It's so funny how things can change once i see you're back. just a single sign on the computer and there's a huge flip of emotion. No matter how i try to convince myself, i know i can never look at you the same way and i never know when i can truly forget and get over. i can tell others the things i want and hope to achieve, and i can actually think that i believe what i say, but if i see you in real life, yeah my emotions might flip again. who are you? you're nothing. nothing special, really nothing special. sometimes though, i wished i had crawled through that golden window of opportunity. if i had taken your hand, i wonder what it would be like now. you feel so far away from me, perhaps not even caring or forgetting i exist. why? last time, it used to be so much more different and special. or maybe, you just did that to every new person you met. what am i to believe and make out of you? i know so little, i know. i'm trying hard to crack the shell. bit by bit. though i'm tired of it and i get no reciprocation. i'm dreading what i'll find next year...soon to come. suddenly i want to hide away from you and not see you anymore. no i must get over i must i must i must! i can list out all the negative aspects, but i know even that won't help. there's always this little flame which becomes uncontrollable, and then turns into a huge fire. sigh. no, i don't want to go next year and see what i find. :( there'll be better.

had an outing with my primary school girlfriends today. (mei, jie, mich t, amanda, olivia) :D boy am i thankful for them and boy am i thankful for this group which i can call my girlfriends- a group which allows me to hang out with them, having fun and enjoying their company. they accept me for who i am, (and have always done so), and are always game to try out anything. (things which are not overly flambuoyant or extravagant). its been great knowing them all these years. i really hope our friendships won't ever end, because i really really really treasure them very much. whooo i hope i can see you all often!! just being at amanda's house was fun!! :D you all make me happy and i enjoy being with you all truly (even if i might not talk that much hehh). we still have the picnic date okay!! :D:D (and the swimming? hee!!) (and the paintball too? whooo) miss you all already and want to see you all sooooon again! <3

i'm off!

It's such an unearthly hour now, and I really should be sleeping, but just want to say, bye everyone! HAHAHA. Sounds so...pompous or something.

Yosh, i'll be going to Taiwan and Hong Kong, and will be coming back around the 23rd. :) See you folks!

To my other friends going away, like CHIONG, SAM AND CHEEEE, have a wonderful holiday! keep safe ok! may we all be able to see snow.. :D

I'm gonna miss my pri sch friends! EH LETS MEET UP AGAIN BEFORE JC! OKAY OKAY OKAY! I don't care if its mindless aimless activities again HAHAHHA. Hope to see you all soon!

I'm gonna miss my anime too! :( Recently started on soul eater, and it is NICE! But of course, ONE PIECE still rules my heart. Aw, gonna miss Luffy lots, and Soul from soul eater too. HAHAHA.

Have a fun time everyone! and keep safe and happy! SEE YOU ALL SOON! <3

i am not gonna think about you or miss you. BYE! =.=

Our ultimate favourite photo. HAHAHA. Amanda's head is...GONE! :O

MY DARLING GIRL FRIENDS. <3 (Mei looks like a proud mother HAHAHAHA)

<3
Sure, we spent much time stoning, not doing anything and just 'brainstorming', with our heads totally blank and at a loss, but i think the things we did were meaningful (i guess haha), and when we did it, we had lots of fun. when we first saw each other at the train station in the morning, i think we all felt a bit weird and didn't talk much. but after a while, everything became better and i think as we all fell into each others' familiar company once again, we became more comfortable. i felt comfortable myself, and completely at ease, to be in the company of people i've known almost half my life, and whom i've spent lots and lots of time with (in pri sch). although we've been apart for so many years, i still remember how close we all were. we've grown up, changed, and we might feel as if we don't know each other at all but let's not forget our childhood together also, even though it might be insignificant or seem childish and stupid. i'm so glad some of us managed to get together.

we travelled to all the developed places in singapore man. first to suntec, then orchard, then plaza sing. supremely stuck on ideas on what to do, but the games which turned out to be fun and really, broke the tension and awkwardness, and the random things we did here and there all added up to become a wonderful time. we completely owned a white, inflated ball from a counter in suntec, where we wrote down our wishes and hopes and dreams for 2010. the ball is going to be released for the marina bay countdown (i guess), and i'm hoping we can catch a glimpse of our very own special ball, which is kind of unique since the guys totally...hm, decorated it with weird things like a mother earth. HAHAHA. OH NO. SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A PIC OF OUR WONDERFUL BALL!

Then we also walked round the fountain of wealth, splashing ourselves with the cold water, and i guess, secretly wishing in our hearts as we walked the 3 rounds. then we went on alan's adventure, which was to, go to a busstop, then wait for the 3rd bus and get on it, getting out at the 7th stop and walking for 11 mins. we cheated though, so we could end up nicely in a good place like orchard. HAHA. from orchard, we waited for jianghan who conveniently told us he was in THE CATHAY, when we were in orchard cine. hm wth! i was laughing so hard when i was talking on tianhoe's phone to him..i don't know why i found it so funny but yes, i just found it sooo darn hilarious, him being so swaku. then alan took over because i proved incapable of speaking coherently and he just shouted at jianghan for being a swaku ahahahhaha. but turns out, instead of wondering how he miraculously flew from cathay (at plaza sing) to our location in a matter of minutes after getting off the phone with him, he was actually at the basement of what he knows as, THE CATHAY ORCHARD CINELEISURE. Yes, very good loh jianghan.

but in the end, we decided to walk down all the way from orchard to plaza sing, and had dinner at ajisen ramen before finally going back to tampines. thanks to tian, jiang and val for staying with me as i waited for my mum after everyone went home already! heard you all had a nice prata suppper..am jealous!! =P

well, lovely memories of today. i totally loved the company i had and i'm already being greedy and thinking of meeting up with everyone again soon. (even though planning and contacting is mafan and fail AHHA) what to do, i love you guys too much. :D (may we always continue meeting even when we're 80+years old!!!)

thanks for the wonderful day mei, mich c, mich t, jieying, amanda, chian, val, viv, tian, sheng, alan, jiang. <3

for a while, the hole was mended and filled. slowly, you are becoming just a friend. i hope it'll be better like that...maybe. am i ready to just take it at that?

i can't believe this. how could you all just what, forget about us? forget that you have another class? i was so hurt, i don't even know why. i don't think others would feel the same way as me, they probably would just dismiss this with a wave of their hand, but i can't. i dont know why, though i wish i could, because clearly, you all aren't worth any time. how did u all become so close anyway, or why did so many of you go? even the 2 who weren't that into all that, why...is it just because of their looks, or what?! i thought we all had a bond, were close, and that someone was planning something. is it even going to materialize? or are u already satisfied with what you have, conveniently placing us away. wth. i shouldn't care, i shouldn't feel hurt, i dont even think i should even feel all of this because whats wrong with a freaking outing, but i AM. i'm so hurt and sad and i'm angry myself for even bothering. clearly, our bond is not strong enough, and clearly, noone feels it as much as i do. so saying, i was so shocked to have learnt about that. they aren't even in the same class as you! you all are separate! on separate places and ends and all! i am shocked and hurt, and i hope you all haven't forgotten us or our bond. please, even though i feel angry with you all, i still love you all and the class. (BTW THIS IS NOOOOT NOT NOT NOT about my pri sch people. )

sigh, why is it that even though i try so hard, i feel like i'm losing. i'm losing all the people that matter to me, seeing them lead different lives, seeing them have their own band, leaving me out. it feels like a piece of cloth, which has become frayed in so many places, and the threads are just barely holding each other in place anymore. i dont want to lose anyone please. T.T this hurts so much. hurt hurt hurt :( i'm trying, trying very hard, okay?

and no matter how i try, try to forget or get over, i CAN'T. WHY WHY WHY. NOOO. i want to, i need to, i have to. disappear from my life NOW! the worse thing is, you dont know, you dont know how its making me feel, you dont know anything, how i watch it closely and all..how much i miss you. because i really do, so much so much so much and even i can't believe it. i ask myself, whats so special? is there really something so special? and deep inside, i know the answer is no, but then somewhere else, yes resonates. so...what? you dont deserve this, nor do i.but i just can't stop! how?! i want to curse you, hate you for doing this, though i guess its really not your fault at all. but worse, you dont even seem to care, never even talking and probably never even thinking or caring A SINGLE BIT. how could you? even AS A FRIEND. didn't we share that huh, weren't we close, it might have been once upon a time, so looong ago (and i'm sad i didnt grab it, cherish it more), and i think we were both scared of doing anything. HAHA. i really think there was, that perhaps you did want and care like i did. so did it just blow over? blow over you, like normal leaves that are ruffled in the wind. and so now, am i nothing at all to you? nothing?! you're my friend ok, and i care. i wish i get some, even a bit, of reciprocation. and even though you dont give me that simple thing, i still continue, hoping for the impossible, that maybe that sound comes from YOU. which obviously will never ever be. do u even remember i exist in your life. i'm so hurt by you. just something, no matter how little, would be nice. if not, i really needa forget and get over. but i know its not so simple. i can't.

hurt, sad, hurt, sad, that's all i'm feeling right now. (now that i've let it out, i dont really care about the first thing anymore, because the only consolation i get is that you werent part of it.) i still wish for a miracle. been praying so hard, but why is it unanswered. please at least show u haven't forgotten.

Feeling slightly happier now, because of a specific reason. :D
I still wish for more though, duh, because this doesn't feel like much. Sigh, when can I see and hear the real thing.
Watched A Christmas Carol today with Andrea, Kristen Tan and Sam! =) It was quite scary though! Many surprises and shocks here and there, especially when the ghosts come out and their hand gestures and all.

AFA TOMORROW! Excited! =D

I was excited to be able to go somewhere with my bro, because he's also setting off early in the morning to go to jurong point, and maybe have breakfast with him. It's fun being with my bro cos usually i always don't get to spend time with him and I do miss him. But he was being all Mr Sunshine-y on me. =.= He was just grunting and snuffling when I talked to him (rather enthusiastically). WLAO What is your problem. thanks a lot for always treating me like that when i genuinely miss you and want to spend some time with you! stupid.

sighhhh miss you so much, hope i can see you soon and talk to you soon. miss you miss you miss you! aaah! feel like killing you one day.

PRESENTING, TAKAHATA MISAKI! (he's 16 too LOL)

MISAKI IN SCRAP TEACHER! =D (he was a bad boy though HAHAH)

He was in BI Shadow, some teenage jap pop group, but he quit. T.T (I'm sure you can pick out who he is even though this pic contains 3 guys right? Since there're so many pics of him above.. =P)


SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST! I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS PIC OF THEM. OF COURSE, I ESPECIALLY LOVE MISAKI! He looks SOOO COOL in the specs!

(ok sigh I don't want to fan girl...I'm not obsessed with him. I just like him quite a lot that's all LOL) <3

dramas

Watched momo love episode 5 today, and finished watching scrap teacher!

I don't think I really like watching romantic dramas, because they make us all swoon and lust over this perfect, unattainable guy; a guy that is (very most likely) NOT going to ever appear in real life. The things that these perfect guys do in dramas are probably not going to happen in real life, so they just make me feel more disappointed, and makes me have this warped view of love and relationships. HAHA. But I know many people still love watching dramas, and well yeah, I guess I do too, seeing how the drama unfolds and envying the lead girls who get all their wonderful guys. (Actually I guess I don't like seeing this...)

But I feel that dramas always have expected endings =( The endings should have more surprise! OKAY. I know I don't watch that many dramas, but then, somehow, of all the dramas I know and have watched, the endings are all expected. ZZZ. Like BOF, man how i wished that Jan Di could be with JiHoo, but NOO. As usual, (what else do you expect), she ends up with Jun Pyo, the guy who buys her over with his pots of money and steals her away when Ji Hoo went away. COME ON. Even if the DIRECTOR'S INTENTION was to please the audience, I'm sure people won't mind if you just gave a twist to the ending and let the poor, lonely Ji Hoo have Jan Di. After all, I think he's done much more for her, and understands her better. And for goong, i didn't watch it (and I can't bring myself to continue past the first episode even though I've tried twice), but duhh I know who the girl's gonna end up with. For You're Beautiful, (the anime Andrea's pestering me to watch and the one Chiong's starting now), aiya, I just watch some MVs, and I already know who's gonna end up with the girl. I mean, if you already know who's going to end up with who, why still watch. The ending's not going to change and I'm just going to feel super mad and frustrated with the director and the characters HAHAHA. After a while, you're just watching the trials and tribulations and the problems that these 2 characters go through just to be with each other. Throw in ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends and third parties, parental disapproval, dream chasing, moving away, sudden change of heart...that about makes up all the problems. But you know that, in the end, they will still be together no matter what. HMM. Like that would really happen in real life.

HAHA OKAY SORRY. I know I sound like I'm totally slamming dramas, but this is just how I feel. Its ok, dramas are still very very nice! I shall grit my teeth and continue on with momo love simply because I like the character of HUANG YUYI, played by our dear SINGAPOREAN HUANG JING LUN. He is hilarious and I really enjoy watching his antics. Also partly for Jiro Wang...but not really la. Sigh. I already know tao hua's gonna end up with him.. zzz. And at the beginning of the drama, in the first ep, how did tao hua get to know shi lang (jiro's character), you ask? Well, she and her friend spied this guy's back, and said he was a handsome guy. Then, suuuch a coincidence, this handsome guy (shi lang DUH), and tao hua get off at the same busstop, and it was raining. And tao hua didn't have an umbrella. And well, what do you know, shi lang gives her his umbrella! Sacrificing himself and running back out in the rain with just his hoodie. AWWW. Well, that makes you lust and swoon doesn't it. I have to keep reminding myself this will NOT happen in real life. Please, will a guy seriously just pass an umbrella to a complete stranger? He probably would only if the girl was really pretty and he wanted to get to know her or something. OKAY. It MIGHT happen, but what are the chances? Our life is NOT a drama. Well, I guess that's why dramas are created then, to transport us to this different world, where we can imagine, swoon, lust, go crazy over pretty boys...sigh.

(let me continue on a bit more...and what a COINCIDENCE, shi lang turns out to be tao hua's brother's friend from a long time ago. WOW. huhhhh. is there such a coincidence in real life? HAHAHA.)

Ok, at least in momo love, shi lang didn't immediately fall for tao hua. at least that makes it a bit more bearable. =P

Alright, I don't want to make anymore drama lovers angry at me. This is just how I feel. :) So saying, I liked scrap teacher quite a lot. Though there wasn't any romance in it and the endings and story line weren't predictable and zzz.

And, I have suddenly taken a huge liking to TAKAHATA MISAKI. (oops, see how dramas make you crazy over pretty boys? SIGH I don't like this)

At first look, he's not thaaat good looking, but after a while, like Joy says, he kinds of grows on you, and man, he IS COOL AND GOOD LOOKING! So, I've saved a few photos of him (all taken from the net, thanks to the people who put them up! these photos are NOT MINE), and i shall put them up here so everyone can also savour his wonderfulness WHOO!

SHALL PUT THE PICS IN ANOTHER POST!

there's one more thing i need to make my joy and freedom from after o's complete. really, i feel this hole and emptiness in me. i can't believe people can actually feel like that. still feel so miserable, and even though i have absolutely heavenly friends whom i love so much, they can't replace you nor can they patch up this hole. i wish i could just forget or stop; this is so pathetic, but i don't know why, i just can't. i pray about it even; this is impossible, it seems wrong to be praying about such things. one day i'm going to kill you for making me like this. one day i'm going to tell you everything too. i'm eagerly waiting for that chance.

pre prom to dos!

Pre Prom is stressful! I've got a whole list of to-dos right now, before I head down to Orchard to do up myself. I shall post my to-dos here cos I need to see a list so that I can mentally check off what I've done and what I have to do, and I don't know why i'm posting it up on my blog but I just feel like it. :)

1. Iron my dress! Aaah dreading this because everytime I iron, I always feel as though the piece of clothing still doesn't look good enough. At least I shifted the ironing board out into the living room, where its cooler and I can listen to my music on my laptop AHHAHAHA.

2. Pack my dress into those suit casings. But prior to that, must wipe the casing first. Then hang up the dress and try my best NOT TO GET IT CRUMPLED.

3. Put on some gel thingy at the back of my shoes.

4. Pack my prom stuff, without forgetting anything.

5. Shower.

6. Will probably take a cab down to orchard since it'll be so funny to carry around my dress and shoes and all that in an mrt and bus. Besides, I'm trying my best not to get sweaty.

trying to crack my brains very hard on wondering how to not get my dress crumpled and how to not get sweaty. HAHAHA. sighh. I really really hope my dress doesn't get crumpled and I really really hope I can survive the night in my shoes cos my calves have been aching very badly since sunday. =(

okay I probably should get down to my ironing now. I take very long to iron, fussing over many minute details. arghhh.

miss you

i miss you so much,
i wish i could see you,
i wish i could see your smile,
i wish i could hear your voice,
i wish i could talk to you properly,
i wish you were here.
i thought maybe, if you were gone, it'd fade away. but, seems like it only intensified and grew. gosh i miss you so very much.

VALERIE KHOO, VANESSA KHOO, I MISS YOU TWO SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH TOO! I'm utterly sad you 2 can't be here to celebrate our happiness! Gosh can't wait to see you all soooon! I MISS YOU 2 LOVIES!

so many people close to me seem to be leaving, or have already left. this is the pain of growing up, and having to learn to let go.

last one!

It's the last one today!

Sigh if only you were someone else. eeeek.
And I'm really still hoping hard and praying hard i get that ONE THING, last one for the YEAR and i've hardly gotten it wlao.its like some big miracle if that happens. (though it feels so impossible... :( ) so i hope that a huge miracle'll happen tonight HAHAHA.

must get everyone's numbers!
All the best for today AAAAH!

2 more

2 more sessions with Raymond at suntec. After that, I wonder if i'll ever see you, and all of them again. This hurts my heart, and brings me a feeling which is empty, heavy and utterly sad. i don't know how I'll deal with not seeing you anymore; how that bright light at the end of my week will just die out. OHMY. You really have no idea.

The last 2, the very last 2. I just wish that, you won't be so far. I wish so hard and bad, because its only 2 more, then, .... I have no idea. It's going to be hard letting go. Can't believe I've held on for so long. I bet my brother won't believe it. Even I can't believe it myself!

My nights next week are going to be so lonely.

2 more, 2 more! That's such a small number! We all took class photos today... i am feeling sooo nostalgic and sentimental.
2 more. That's also only if you do come anyway, the unpredictable, evasive you. I feel like telling you everything, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

i pray and wish sooo hard, please please please. just once please, please give me that! I haven't been so demanding have i? PLEASE. anyway, I'm going to make sure i get that. that one, I WILL. this one, i pray and wish. PLEASE AAAH!

aw kl all the best ok! haha i want to watch you bowl one day.

Raymond: "All the best guys, bye, miss you. Update me with your life!" AW <3

tag replies MRS NAKAJIMA, CHIONG AND MEIII!

MRS NAKAJIMA: OOOI YOU. HOW DARE U HAVE A WEDDING AND BECOME MMRSS NAKAJIMA WITHOUT INVITING ME AH! make me lose my chance to see yamada man POOT.hahaha. Come back soon from Japan and visit my blog and tag! YAY THANKS!

CHIONG: heee. thankeee for always visiting! you jia you and dont be so pissed too! my anger always passes la, not alarming or whatever. =D

MEI!: HELLOOO DEAR MEI! YAY YOU STILL COME TO MY BLOG! COME OFTEN OK! HAHAHA MISSSS YOU MOOORE! After o's must go out with me ok! <3

you'll never know

After today,
you'll probably,

Never know how I felt,
Never know how much I thought and thought,
Never know what I said to others, going on and on,
Never know what it meant to see you,
Never know what that brilliant smile meant to me and my week ahead,
Never know how (so, very extremely) happy I felt,
Never know anything other than everything at the surface.

Will you just walk out of my life like you entered it? Probably. Most likely. I didn't even get that one chance I longed and yearned for so badly. Its not even anything bad. Why weren't my prayers answered on this one?
So, its probably just going to end here. Like this. Normally. Pity. Because I knew we could've been so much more, better and closer friends too.
Shucks, I still can't let you go yet. I can't believe you'll just leave my life like that. I want to try to catch you, but I know I never can nor never will.

There's so much you'll never know.

last time as a class

Today (since its past 12am OOPS) is going to be the last time I'll ever be having Raymonds as a class, with all my fellow Raymonds classmates together. Wow. Time really really flies. I can't believe that after today, we'll all go our separate ways, maybe never seeing each other again. Man, that hurts my heart, thinking how we might never see one another ever again. We've really come so far together. From that time I joined in November last year, our journey has been a real fun and enjoyable one.
I can still remember how scared I was, when I first joined. I never wanted to look anyone in the eye, and the class was quiet as a tomb. Noone spoke to anyone, and it was just so dead and horrible.
But then, slowly, everyone started to open up and talk to each other. As I said, it was the familiarity that sunk in, which reached out to all of us, and maybe, the journey we had to go on together.
Now, we've finally reached that point, the exit path. After tomorrow, i'm really really going to miss everything, I'm going to miss it so much so much, my heart's really aching. I can't believe I could feel so attached to a tuition class.
I can't say why I love everyone so much, but I'm so glad I got this chance to take this road, and meet all this people, and be a part of something so nice. Somehow, math seems so much more bearable that I know we're all in this together.
The tests early in the morning, at 8am, they're finally over and done with. Hah, who could forget, the very first time we came for the test, Ivan appeared like a drunkard, collapsing and staggering against the door, gasping "Who in the world wakes up at 8am for test in tuition!?" LOL.
The PRESENTATIONS. woah, where Raymond loved making fun of us. Even though these were trying and embarrassing and nervous times, I miss them lots too. We always laughed a lot at the poor presenter's demise. HEHHEHHEH.

The CLASS, and my CLASSMATES, my dear people (and of course raymond, though I'll still see him hahahaha), i'm going to miss hanging around with them, sitting in class and listening to them banter with Raymond and of course, the childish antics from the boys. HM.

I don't know why I feel so sentimental. I wonder if anyone else feels this much emotions about a simple tuition class. But still, I know how much I want today's 3 hour session to last forever and ever. 3 hour's probably too short. :(
Man, I'm already missing you guys. I'll make sure I treasure every minute, second, milli second, micro second today.
Love you all.

golden haired perfection

I'd choose the golden haired, angelic, perfect looking french.
I'd reach across that expanse (which is nothingness) to take that outstretched hand.
I'd never have to see the hurt in your eyes or feel my heart breaking because yours did too.
I wish you could just take me away.



if only it weren't a dream; my golden haired, angelic perfection.

wrinkled up

I'm so wrinkled up, dry and crumbly.
Inside its hollow,
Nothing beats anymore.
There's no more hope,
I don't want to imagine,
I'm falling out,
I'm tired of waiting and being passive.
I wish you'd start it first, please.

I only ask for once. Only once. (But if I do get one, I'll want more...and is that wrong? That's natural for man right, being greedy, grabbing more chances when we should be thankful for the only one we managed to get.)
But I haven't even got this one. I desperately want this one. i'm trying to save, push, move everything aside just in hope of this one. O N E. is all I need and want. at least 1.
I've prayed so hard about it, did You hear me? i'll pray harder then. You have no idea how much I want it, please let it come true.

I want to run away. I don't want to go near them. One only harps on things which I find so trivial and anal, sometimes I even feel he talks to me about them on purpose with the aim of irritating me. Do I not make it plain to see that i DO NOT want to talk about topics like that? Doing things which you tell others not to, not doing things you preach, what kind of example are you setting?! I'd like to stomp on that inflated head of yours someday.
And you, why is it when i want to talk to you, that you have nothing to say and don't even bother responding sometimes?! i should just NOT EVER talk to you, since you don't even bother responding. do u know how I hate it when people don't respond? I absolutely hate it. And when you miraculously feel like talking, you nag so terribly about things which you have said countless of times, and about things which just make me feel even more inadequate and angry. Thanks a lot.

Some people are making me so annoyed and pissed. Back off, I don't want to talk to you.

Tuition

Today, tuition was entertaining. HAHA so many weird topics raymond lapsed into...and with khatib and the boys egging him on, it got soo funny man. I love my math tuition! I am so going to miss it when o's are over. Already, our last saturday session, with test, is this week. So fast! Our journey together's gonna be over soon. I'm glad I got to join it though, and even though its at the Bras Basah side, which is far from my beloved cousins, i'm still so glad everything worked out properly and that our class is so...interesting. =D

The boys were being childish today, throwing little bits of eraser around. =.= HOW STUPID IS THAT?! 16 years old...yes, 16 and still throwing eraser at others.
It was so lame Rachael and I were laughing like crazy behind. We sit right at the back with all the guys...ahhaha, can witness them doing all their stupid, silly, childish antics. I'm going to miss all this. :(
Raymond's passionately teaching us, facing the front and explaining..and i DO LISTEN OK. I listen to his explanations and all, but I find it so hilarious that behind his back little bits of white eraser pieces go flying around the room =.=, and he doesn't suspect a thing. Then when he turns to look at us and the guys, ahhahaha, I just nearly want to explode with laughter. The guys just sit there as if they're so innocent.

Some quotes from today (will be slightly edited, also because I can't really remember)

Raymond: "For the girls, must starve and not eat anything. For the guys...the problem's mainly the tummy." (haha, on looking good)

(when the topic deviated to fanciful drinks like wine and...jolly shandy?! and beer and all..)
Khatib: "No la, I don't drink any of those, I like drinking MILO."
HAHAHAHAHAA!

I love my tuition class so much! =D

found it!

I finally found it, while I was pedalling furiously on a piece of machinery, no less, watching the repeat telecast of Singapore Idol.
Yup, finally found it when Duane Ho (who i am supporting because he's the same age as us..and is he taking o's this year too? I think so man! ALL THE BEST! May your Idol journey be really really worth it!) sang the song...

It's 當你 by 王心凌

當你的眼睛 瞇著 笑
當 你喝可 樂當你吵
我想對你好　你 從 來不知 道
想 你想你　也 能成為嗜好

當 你說 今 天的煩 惱
我想 對你說　卻 害 怕 都 說 錯
好 喜 歡 你　知不 知 道

YAY! HAHAHA. At last! :) For those who even bother reading the chinese words, they're in fan ti zi, but its okay, I think you'll still be able to recognise the words.
Hm it really does reflect on it, yay I finally managed to pin it down and find it! whooo.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA JEAN!!

EMMA JEAN MY DEAREST COUSIN,

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Love you so much! :)
I'm so sorry I couldnt make it on Saturday. You have no idea how sad I felt about not being able to go. (so many sacrifices, they really make me feel miserable...so so miserable.)
After O's ok! Definitely definitely definitely! And we'll make this Christmas a blast!
See you soon! May you always be happy! God bless! <3

emotionless

At times i just feel emotionless, feeling this big emptiness inside me, just feeling completely nothing at all, wanting nothing at all, seemingly seeing nothing at all, with just images of what I'm currently doing absently flashing by.

An emotionless state.
No space, no time, no energy to be thinking about you..no feelings at all. But I don't want it to go away.
A complete hole, not even wanting food! (can you believe that!)

Don't know if they'll ever see this, but 2 people have made me extremely glad and touched. These 2 people are

LEE MEI YING
LIM JOYANN

2 of my primary school besties. :)
They each contacted me on their own accord, wishing me luck and just sending me nice wishes.
I'm so glad that there're people out there who still care and remember.
Thank you so much you 2. Love you and miss you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIONG!

CHIONG MY DEAR DARLING,

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND DON'T FOR A MOMENT THINK THAT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DAY!
Yeah I know its late but still, thanks so much for being one of my bestest friends and i hope all your days will be happy. Thanks for all you've ever done for me, which is A LOT, and I'm always here for you.
:) love you lots!

when i felt so troubled, so pressed from all corners, i immediately wished for you, wished you were with me, even if its just looking at you poring over your work, i don't mind. i knew i just wanted you here with me, right at that moment, because whenever i see you, i feel so much happier and lighter. i don't mind it, because i know you're going through the same thing as me. somehow, your presence makes everything seem better, less stressful, happy and go-lucky like you and that smile of yours.

aaah kory i wish you were home too.

It's back to school tomorrow. School's become a place I really don't want to go to anymore. Sometimes, i don't even want to face or look at all of them. I dont want to be associated with them, to think about them, to be anywhere near them. (but can I even do this on my own?! I HAVE TO NO MATTER WHAT, I MUST! MUST!)

Haha I like how Joy says (there was one day when she said this), at 8am in the morning (school officially starts at 7.25am anyway), "I just want to goo home and (sleep)...!", while staring at the clock listlessly. HAHA. It's only 8am, and on that day I think we only got to go home at 5pm because of mocks. But well, that's how I feel everyday and how we feel everyday anyway. Dragging and dreading school.

I appreciate what the teachers are doing and have done for us, really I do. I understand their efforts, and am truly grateful for having such dedicated and hardworking teachers. They really care about us and I'm really touched by this. It's been as hard for you as it has been for us, probably much harder on you all. So thank you so much to all my teachers. I can see the strain and stress on their faces too, and I know its not easy.

But I still dislike school now (very much so). heh. but I really do love the teachers still.

Anyway, there was one day we had double chem (from 1250-230 in the afternoon, which is like major sleepy time.), then ss remedial, then emath mock paper 1 (at least it was paper 1, not so bad!), and we only got to go home at 5.30pm. that is late ok, by the time I reached home, it was about 7 plus already. I'm not complaining, just that we had to drag ourselves to survive that day =P
Thanks to HSJ (THANK YOU JOY CHEE FOR BRINGING YOUR LOVELY PHOTOS WHICH ARE DIRECT FROM JAPAN) photos (sadly, yes its only the photos), we managed to survive. haha can you believe it?! their photos help me get through the day. seriously. when i see their faces it always makes me smile. yay i hope chee brings some more tomorrow and everyday we have school. HSJ=SURVIVAL.
My gosh chee, look what you've done to me! Man but I'm not that overly obsessed and crazy over them. Actually I know why I suddenly seem to have taken an interest in them. Yeah I know why, so at least I know why. hm I might explain it after O's only though.

I'm disgusted at myself too. first for trusting you, and also for other reasons not related to this at all. i can't believe myself at times. what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing?! what has happened to me?! i wish someone would..no, i cannot wish for someone, because I know there is noone. only i can change this, solely myself. i have to do it on my own. i have to. how much do i want it? what can i do? please, please, i have to, i have to do this better, work harder. there are no excuses, none at all. i don't want to look back with regrets, and cry and say shoot i knew i could've done this better. no, that terrifies me, i don't ever want to end up in that state. but what terrifies me even more is what i am doing even now. do i even have any sense?! please wake up! i am sooo disgusted at myself.

He didn't take it as badly as i'd expected him to. thank you for that blessing. i can't believe i'm so stupid as to trust you. you, who never honour your word, don't seem to feel ashamed at it, and who thinks i'm always at your beck and call and always ready for cancellations. i don't need you, to be honest. if its not just to appease, i would've long kicked you out of my world and never bothered seeing your stupid face. you don't deserve any respect or any chance, because have you ever considered me? obviously not. i really wish i could trash you out, but i can't. i wish i could just leave you out from my world, but i can't. i wish he wouldn't be so big-headed and always think his way is right, so that you can just get lost. aren't you old and supposed to be mature? yeah right. as if you'll ever learn how to treat people better and realize that the whole world doesnt revolve around just you. i really hate your guts to bits and i wish so bad i don't ever need to see you again. even if to you, its just one person, it already reflects on you, and how badly you've been brought up, never taught to honour your promises? but i shall be the one in control, to not let how much you anger me show, that way, it shows that i'm the superior one, even if you think you are. i'm so disgusted at you.

Next time...

The time is limited, I don't have that many chances, I should seize whatever opportunities I have, because I don't know what's going to happen after November. Maybe I'll never be able to see you, in reality, ever again. Only a few more times left...I wish I had cherished all the other times I had with you, maybe go back in time, realize it earlier, do more things about it.

So is this the answer to my prayer? To numb it? But it hasn't stopped anyway, still think a lot about it; always at the back of my mind. Always, always. Just that today I was feeling beat. pffft. I should make use of opportunities more. I have so many things to say, ask, talk about, but I completely forgot about all of them. HA. Says something doesn't it. My mind was just so whirled up, I couldn't think of anything. Why do all the things that I want to say come to my head (and just about threaten to spill out) only after I see the back of yours? When I see you walking away, not knowing when I'll see you again, not knowing when I'll get another chance. So, I better grab every chance I have, fight desperately for it, because everything's going to fall apart very soon.


The only thing I'll be sad about when Os finally end will be that Raymond's will never be the same again. Our class will be fully revamped, people won't join anymore, others will come in, people will be replaced and timings changed...basically everything will change.
I still remember when I first joined, how lonely and nervous I felt. But its been about 10 months now. We've journeyed together as a class for that long. We've slowly become closer. Actually I really don't know how we became closer. It wasn't through much interaction, because how much interaction can u have during tuition?! I guess it was because of familiarity. Because we seem to see each other so often, we just became close. That's really nice, because now, 10 months after joining, i feel so glad coming for tuition. It's like being reunited with another family. We can all talk together now, both boys and girls together, and not feel awkward or strange. Boys even ask us if we want to go have lunch with them. I'm really glad for all of you, and I'm going to miss our class so much, and all the memories we've had together, even if its just tuition and inside a room with Raymond. hahaha. I love you all, thanks for going on this journey with me. We'll make this last lap together, and hopefully, after that, we can have some gathering of some sort.

i'm already missing you, even though its just been since today.

AIYA, I'm missing many people right now. :( Why does everyone leave?

Ok I gotta go to bed now, tomorrow, its back to studying like a lunatic.

By the way I want to quote Cheryl Tan, "Yeah why don't you move back to ..., then you won't be represented by Boomz shit".

HAHAHA I don't know why but I find this really funny, what she said and the way she said it, it was hilarious!
Night!

19 sept..

I'm not hoping, nor imagining. I won't look at that door tomorrow, because I simply won't be able to take it if it doesn't happen.

(where were you, I really wanted to talk to you and ask you something of utmost importance..)

So i'm not going to look, I'm not going to carry that hope when I go tomorrow. I might as well just be a dead thing, dying and wasting away on the inside.


I feel your pain, your dread...your sadness (?). I can't believe you could cry, I always saw you as someone who was just floating around in life, happy go lucky, not caring and taking everything in your stride. But cry? A big boy like you...You must be really really afraid.
I wish I could help you, comfort you, try to walk you through your task and this ordeal. But if you make it, you'll emerge really strong. I'll pray for you, and wish you all the best, and do keep safe.

I want to reach out to you, to tell you I care and understand and comfort you and maybe ease your fear, but I won't. We've drifted apart, and have never been really close anyway.
But you're family, and I'll always love you.

So, I love you, be strong and I'll always be supporting you.

don't

don't dream, don't imagine, don't wish, don't hope,

because,

that'll only lead to diappointment and heartbreak.