanda, olivia) :D boy am i thankful for them and boy am i thankful for this group which i can call my girlfriends- a group which allows me to hang out with them, having fun and enjoying their company. they accept me for who i am, (and have always done so), and are always game to try out anything. (things which are not overly flambuoyant or extravagant). its been great knowing them all these years. i really hope our friendships won't ever end, because i really really really treasure them very much. whooo i hope i can see you all often!! just being at amanda's house was fun!! :D you all make me happy and i enjoy being with you all truly (even if i might not talk that much hehh). we still have the picnic date okay!! :D:D (and the swimming? hee!!) (and the paintball too? whooo) miss you all already and want to see you all sooooon again! <3
had an outing with my primary school girlfriends today. (mei, jie, mich t, amanda, olivia) :D boy am i thankful for them and boy am i thankful for this group which i can call my girlfriends- a group which allows me to hang out with them, having fun and enjoying their company. they accept me for who i am, (and have always done so), and are always game to try out anything. (things which are not overly flambuoyant or extravagant). its been great knowing them all these years. i really hope our friendships won't ever end, because i really really really treasure them very much. whooo i hope i can see you all often!! just being at amanda's house was fun!! :D you all make me happy and i enjoy being with you all truly (even if i might not talk that much hehh). we still have the picnic date okay!! :D:D (and the swimming? hee!!) (and the paintball too? whooo) miss you all already and want to see you all sooooon again! <3
Saturday, December 12, 2009
i'm off!
It's such an unearthly hour now, and I really should be sleeping, but just want to say, bye everyone! HAHAHA. Sounds so...pompous or something.
Yosh, i'll be going to Taiwan and Hong Kong, and will be coming back around the 23rd. :) See you folks!
To my other friends going away, like CHIONG, SAM AND CHEEEE, have a wonderful holiday! keep safe ok! may we all be able to see snow.. :D
I'm gonna miss my pri sch friends! EH LETS MEET UP AGAIN BEFORE JC! OKAY OKAY OKAY! I don't care if its mindless aimless activities again HAHAHHA. Hope to see you all soon!
I'm gonna miss my anime too! :( Recently started on soul eater, and it is NICE! But of course, ONE PIECE still rules my heart. Aw, gonna miss Luffy lots, and Soul from soul eater too. HAHAHA.
Have a fun time everyone! and keep safe and happy! SEE YOU ALL SOON! <3
i am not gonna think about you or miss you. BYE! =.=
Yosh, i'll be going to Taiwan and Hong Kong, and will be coming back around the 23rd. :) See you folks!
To my other friends going away, like CHIONG, SAM AND CHEEEE, have a wonderful holiday! keep safe ok! may we all be able to see snow.. :D
I'm gonna miss my pri sch friends! EH LETS MEET UP AGAIN BEFORE JC! OKAY OKAY OKAY! I don't care if its mindless aimless activities again HAHAHHA. Hope to see you all soon!
I'm gonna miss my anime too! :( Recently started on soul eater, and it is NICE! But of course, ONE PIECE still rules my heart. Aw, gonna miss Luffy lots, and Soul from soul eater too. HAHAHA.
Have a fun time everyone! and keep safe and happy! SEE YOU ALL SOON! <3
i am not gonna think about you or miss you. BYE! =.=
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Our ultimate favourite photo. HAHAHA. Amanda's head is...GONE! :O
MY DARLING GIRL FRIENDS. <3 (Mei looks like a proud mother HAHAHAHA)
<3Sure, we spent much time stoning, not doing anything and just 'brainstorming', with our heads totally blank and at a loss, but i think the things we did were meaningful (i guess haha), and when we did it, we had lots of fun. when we first saw each other at the train station in the morning, i think we all felt a bit weird and didn't talk much. but after a while, everything became better and i think as we all fell into each others' familiar company once again, we became more comfortable. i felt comfortable myself, and completely at ease, to be in the company of people i've known almost half my life, and whom i've spent lots and lots of time with (in pri sch). although we've been apart for so many years, i still remember how close we all were. we've grown up, changed, and we might feel as if we don't know each other at all but let's not forget our childhood together also, even though it might be insignificant or seem childish and stupid. i'm so glad some of us managed to get together.
we travelled to all the developed places in singapore man. first to suntec, then orchard, then plaza sing. supremely stuck on ideas on what to do, but the games which turned out to be fun and really, broke the tension and awkwardness, and the random things we did here and there all added up to become a wonderful time. we completely owned a white, inflated ball from a counter in suntec, where we wrote down our wishes and hopes and dreams for 2010. the ball is going to be released for the marina bay countdown (i guess), and i'm hoping we can catch a glimpse of our very own special ball, which is kind of unique since the guys totally...hm, decorated it with weird things like a mother earth. HAHAHA. OH NO. SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A PIC OF OUR WONDERFUL BALL!
Then we also walked round the fountain of wealth, splashing ourselves with the cold water, and i guess, secretly wishing in our hearts as we walked the 3 rounds. then we went on alan's adventure, which was to, go to a busstop, then wait for the 3rd bus and get on it, getting out at the 7th stop and walking for 11 mins. we cheated though, so we could end up nicely in a good place like orchard. HAHA. from orchard, we waited for jianghan who conveniently told us he was in THE CATHAY, when we were in orchard cine. hm wth! i was laughing so hard when i was talking on tianhoe's phone to him..i don't know why i found it so funny but yes, i just found it sooo darn hilarious, him being so swaku. then alan took over because i proved incapable of speaking coherently and he just shouted at jianghan for being a swaku ahahahhaha. but turns out, instead of wondering how he miraculously flew from cathay (at plaza sing) to our location in a matter of minutes after getting off the phone with him, he was actually at the basement of what he knows as, THE CATHAY ORCHARD CINELEISURE. Yes, very good loh jianghan.
but in the end, we decided to walk down all the way from orchard to plaza sing, and had dinner at ajisen ramen before finally going back to tampines. thanks to tian, jiang and val for staying with me as i waited for my mum after everyone went home already! heard you all had a nice prata suppper..am jealous!! =P
well, lovely memories of today. i totally loved the company i had and i'm already being greedy and thinking of meeting up with everyone again soon. (even though planning and contacting is mafan and fail AHHA) what to do, i love you guys too much. :D (may we always continue meeting even when we're 80+years old!!!)
thanks for the wonderful day mei, mich c, mich t, jieying, amanda, chian, val, viv, tian, sheng, alan, jiang. <3
for a while, the hole was mended and filled. slowly, you are becoming just a friend. i hope it'll be better like that...maybe. am i ready to just take it at that?
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
i can't believe this. how could you all just what, forget about us? forget that you have another class? i was so hurt, i don't even know why. i don't think others would feel the same way as me, they probably would just dismiss this with a wave of their hand, but i can't. i dont know why, though i wish i could, because clearly, you all aren't worth any time. how did u all become so close anyway, or why did so many of you go? even the 2 who weren't that into all that, why...is it just because of their looks, or what?! i thought we all had a bond, were close, and that someone was planning something. is it even going to materialize? or are u already satisfied with what you have, conveniently placing us away. wth. i shouldn't care, i shouldn't feel hurt, i dont even think i should even feel all of this because whats wrong with a freaking outing, but i AM. i'm so hurt and sad and i'm angry myself for even bothering. clearly, our bond is not strong enough, and clearly, noone feels it as much as i do. so saying, i was so shocked to have learnt about that. they aren't even in the same class as you! you all are separate! on separate places and ends and all! i am shocked and hurt, and i hope you all haven't forgotten us or our bond. please, even though i feel angry with you all, i still love you all and the class. (BTW THIS IS NOOOOT NOT NOT NOT about my pri sch people. )
sigh, why is it that even though i try so hard, i feel like i'm losing. i'm losing all the people that matter to me, seeing them lead different lives, seeing them have their own band, leaving me out. it feels like a piece of cloth, which has become frayed in so many places, and the threads are just barely holding each other in place anymore. i dont want to lose anyone please. T.T this hurts so much. hurt hurt hurt :( i'm trying, trying very hard, okay?
and no matter how i try, try to forget or get over, i CAN'T. WHY WHY WHY. NOOO. i want to, i need to, i have to. disappear from my life NOW! the worse thing is, you dont know, you dont know how its making me feel, you dont know anything, how i watch it closely and all..how much i miss you. because i really do, so much so much so much and even i can't believe it. i ask myself, whats so special? is there really something so special? and deep inside, i know the answer is no, but then somewhere else, yes resonates. so...what? you dont deserve this, nor do i.but i just can't stop! how?! i want to curse you, hate you for doing this, though i guess its really not your fault at all. but worse, you dont even seem to care, never even talking and probably never even thinking or caring A SINGLE BIT. how could you? even AS A FRIEND. didn't we share that huh, weren't we close, it might have been once upon a time, so looong ago (and i'm sad i didnt grab it, cherish it more), and i think we were both scared of doing anything. HAHA. i really think there was, that perhaps you did want and care like i did. so did it just blow over? blow over you, like normal leaves that are ruffled in the wind. and so now, am i nothing at all to you? nothing?! you're my friend ok, and i care. i wish i get some, even a bit, of reciprocation. and even though you dont give me that simple thing, i still continue, hoping for the impossible, that maybe that sound comes from YOU. which obviously will never ever be. do u even remember i exist in your life. i'm so hurt by you. just something, no matter how little, would be nice. if not, i really needa forget and get over. but i know its not so simple. i can't.
hurt, sad, hurt, sad, that's all i'm feeling right now. (now that i've let it out, i dont really care about the first thing anymore, because the only consolation i get is that you werent part of it.) i still wish for a miracle. been praying so hard, but why is it unanswered. please at least show u haven't forgotten.
sigh, why is it that even though i try so hard, i feel like i'm losing. i'm losing all the people that matter to me, seeing them lead different lives, seeing them have their own band, leaving me out. it feels like a piece of cloth, which has become frayed in so many places, and the threads are just barely holding each other in place anymore. i dont want to lose anyone please. T.T this hurts so much. hurt hurt hurt :( i'm trying, trying very hard, okay?
and no matter how i try, try to forget or get over, i CAN'T. WHY WHY WHY. NOOO. i want to, i need to, i have to. disappear from my life NOW! the worse thing is, you dont know, you dont know how its making me feel, you dont know anything, how i watch it closely and all..how much i miss you. because i really do, so much so much so much and even i can't believe it. i ask myself, whats so special? is there really something so special? and deep inside, i know the answer is no, but then somewhere else, yes resonates. so...what? you dont deserve this, nor do i.but i just can't stop! how?! i want to curse you, hate you for doing this, though i guess its really not your fault at all. but worse, you dont even seem to care, never even talking and probably never even thinking or caring A SINGLE BIT. how could you? even AS A FRIEND. didn't we share that huh, weren't we close, it might have been once upon a time, so looong ago (and i'm sad i didnt grab it, cherish it more), and i think we were both scared of doing anything. HAHA. i really think there was, that perhaps you did want and care like i did. so did it just blow over? blow over you, like normal leaves that are ruffled in the wind. and so now, am i nothing at all to you? nothing?! you're my friend ok, and i care. i wish i get some, even a bit, of reciprocation. and even though you dont give me that simple thing, i still continue, hoping for the impossible, that maybe that sound comes from YOU. which obviously will never ever be. do u even remember i exist in your life. i'm so hurt by you. just something, no matter how little, would be nice. if not, i really needa forget and get over. but i know its not so simple. i can't.
hurt, sad, hurt, sad, that's all i'm feeling right now. (now that i've let it out, i dont really care about the first thing anymore, because the only consolation i get is that you werent part of it.) i still wish for a miracle. been praying so hard, but why is it unanswered. please at least show u haven't forgotten.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Feeling slightly happier now, because of a specific reason. :D
I still wish for more though, duh, because this doesn't feel like much. Sigh, when can I see and hear the real thing.
Watched A Christmas Carol today with Andrea, Kristen Tan and Sam! =) It was quite scary though! Many surprises and shocks here and there, especially when the ghosts come out and their hand gestures and all.
AFA TOMORROW! Excited! =D
I was excited to be able to go somewhere with my bro, because he's also setting off early in the morning to go to jurong point, and maybe have breakfast with him. It's fun being with my bro cos usually i always don't get to spend time with him and I do miss him. But he was being all Mr Sunshine-y on me. =.= He was just grunting and snuffling when I talked to him (rather enthusiastically). WLAO What is your problem. thanks a lot for always treating me like that when i genuinely miss you and want to spend some time with you! stupid.
sighhhh miss you so much, hope i can see you soon and talk to you soon. miss you miss you miss you! aaah! feel like killing you one day.
I still wish for more though, duh, because this doesn't feel like much. Sigh, when can I see and hear the real thing.
Watched A Christmas Carol today with Andrea, Kristen Tan and Sam! =) It was quite scary though! Many surprises and shocks here and there, especially when the ghosts come out and their hand gestures and all.
AFA TOMORROW! Excited! =D
I was excited to be able to go somewhere with my bro, because he's also setting off early in the morning to go to jurong point, and maybe have breakfast with him. It's fun being with my bro cos usually i always don't get to spend time with him and I do miss him. But he was being all Mr Sunshine-y on me. =.= He was just grunting and snuffling when I talked to him (rather enthusiastically). WLAO What is your problem. thanks a lot for always treating me like that when i genuinely miss you and want to spend some time with you! stupid.
sighhhh miss you so much, hope i can see you soon and talk to you soon. miss you miss you miss you! aaah! feel like killing you one day.
Friday, November 20, 2009
PRESENTING, TAKAHATA MISAKI! (he's 16 too LOL)
MISAKI IN SCRAP TEACHER! =D (he was a bad boy though HAHAH)
He was in BI Shadow, some teenage jap pop group, but he quit. T.T (I'm sure you can pick out who he is even though this pic contains 3 guys right? Since there're so many pics of him above.. =P)
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST! I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS PIC OF THEM. OF COURSE, I ESPECIALLY LOVE MISAKI! He looks SOOO COOL in the specs!
MISAKI IN SCRAP TEACHER! =D (he was a bad boy though HAHAH)He was in BI Shadow, some teenage jap pop group, but he quit. T.T (I'm sure you can pick out who he is even though this pic contains 3 guys right? Since there're so many pics of him above.. =P)
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST! I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS PIC OF THEM. OF COURSE, I ESPECIALLY LOVE MISAKI! He looks SOOO COOL in the specs!(ok sigh I don't want to fan girl...I'm not obsessed with him. I just like him quite a lot that's all LOL) <3
dramas
Watched momo love episode 5 today, and finished watching scrap teacher!
I don't think I really like watching romantic dramas, because they make us all swoon and lust over this perfect, unattainable guy; a guy that is (very most likely) NOT going to ever appear in real life. The things that these perfect guys do in dramas are probably not going to happen in real life, so they just make me feel more disappointed, and makes me have this warped view of love and relationships. HAHA. But I know many people still love watching dramas, and well yeah, I guess I do too, seeing how the drama unfolds and envying the lead girls who get all their wonderful guys. (Actually I guess I don't like seeing this...)
But I feel that dramas always have expected endings =( The endings should have more surprise! OKAY. I know I don't watch that many dramas, but then, somehow, of all the dramas I know and have watched, the endings are all expected. ZZZ. Like BOF, man how i wished that Jan Di could be with JiHoo, but NOO. As usual, (what else do you expect), she ends up with Jun Pyo, the guy who buys her over with his pots of money and steals her away when Ji Hoo went away. COME ON. Even if the DIRECTOR'S INTENTION was to please the audience, I'm sure people won't mind if you just gave a twist to the ending and let the poor, lonely Ji Hoo have Jan Di. After all, I think he's done much more for her, and understands her better. And for goong, i didn't watch it (and I can't bring myself to continue past the first episode even though I've tried twice), but duhh I know who the girl's gonna end up with. For You're Beautiful, (the anime Andrea's pestering me to watch and the one Chiong's starting now), aiya, I just watch some MVs, and I already know who's gonna end up with the girl. I mean, if you already know who's going to end up with who, why still watch. The ending's not going to change and I'm just going to feel super mad and frustrated with the director and the characters HAHAHA. After a while, you're just watching the trials and tribulations and the problems that these 2 characters go through just to be with each other. Throw in ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends and third parties, parental disapproval, dream chasing, moving away, sudden change of heart...that about makes up all the problems. But you know that, in the end, they will still be together no matter what. HMM. Like that would really happen in real life.
HAHA OKAY SORRY. I know I sound like I'm totally slamming dramas, but this is just how I feel. Its ok, dramas are still very very nice! I shall grit my teeth and continue on with momo love simply because I like the character of HUANG YUYI, played by our dear SINGAPOREAN HUANG JING LUN. He is hilarious and I really enjoy watching his antics. Also partly for Jiro Wang...but not really la. Sigh. I already know tao hua's gonna end up with him.. zzz. And at the beginning of the drama, in the first ep, how did tao hua get to know shi lang (jiro's character), you ask? Well, she and her friend spied this guy's back, and said he was a handsome guy. Then, suuuch a coincidence, this handsome guy (shi lang DUH), and tao hua get off at the same busstop, and it was raining. And tao hua didn't have an umbrella. And well, what do you know, shi lang gives her his umbrella! Sacrificing himself and running back out in the rain with just his hoodie. AWWW. Well, that makes you lust and swoon doesn't it. I have to keep reminding myself this will NOT happen in real life. Please, will a guy seriously just pass an umbrella to a complete stranger? He probably would only if the girl was really pretty and he wanted to get to know her or something. OKAY. It MIGHT happen, but what are the chances? Our life is NOT a drama. Well, I guess that's why dramas are created then, to transport us to this different world, where we can imagine, swoon, lust, go crazy over pretty boys...sigh.
(let me continue on a bit more...and what a COINCIDENCE, shi lang turns out to be tao hua's brother's friend from a long time ago. WOW. huhhhh. is there such a coincidence in real life? HAHAHA.)
Ok, at least in momo love, shi lang didn't immediately fall for tao hua. at least that makes it a bit more bearable. =P
Alright, I don't want to make anymore drama lovers angry at me. This is just how I feel. :) So saying, I liked scrap teacher quite a lot. Though there wasn't any romance in it and the endings and story line weren't predictable and zzz.
And, I have suddenly taken a huge liking to TAKAHATA MISAKI. (oops, see how dramas make you crazy over pretty boys? SIGH I don't like this)
At first look, he's not thaaat good looking, but after a while, like Joy says, he kinds of grows on you, and man, he IS COOL AND GOOD LOOKING! So, I've saved a few photos of him (all taken from the net, thanks to the people who put them up! these photos are NOT MINE), and i shall put them up here so everyone can also savour his wonderfulness WHOO!
SHALL PUT THE PICS IN ANOTHER POST!
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
there's one more thing i need to make my joy and freedom from after o's complete. really, i feel this hole and emptiness in me. i can't believe people can actually feel like that. still feel so miserable, and even though i have absolutely heavenly friends whom i love so much, they can't replace you nor can they patch up this hole. i wish i could just forget or stop; this is so pathetic, but i don't know why, i just can't. i pray about it even; this is impossible, it seems wrong to be praying about such things. one day i'm going to kill you for making me like this. one day i'm going to tell you everything too. i'm eagerly waiting for that chance.
pre prom to dos!
Pre Prom is stressful! I've got a whole list of to-dos right now, before I head down to Orchard to do up myself. I shall post my to-dos here cos I need to see a list so that I can mentally check off what I've done and what I have to do, and I don't know why i'm posting it up on my blog but I just feel like it. :)
1. Iron my dress! Aaah dreading this because everytime I iron, I always feel as though the piece of clothing still doesn't look good enough. At least I shifted the ironing board out into the living room, where its cooler and I can listen to my music on my laptop AHHAHAHA.
2. Pack my dress into those suit casings. But prior to that, must wipe the casing first. Then hang up the dress and try my best NOT TO GET IT CRUMPLED.
3. Put on some gel thingy at the back of my shoes.
4. Pack my prom stuff, without forgetting anything.
5. Shower.
6. Will probably take a cab down to orchard since it'll be so funny to carry around my dress and shoes and all that in an mrt and bus. Besides, I'm trying my best not to get sweaty.
trying to crack my brains very hard on wondering how to not get my dress crumpled and how to not get sweaty. HAHAHA. sighh. I really really hope my dress doesn't get crumpled and I really really hope I can survive the night in my shoes cos my calves have been aching very badly since sunday. =(
okay I probably should get down to my ironing now. I take very long to iron, fussing over many minute details. arghhh.
1. Iron my dress! Aaah dreading this because everytime I iron, I always feel as though the piece of clothing still doesn't look good enough. At least I shifted the ironing board out into the living room, where its cooler and I can listen to my music on my laptop AHHAHAHA.
2. Pack my dress into those suit casings. But prior to that, must wipe the casing first. Then hang up the dress and try my best NOT TO GET IT CRUMPLED.
3. Put on some gel thingy at the back of my shoes.
4. Pack my prom stuff, without forgetting anything.
5. Shower.
6. Will probably take a cab down to orchard since it'll be so funny to carry around my dress and shoes and all that in an mrt and bus. Besides, I'm trying my best not to get sweaty.
trying to crack my brains very hard on wondering how to not get my dress crumpled and how to not get sweaty. HAHAHA. sighh. I really really hope my dress doesn't get crumpled and I really really hope I can survive the night in my shoes cos my calves have been aching very badly since sunday. =(
okay I probably should get down to my ironing now. I take very long to iron, fussing over many minute details. arghhh.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
miss you
i miss you so much,
i wish i could see you,
i wish i could see your smile,
i wish i could hear your voice,
i wish i could talk to you properly,
i wish you were here.
i thought maybe, if you were gone, it'd fade away. but, seems like it only intensified and grew. gosh i miss you so very much.
VALERIE KHOO, VANESSA KHOO, I MISS YOU TWO SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH TOO! I'm utterly sad you 2 can't be here to celebrate our happiness! Gosh can't wait to see you all soooon! I MISS YOU 2 LOVIES!
so many people close to me seem to be leaving, or have already left. this is the pain of growing up, and having to learn to let go.
i wish i could see you,
i wish i could see your smile,
i wish i could hear your voice,
i wish i could talk to you properly,
i wish you were here.
i thought maybe, if you were gone, it'd fade away. but, seems like it only intensified and grew. gosh i miss you so very much.
VALERIE KHOO, VANESSA KHOO, I MISS YOU TWO SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH TOO! I'm utterly sad you 2 can't be here to celebrate our happiness! Gosh can't wait to see you all soooon! I MISS YOU 2 LOVIES!
so many people close to me seem to be leaving, or have already left. this is the pain of growing up, and having to learn to let go.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
last one!
It's the last one today!
Sigh if only you were someone else. eeeek.
And I'm really still hoping hard and praying hard i get that ONE THING, last one for the YEAR and i've hardly gotten it wlao.its like some big miracle if that happens. (though it feels so impossible... :( ) so i hope that a huge miracle'll happen tonight HAHAHA.
must get everyone's numbers!
All the best for today AAAAH!
Sigh if only you were someone else. eeeek.
And I'm really still hoping hard and praying hard i get that ONE THING, last one for the YEAR and i've hardly gotten it wlao.its like some big miracle if that happens. (though it feels so impossible... :( ) so i hope that a huge miracle'll happen tonight HAHAHA.
must get everyone's numbers!
All the best for today AAAAH!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
2 more
2 more sessions with Raymond at suntec. After that, I wonder if i'll ever see you, and all of them again. This hurts my heart, and brings me a feeling which is empty, heavy and utterly sad. i don't know how I'll deal with not seeing you anymore; how that bright light at the end of my week will just die out. OHMY. You really have no idea.
The last 2, the very last 2. I just wish that, you won't be so far. I wish so hard and bad, because its only 2 more, then, .... I have no idea. It's going to be hard letting go. Can't believe I've held on for so long. I bet my brother won't believe it. Even I can't believe it myself!
My nights next week are going to be so lonely.
2 more, 2 more! That's such a small number! We all took class photos today... i am feeling sooo nostalgic and sentimental.
2 more. That's also only if you do come anyway, the unpredictable, evasive you. I feel like telling you everything, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.
i pray and wish sooo hard, please please please. just once please, please give me that! I haven't been so demanding have i? PLEASE. anyway, I'm going to make sure i get that. that one, I WILL. this one, i pray and wish. PLEASE AAAH!
aw kl all the best ok! haha i want to watch you bowl one day.
Raymond: "All the best guys, bye, miss you. Update me with your life!" AW <3
The last 2, the very last 2. I just wish that, you won't be so far. I wish so hard and bad, because its only 2 more, then, .... I have no idea. It's going to be hard letting go. Can't believe I've held on for so long. I bet my brother won't believe it. Even I can't believe it myself!
My nights next week are going to be so lonely.
2 more, 2 more! That's such a small number! We all took class photos today... i am feeling sooo nostalgic and sentimental.
2 more. That's also only if you do come anyway, the unpredictable, evasive you. I feel like telling you everything, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.
i pray and wish sooo hard, please please please. just once please, please give me that! I haven't been so demanding have i? PLEASE. anyway, I'm going to make sure i get that. that one, I WILL. this one, i pray and wish. PLEASE AAAH!
aw kl all the best ok! haha i want to watch you bowl one day.
Raymond: "All the best guys, bye, miss you. Update me with your life!" AW <3
Friday, October 23, 2009
tag replies MRS NAKAJIMA, CHIONG AND MEIII!
MRS NAKAJIMA: OOOI YOU. HOW DARE U HAVE A WEDDING AND BECOME MMRSS NAKAJIMA WITHOUT INVITING ME AH! make me lose my chance to see yamada man POOT.hahaha. Come back soon from Japan and visit my blog and tag! YAY THANKS!
CHIONG: heee. thankeee for always visiting! you jia you and dont be so pissed too! my anger always passes la, not alarming or whatever. =D
MEI!: HELLOOO DEAR MEI! YAY YOU STILL COME TO MY BLOG! COME OFTEN OK! HAHAHA MISSSS YOU MOOORE! After o's must go out with me ok! <3
CHIONG: heee. thankeee for always visiting! you jia you and dont be so pissed too! my anger always passes la, not alarming or whatever. =D
MEI!: HELLOOO DEAR MEI! YAY YOU STILL COME TO MY BLOG! COME OFTEN OK! HAHAHA MISSSS YOU MOOORE! After o's must go out with me ok! <3
you'll never know
After today,
you'll probably,
Never know how I felt,
Never know how much I thought and thought,
Never know what I said to others, going on and on,
Never know what it meant to see you,
Never know what that brilliant smile meant to me and my week ahead,
Never know how (so, very extremely) happy I felt,
Never know anything other than everything at the surface.
Will you just walk out of my life like you entered it? Probably. Most likely. I didn't even get that one chance I longed and yearned for so badly. Its not even anything bad. Why weren't my prayers answered on this one?
So, its probably just going to end here. Like this. Normally. Pity. Because I knew we could've been so much more, better and closer friends too.
Shucks, I still can't let you go yet. I can't believe you'll just leave my life like that. I want to try to catch you, but I know I never can nor never will.
There's so much you'll never know.
you'll probably,
Never know how I felt,
Never know how much I thought and thought,
Never know what I said to others, going on and on,
Never know what it meant to see you,
Never know what that brilliant smile meant to me and my week ahead,
Never know how (so, very extremely) happy I felt,
Never know anything other than everything at the surface.
Will you just walk out of my life like you entered it? Probably. Most likely. I didn't even get that one chance I longed and yearned for so badly. Its not even anything bad. Why weren't my prayers answered on this one?
So, its probably just going to end here. Like this. Normally. Pity. Because I knew we could've been so much more, better and closer friends too.
Shucks, I still can't let you go yet. I can't believe you'll just leave my life like that. I want to try to catch you, but I know I never can nor never will.
There's so much you'll never know.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
last time as a class
Today (since its past 12am OOPS) is going to be the last time I'll ever be having Raymonds as a class, with all my fellow Raymonds classmates together. Wow. Time really really flies. I can't believe that after today, we'll all go our separate ways, maybe never seeing each other again. Man, that hurts my heart, thinking how we might never see one another ever again. We've really come so far together. From that time I joined in November last year, our journey has been a real fun and enjoyable one.
I can still remember how scared I was, when I first joined. I never wanted to look anyone in the eye, and the class was quiet as a tomb. Noone spoke to anyone, and it was just so dead and horrible.
But then, slowly, everyone started to open up and talk to each other. As I said, it was the familiarity that sunk in, which reached out to all of us, and maybe, the journey we had to go on together.
Now, we've finally reached that point, the exit path. After tomorrow, i'm really really going to miss everything, I'm going to miss it so much so much, my heart's really aching. I can't believe I could feel so attached to a tuition class.
I can't say why I love everyone so much, but I'm so glad I got this chance to take this road, and meet all this people, and be a part of something so nice. Somehow, math seems so much more bearable that I know we're all in this together.
The tests early in the morning, at 8am, they're finally over and done with. Hah, who could forget, the very first time we came for the test, Ivan appeared like a drunkard, collapsing and staggering against the door, gasping "Who in the world wakes up at 8am for test in tuition!?" LOL.
The PRESENTATIONS. woah, where Raymond loved making fun of us. Even though these were trying and embarrassing and nervous times, I miss them lots too. We always laughed a lot at the poor presenter's demise. HEHHEHHEH.
The CLASS, and my CLASSMATES, my dear people (and of course raymond, though I'll still see him hahahaha), i'm going to miss hanging around with them, sitting in class and listening to them banter with Raymond and of course, the childish antics from the boys. HM.
I don't know why I feel so sentimental. I wonder if anyone else feels this much emotions about a simple tuition class. But still, I know how much I want today's 3 hour session to last forever and ever. 3 hour's probably too short. :(
Man, I'm already missing you guys. I'll make sure I treasure every minute, second, milli second, micro second today.
Love you all.
I can still remember how scared I was, when I first joined. I never wanted to look anyone in the eye, and the class was quiet as a tomb. Noone spoke to anyone, and it was just so dead and horrible.
But then, slowly, everyone started to open up and talk to each other. As I said, it was the familiarity that sunk in, which reached out to all of us, and maybe, the journey we had to go on together.
Now, we've finally reached that point, the exit path. After tomorrow, i'm really really going to miss everything, I'm going to miss it so much so much, my heart's really aching. I can't believe I could feel so attached to a tuition class.
I can't say why I love everyone so much, but I'm so glad I got this chance to take this road, and meet all this people, and be a part of something so nice. Somehow, math seems so much more bearable that I know we're all in this together.
The tests early in the morning, at 8am, they're finally over and done with. Hah, who could forget, the very first time we came for the test, Ivan appeared like a drunkard, collapsing and staggering against the door, gasping "Who in the world wakes up at 8am for test in tuition!?" LOL.
The PRESENTATIONS. woah, where Raymond loved making fun of us. Even though these were trying and embarrassing and nervous times, I miss them lots too. We always laughed a lot at the poor presenter's demise. HEHHEHHEH.
The CLASS, and my CLASSMATES, my dear people (and of course raymond, though I'll still see him hahahaha), i'm going to miss hanging around with them, sitting in class and listening to them banter with Raymond and of course, the childish antics from the boys. HM.
I don't know why I feel so sentimental. I wonder if anyone else feels this much emotions about a simple tuition class. But still, I know how much I want today's 3 hour session to last forever and ever. 3 hour's probably too short. :(
Man, I'm already missing you guys. I'll make sure I treasure every minute, second, milli second, micro second today.
Love you all.
Monday, October 19, 2009
golden haired perfection
I'd choose the golden haired, angelic, perfect looking french.
I'd reach across that expanse (which is nothingness) to take that outstretched hand.
I'd never have to see the hurt in your eyes or feel my heart breaking because yours did too.
I wish you could just take me away.
if only it weren't a dream; my golden haired, angelic perfection.
I'd reach across that expanse (which is nothingness) to take that outstretched hand.
I'd never have to see the hurt in your eyes or feel my heart breaking because yours did too.
I wish you could just take me away.
if only it weren't a dream; my golden haired, angelic perfection.
Monday, October 12, 2009
wrinkled up
I'm so wrinkled up, dry and crumbly.
Inside its hollow,
Nothing beats anymore.
There's no more hope,
I don't want to imagine,
I'm falling out,
I'm tired of waiting and being passive.
I wish you'd start it first, please.
I only ask for once. Only once. (But if I do get one, I'll want more...and is that wrong? That's natural for man right, being greedy, grabbing more chances when we should be thankful for the only one we managed to get.)
But I haven't even got this one. I desperately want this one. i'm trying to save, push, move everything aside just in hope of this one. O N E. is all I need and want. at least 1.
I've prayed so hard about it, did You hear me? i'll pray harder then. You have no idea how much I want it, please let it come true.
I want to run away. I don't want to go near them. One only harps on things which I find so trivial and anal, sometimes I even feel he talks to me about them on purpose with the aim of irritating me. Do I not make it plain to see that i DO NOT want to talk about topics like that? Doing things which you tell others not to, not doing things you preach, what kind of example are you setting?! I'd like to stomp on that inflated head of yours someday.
And you, why is it when i want to talk to you, that you have nothing to say and don't even bother responding sometimes?! i should just NOT EVER talk to you, since you don't even bother responding. do u know how I hate it when people don't respond? I absolutely hate it. And when you miraculously feel like talking, you nag so terribly about things which you have said countless of times, and about things which just make me feel even more inadequate and angry. Thanks a lot.
Some people are making me so annoyed and pissed. Back off, I don't want to talk to you.
Inside its hollow,
Nothing beats anymore.
There's no more hope,
I don't want to imagine,
I'm falling out,
I'm tired of waiting and being passive.
I wish you'd start it first, please.
I only ask for once. Only once. (But if I do get one, I'll want more...and is that wrong? That's natural for man right, being greedy, grabbing more chances when we should be thankful for the only one we managed to get.)
But I haven't even got this one. I desperately want this one. i'm trying to save, push, move everything aside just in hope of this one. O N E. is all I need and want. at least 1.
I've prayed so hard about it, did You hear me? i'll pray harder then. You have no idea how much I want it, please let it come true.
I want to run away. I don't want to go near them. One only harps on things which I find so trivial and anal, sometimes I even feel he talks to me about them on purpose with the aim of irritating me. Do I not make it plain to see that i DO NOT want to talk about topics like that? Doing things which you tell others not to, not doing things you preach, what kind of example are you setting?! I'd like to stomp on that inflated head of yours someday.
And you, why is it when i want to talk to you, that you have nothing to say and don't even bother responding sometimes?! i should just NOT EVER talk to you, since you don't even bother responding. do u know how I hate it when people don't respond? I absolutely hate it. And when you miraculously feel like talking, you nag so terribly about things which you have said countless of times, and about things which just make me feel even more inadequate and angry. Thanks a lot.
Some people are making me so annoyed and pissed. Back off, I don't want to talk to you.
Tuition
Today, tuition was entertaining. HAHA so many weird topics raymond lapsed into...and with khatib and the boys egging him on, it got soo funny man. I love my math tuition! I am so going to miss it when o's are over. Already, our last saturday session, with test, is this week. So fast! Our journey together's gonna be over soon. I'm glad I got to join it though, and even though its at the Bras Basah side, which is far from my beloved cousins, i'm still so glad everything worked out properly and that our class is so...interesting. =D
The boys were being childish today, throwing little bits of eraser around. =.= HOW STUPID IS THAT?! 16 years old...yes, 16 and still throwing eraser at others.
It was so lame Rachael and I were laughing like crazy behind. We sit right at the back with all the guys...ahhaha, can witness them doing all their stupid, silly, childish antics. I'm going to miss all this. :(
Raymond's passionately teaching us, facing the front and explaining..and i DO LISTEN OK. I listen to his explanations and all, but I find it so hilarious that behind his back little bits of white eraser pieces go flying around the room =.=, and he doesn't suspect a thing. Then when he turns to look at us and the guys, ahhahaha, I just nearly want to explode with laughter. The guys just sit there as if they're so innocent.
Some quotes from today (will be slightly edited, also because I can't really remember)
Raymond: "For the girls, must starve and not eat anything. For the guys...the problem's mainly the tummy." (haha, on looking good)
(when the topic deviated to fanciful drinks like wine and...jolly shandy?! and beer and all..)
Khatib: "No la, I don't drink any of those, I like drinking MILO."
HAHAHAHAHAA!
I love my tuition class so much! =D
The boys were being childish today, throwing little bits of eraser around. =.= HOW STUPID IS THAT?! 16 years old...yes, 16 and still throwing eraser at others.
It was so lame Rachael and I were laughing like crazy behind. We sit right at the back with all the guys...ahhaha, can witness them doing all their stupid, silly, childish antics. I'm going to miss all this. :(
Raymond's passionately teaching us, facing the front and explaining..and i DO LISTEN OK. I listen to his explanations and all, but I find it so hilarious that behind his back little bits of white eraser pieces go flying around the room =.=, and he doesn't suspect a thing. Then when he turns to look at us and the guys, ahhahaha, I just nearly want to explode with laughter. The guys just sit there as if they're so innocent.
Some quotes from today (will be slightly edited, also because I can't really remember)
Raymond: "For the girls, must starve and not eat anything. For the guys...the problem's mainly the tummy." (haha, on looking good)
(when the topic deviated to fanciful drinks like wine and...jolly shandy?! and beer and all..)
Khatib: "No la, I don't drink any of those, I like drinking MILO."
HAHAHAHAHAA!
I love my tuition class so much! =D
Sunday, October 11, 2009
found it!
I finally found it, while I was pedalling furiously on a piece of machinery, no less, watching the repeat telecast of Singapore Idol.
Yup, finally found it when Duane Ho (who i am supporting because he's the same age as us..and is he taking o's this year too? I think so man! ALL THE BEST! May your Idol journey be really really worth it!) sang the song...
It's 當你 by 王心凌
當你的眼睛 瞇著 笑
當 你喝可 樂當你吵
我想對你好 你 從 來不知 道
想 你想你 也 能成為嗜好
當 你說 今 天的煩 惱
我想 對你說 卻 害 怕 都 說 錯
好 喜 歡 你 知不 知 道
YAY! HAHAHA. At last! :) For those who even bother reading the chinese words, they're in fan ti zi, but its okay, I think you'll still be able to recognise the words.
Hm it really does reflect on it, yay I finally managed to pin it down and find it! whooo.
Yup, finally found it when Duane Ho (who i am supporting because he's the same age as us..and is he taking o's this year too? I think so man! ALL THE BEST! May your Idol journey be really really worth it!) sang the song...
It's 當你 by 王心凌
當你的眼睛 瞇著 笑
當 你喝可 樂當你吵
我想對你好 你 從 來不知 道
想 你想你 也 能成為嗜好
當 你說 今 天的煩 惱
我想 對你說 卻 害 怕 都 說 錯
好 喜 歡 你 知不 知 道
YAY! HAHAHA. At last! :) For those who even bother reading the chinese words, they're in fan ti zi, but its okay, I think you'll still be able to recognise the words.
Hm it really does reflect on it, yay I finally managed to pin it down and find it! whooo.
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