i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.

today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.

as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.

well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.

missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!

don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........

that smile could melt me anytime though.

but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.

but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.

it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.

Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.



SERIOUSLY.

i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.

today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.





on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.

its really easy to see who cares about you and who doesn't. its so easy to just give a superficial, seemingly caring response, but it will be a mistake to take you seriously. to think that maybe, just maybe, you remembered how anxious i had been and bothered to follow up. of course not. so many years of knowing you (and you guys), i really thought you all could be my true, best friends. i care a whole darn lot about your affairs. when you're anxious, sad, hurt, angry, i'll try my best. and i show my care and concern. once you're okay though, i don't know, it seems like i'm just one of those friends you'll only talk to once in a while, if you feel like it. i am really annoyed at always having to be the one reaching out to you. you don't even really spare a thought for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i thought you were one of my best friends. seems like you're drifting away, and taking advantage of my effort, assuming it'll always be there. looks like i was wrong. i was hoping so hard you wouldn't be a friend like her, but i'm wrong. you've become like her. but she's changed, though i no longer will trust her. but you? (and you guys? just especially you) and you don't even really bother talking or striking up conversation with me. well. ain't this friendship just give me a wonderful feeling.

It is just a DRAMA

So the past 2 days after finishing blocks, I have been holing myself at home, glued to the computer and my seat, watching a korean drama GOD OF STUDY.

Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.

The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.

I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D

All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.

It really is just a drama!