Resigned to having to study forever for 26 more weeks (as Raymond just reminded us yesterday...) That's just slightly more than 6 months. I really do want to give my all, and hopefully I'll be able to do it.
I keep wanting to blog, because so many things have been happening in my life, and I like putting things down into words. Although sometimes, you're so exhausted by your feelings and all that you just want to ignore everything, or that you become numb, and can't even feel anything anymore.

This morning, some of my cousins are going out for a late breakfast. I'm craving something hot. :( But I can't go. Sigh. Resigned. But I got to spend time with them on Saturday! For Tua Ee's birthday celebration. This past 2 years, it somehow seems that we grew closer, in feelings. To me, it seems like we realized we're family, and each time we get together nowadays, we always try to have as much fun, talk as much as we can, laugh and smile. It warms my heart that even though we're growing older, we can still have so much fun and happiness together. I'm so so so glad that I have my family with me, who will always be able to let me feel loved no matter what. I was so afraid that as we grew older, we might grow distant and further apart from one another. But I can't deny the fact that I don't talk to kkj as much now, and it makes me sad :( He used to tease me alot about Freddie Highmore last time, and all the celeb "bfs" that I had...we all used to play ice and water and video games together when we were younger. I remember running around the table in Em's woo mon chew house, playing ice and water and some twister video game. And how kkc brought us drain exploring and did all sorts of crazy things, and how we'd play crocodile (or whatever I can't remember the name of the game) in the pool at kallang swimming complex, where we all took lessons together and where Em always gave attitude to our swimming teacher HAHAHA. Sure, some things have definitely changed, and I miss those parts of our childhood, but to be able to feel so loved with them and by them, well, what can i say, I love my extended family to absolute bits as well, and wouldn't give up any time that I can spend with them.
This year we went to catch the LION KING musical together. It was FANTASTIC. The show was amazing and up til now, I'm still dreaming about the utopian forest. The props and scenes were stunning. And even though its all humans and human creation, they could portray the jungle and the animals so well. I remember the people who came out with the grass on their heads, swaying their bodies like how grass and weeds sway in the wind. It was beautiful. Some of their heads must have felt so heavy, but wow, they managed to do it! And the musical just rekindled my love for disney and all its music. The baboon was hilarious and I loved Scar's sacarstic and dry humour. The little boy playing Simba was soooo tiny and cute! Reminded me so much of Christian, who was also watching it with us that day. hahaha! There was one part where the boy had to run out and he ran out by the aisle of the seats at my side!!!!! so tiny and cute! :D Anyway, don't miss the Lion King! I would TOTALLY watch it again if it were possible :P Tickets, anyone?? :D
I remember playing badminton with Emma, Amanda, Mel, Marcus and Josh sometime in March too, the week after block test 1. I had such an enjoyable time with them, and a very good workout too! And found out that the SIA sports club had actual airplane seats in their pub, and I also realized WHY after a while...do you all know WHY?? :P And I remember going to Evan's house too, although I went really late. And we played blind mice, and retarded Marcus's comment before we started..."nooooo can we not play it, I have many friends in Tampines!" (because apparently, he's old and mature and cannot play blind mice with us LOL)
And mel, em and I also made a trip down to Wild Wild Wet after my chem blocks! :D Spent so much time lazing around in the shiok river, and stupid mel was evading and trying to hide AHEM...LOL. But everything was for naught anyway. I'm just looking forward to the next time I'm gonna be spending with them :)
on a side note, Marcus is going into the army on Wed. Best of luck for these 2 years! Hope you'll get all the postings and everything that you want. :) I'm sure you can do it and conquer these 2 years! And may you make lots of wonderful friendships. Please come back and share funny stories with me...I love hearing funny stories from army. And that's why I kinda miss my brother being in the army, and hearing funny stories about Leftanant Teo. And my brother looking good and fit. HAHA. LOL Marcus already kinda shaved his hair and I thought he had already enlisted! Well, do know that I'm always supporting you cousin! :D

...because i always feel kinda sentimental like that when my close guy friends/family enter the army...it's like their on their way to growing up and embarking on a different journey which leaves me (and their family and everyone else they have known) behind, and where they venture out on their own.

So even as we lose people along the way in our lives, and feel the hurt, sadness, anger and pain, we must remember those who love us. Maybe it was this all that made me remember who I still have, and who I will always have. It made me more aware of who are the important people in my life, and who is worth cherishing and loving. Who will always stand and stay by me no matter what.
Thanks to my SC and Primary school friends who make up part of that group above, Christy and my darling MCS CCA friends. and some (pretty surprising) friends too, who bother enough...Karthik. :)
I'm thankful I have all these people in my life. Really. Who keep me sane and who help me keep going in life. I love you all.

alright. I have so much else to blog about, but for now I think I need to go and study first. SPA on wed!!! arhhh! Hopefully it'll be my LAST EVER. (exam oriented one), just like I completed my LAST EVER timed 2.4km run this year!!!! WHOOO!
OKAY.BACK DOWN TO REALITY.STUDY.
B.Y.E

Haven't been in a good mood today.
I don't want to go for raymonds.


not without you.


he's going to kill me, i havent done his work.
i'm in a bad mood.
my phone's not working.
bad mood bad mood bad mood!!!

And so, its the third week of school, and its the midweek!!! I feel like I'm just counting down to the end of each week, and the end of each DAY (when I'm in school) every week. How will i be able to last if I'm already counting down at the beginning of the year?? sighs. school, work, a levels and everything that's waiting in my life right now just fills me with dread. NOT a good sign nor a good start. Tomorrow the new cohort is coming in...oh well, I highly doubt it'll make much of a difference to us. I do remember getting the sms of my posting last year though. Brings back memories, hmm...not very pleasant probably? But, it was the start of my journey leaving you behind a closed door.

"So, Hwa Chong huh?", you asked, leaning against the pillar, looking at me and raising you eyebrows, something like amusement and slight awe on your face, then a hardening of your features...thinking, perhaps?
"Yeah......"


"So how's it?"...... "You would've been happier there..."

Today I showed R my favourite first 30 seconds from the Big Bang Tell Me Goodbye MV, which features a very very hot GD! :D haha! Can't say it invoked much response from him...but I guess the silence must be because he was too awed and became speechless right? And cx says I am subjective in my views because of how I feel towards GD and he says I am totally biased toward them HAHAHA :D Nah, I'm not that crazy that I think everything they do is God-like or something. But I guess I just like their style. I do know that GD is not exactly handsome, with perfect features and all, but he is really the epitome of COOL AND STYLISH. I like how he can carry off almost (all) styles and whatever wacky crazy clothing he has, and is also daring in experimenting. His ability to compose songs is also what makes me respect him, as well as how he seems to be so at ease and comfortable at being on stage and performing. His photos and poses are always varied and picture perfect. He also doesn't outwardly and openly command attention and grab all the limelight, but takes a humble stance and doesn't mind if he is pushed behind. He has a seriously CUTE side to him as well, childish, yet also a really sexy, mature, hip-hoppy and bad-boy kinda image. OKAY. All fans will say such things, and you probably think I'm still being biased, but I guess this is why I like him so much. And he really deserves our respect. In fact, I am amazed at Korean's booming and well-known pop culture and industry. Even though it has been hampered by the "slave contracts" incidences, it has really made an impact on the whole world, or at least, made its presence FELT.
The stars go through a lot to make it that big, and I truly respect them for going through all that to come up to where they are.

I can listen to big bang songs over and over and over again, and never get tired of them. Is it just because my ears especially love those songs, or is it because of the way the songs are composed? HAHA. I find myself closely analyzing and listening to big bang songs more carefully when I hear them now. I try and figure out who is singing which part, and what little effects the song has. I loved Seungri's solo songs, So what do you want me to do and VVIP, so much! They get me high and happy everytime. I can't wait for bb's new album, hopefully then there'll be more songs which can get me happy and high. :) I REALLY HOPE to see DANCING in their new album too, oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ARGH CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR ALBUM! :D

Alright, enough writing a post which probably 1295125 other people in the world are also writing about and have the same opinions and comments about.
Recently, I've also fallen in love with "PERFECT"- done by JCO (I think he did a cover for this song which was originally Jason Derulo's song), AND "NEVER KNEW I NEEDED" by NEYO. The second song, I knew about, but only recently have I been ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE LYRICS, and realizing that, HEY, THAT'S MY LIFE.

SWIM TEST TMR FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. We won't get to see the J1s stepping into the school officially! :( DARN.
Well, its just another day in school, and its running Monday's timetable so there will be econs tutorial. Let's all say: ARGH. sighs.
Alright, cheer up, its THURSDAY. AND CNY IS C O M I N G SO VERY VERY SOON!!!

that hole...

Today I went there for Chem. The door was locked, so I did the usual, going down those steps and then coming to that big open space. And I could see you, picture you right there, playing and having fun with the rest of the guys that day when raymond was late, and we were all waiting for him.
Then I go and stand at the area in the big open space where u can look down all the way to the first floor. There're 2 of those (hmmm lets call it...) "viewing bays" there. And I see you walking to the lifts from one of them, and from the other, walking away, back home, with sm beside me once. and she laughed at you, saying the way you walked far away from the others was cool.
After a while, I go back up to the flat to see if its been unlocked. There, I see you arriving, walking down the stairs to the flat, surprise written on your face when you see the crowd of people gathered outside waiting. You leaning over the staircase railing, close to me (not intentionally of course), and i see your long eyelashes...and remember the swift physical closeness...of course.
When I enter the flat, I see the little cosy room where we used to gather and sit. The aeroplane styled arrangement of the seats during the morning tests...
When I enter the room, the familiar smell hits me, bringing me back once again. I vision the classroom with everyone. If I'm sitting in front, I am painfully aware of how I once turned around from that spot, and got to know you, and how, before that, I sat next to you in front. That was when I leaned away from you in fright, not knowing you, and you, leaning away from me as well, never looking my way or talking to me at all.
I vision you at the back too, at your usual place. Sometimes that made it hard to see you during class.

And all this makes me realize, I have a hole left in me, after all this ended. A hole which can really never be patched up, a hole which I can never get over and fill. Never ever. The time will never come again, the kind of people will never be the same again, and never will I be in that situation with someone like you, and who is that important to me. And so, its something I've lost, and with it, lost abit of myself too. Something which will stay empty in me forever.
Sometimes, I think that these memories are so far away. And they are, too. Some happened 2 years ago. T W O YEARS AGO. TWO. This makes it even seem like they might not have happened. The time spent and the memories created, sometimes seem so short, swift and not lasting that it feels like they have been caught in the wind and immediately taken far far away. It seems like something not tangible, and indeed it is not, for it is only a part of my memory. Images I can only see from my mind.
But then, at times, ESPECIALLY when I am back there, everything comes back to life again. I vision everything as it were before, and the hole inside me grows bigger. Then, those memories seem so real, so tangible, and I can almost really see everyone there again, seeing all your expressions, remembering your smiles and words and actions.

I thought with so much time having passed by, it would numb all these. But, yes, I can never get over.
It really was the best time of my life. You guys were perfect, and we were a perfect combination with raymond. it was the best class, and the feeling i got when i went was the best feeling ever. it was the best, being able to have you there too.
I can't do this anymore.
It's only been the first 3 days of school. But, I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is exactly, but, I just know, I can't take this hole, this feeling.
missu.LOTS.

i don't cry on the outside, but inside, my heart weeps. buckets and buckets of silent tears. it feels sad alright.

2011

It's a new year, and time for the new year talk! haha!
mmmm, 2011 huh.
well, 2010 has been...a year, with a whole lot of different experiences. Its a year in which so many different things happened, and a year in which my whole world seemed to turn upside down and change completely, that I can't believe just a year has passed by. However, it also seems that the year has passed by so quickly, and my secondary 4 days seem to have been just over only yesterday.
2010 was a hard year emotionally. Work-wise, of course. A level stuff is SO DIFFERENT from o level stuff that I really have no confidence at all when taking whatever tests, exams, assignments and quizzes. AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. Yes, have confidence and all...but I really don't. Chem, the science which I used to be best at, is now my worst subject in my whole life history. I have never passed a single test/quiz/exam/assignment. never. And the geog content is so deep and hard to remember, I studied rocks for an entire day for promos and nothing went in. NOTHING. Okay, I probably am studying the wrong way and too last minute...but, I don't know how to make it go in and STICK IN. Tell me how to have confidence. sigh.

Well ok besides the work, I met many new and interesting people in 2010. And I am thankful for meeting every single one of them, for they are all special to me. I hope that I'll be able to form even stronger and closer bonds with them in 2011, and make even more new friends.
And of course, my precious scgs friends. I hope our bonds will last forever and ever and EVER. To those who stayed constant in my life, helping me up, encouraging me, bothering to keep our friendships strong, thank you so much. My bestest and closest and strongest friendships were probably formed in secondary school. I love you guys so much and I won't ever want to drift apart from you all EVER. I really couldn't have gotten past 2010 without you all, and 2011 will be much more manageable with you all here with me.
Thank you so much Chee, Chiong, Sam, Jenn, Nat, CherylF, Yani, Val, Van, Joce, Andrea, Steph.
Thank you Christy too, for staying constant in my life and for never letting go.
Thank you Yenmy, Cheryl Sir, Charis, XinLin, Azilah, for being such a wonderful and lovely presence in my JC life, and for caring for me.
Thank you to my obliging PW mates, and for sticking it out the whole year together, never complaining and always staying positive.
Thank you to my ever AWESOME PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS who also never fail to let me have a marvelous time when I'm with you all, and for always being obliging to gatherings, no matter what we do. And for cherishing our friendships from our childhood too. I love you guys so much!
Thank you to my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I hope we'll still be able to have fun together like always, and keep our bonds strong, even as we grow older and do our own things.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me and being with me through the year.
Thank you everyone, for being with me throughout the year, and for tolerating all the rubbish from me.
Also, I want to thank you, for putting in that effort too, to stay constant in my life. If I were to lose you, my heart would really break into a thousand million pieces. Being as we are now, is better than you fading away completely. So, thank you, thank you for bothering to remember me. I hope we'll be able to keep our friendship for years and years to come. I just hope you'll be more open and forthcoming though, haha.

I've lost some things which are very dear to me in 2010. And I know my head still seems to be stuck in 2009, when I was in scgs, when I met you, saw you...and everything else. I can't erase those memories, I can't try to stop wishing that those times were back, I can't stop wanting to cry everytime I think about them, I can't stop yearning, but I can take these memories forward with me, and use them to try and bring me through 2011. I will try to not continue sticking my head in 2009, but just remember that these are memories which are something to be happy about. Of course, I think they will still have the potential to break me, but I will try very hard, for a year has passed already, and I think my insides have gotten used to the loss, and the fact that I have no other option other than keeping it as a dear, fond memory.
2010 was an interesting year, but not the best of years, as you said. Very true.
I really want to know how you felt about everything these last 2 years (:O wow! these last 2 years...wow we really are getting older and time is really moving on, but it really is these last 2 years!). Truly. 2010 was hard emotionally for me, mostly because of you. 2011 will be the similar in this part, but I know the Lord will bless me and keep me strong. Thank you for answering my frantic prayers that night.

So happy 2011 everybody! May the new year be a blessed one for all of you, filled with nothing but happiness. And let us all work hard and conquer A's!

It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.

Okay I shall try to make this pretty snappy. I've got piles and piles of holiday work which i havent even touched. But I still REALLLY don't even want to go near it. sigh. really dreading it and I'm really having to forcibly drag myself to pull through that whole stack. And thats not counting revision and tests which will greet us on the first day of school. How nice. Oh well I guess this is all my Christmas presents.

Yesterday I had a great time at em's place. Dinner was awesomeee!!! Just like the christmas eve dinner at tua ee's place. Christmas food is always so delicious. The turkey, which i only ever eat during Christmas, was tender and the stuffings and sauces for it made it even more tasty! Chestnut stuffing at ah peng ee's place really tasted gooood! :D And then there's the ham, the baked cauliflower and meatballs, beef, curry, mushroom soup, lobster bisque, baguette...YUM YUM YUM!! :D

And I finally met up with most of my cousins. On Christmas eve Mel and I were just squealing and fangirling. MUAHAHA. I've influenced her to like GD, GOOD GOOD GOOD! :D but sorry, he still belongs to me ONLY. You may only look from afar, got that? :P And I had a nice talk with Darren too! And on Christmas day, it was isketch and cards all the way! So fun ehh cousins! :D hahaha! I remember when we were younger and we would always run around and play, and play so many card games until late at night. We often played blind mice too. Its getting harder to go wild and be playful as we get older. Funny how we don't find all these games as appealing as before. But nevertheless, I still had a really really wonderful time with them! Loser drinks a very tasty drink and winnder shuffles the cards! ;)

Last night though, i was really feeling not at peace. Inside, i was screaming. I need to, I want to, I have to....know and talk to you! Anxious, nervous,desperate...these aren't exactly what i was feeling. I was just feeling hmm..rather uneasy, slightly restless and just, not at peace. I don't even need to feel this way anyway, I have no obligation to, and you have no obligation to me to tell me anything too. Though just not knowing, not being able to get you, and really being clueless about it all made me feel so...i don't know, i might even say, abit afraid. Its crazy, its dumb, its absolutely baseless and irrational. But my heart was sinking with every passing minute, getting more and more restless, wondering and wondering.
and i just crashed on the bed when i got home. i was tired. about 3am i got up to go back to bed properly, and i prayed. And I thank you Lord. Thank you. I did all sorts of silly things then. I didn't even care if i would be awoken at night, with whatever stupid ringtone. I honestly NEEDED to hear from you and to know.
So there I was at night, awaking to that loud tone i myself had set. Half awake and through sleepy, droopy eyes, I saw whatever made the tone go off, and after that, falling back down onto my pillow again, and then after that unconciously getting up to reply. When I see them now, the messages were pretty far apart in time. But still, thank you for bothering. I really can't remember what went on in the wee early hours of the morning, my head's pretty clogged and i don't even know how i was able to type out what i did though it was really just one line HAHAHA. But with that, I finally found my peace again. To know.
Its not like I always know, but this time is different because you're going away. Korea. I really really REALLY want to go back there, especially with you. It would have been AMAZING.
I miss you sooo much! knowing you're not in the same place as me makes me miss you even more. and knowing you're in the place which "connects" us makes me yearn even more.
2 of the most important people to me are in Korea right now. wish i were there too.
And so I wait, with you gone, and when you're back, I'll be waiting for you to share. Please.

SAM! YOU haven't replied my text!! Y O U! TSK TSK! WORK AWAITS. SERIOUSLY, JUST GET DOWN TO IT. JUST. DO. IT.

It's Christmas everybody! Merry Merry Christmas!
This time of the year again. Last year this time, everything ended. Wow, its going to be a brand new year soon. Though actually, I don't feel the NEW-ness of 2011, probably because i already know whats in store, and everything's going to just go back being what it was like in 2010.
Well anyway, its not the new year YET so we'll save the new year talk for next week. :) HAHA.
I remember last year I was in Taiwan and Hong Kong during the december period. And especially in Hong Kong, Christmas carols kept playing in all the shops. All around me I heard "Oh I wish it could be christmas every day....", "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...", and one of my most favourite modern Christmas song, Mariah Carey's catchy "All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuu".
I remember thinking of you everytime that song played, especially that last line. And I remembered wondering if i would still feel the same way the next year (which is this year).
Well Korea did make me think about you alot. Almost everything in my world reminds me of you. Which is probably a very bad thing. But I'm slowly learning to live like that, with you apart and with us just remaining where we have moved on from. Thank you for still bothering to talk to me, never really dismissing me when i so often talk to you. I think i know why you still bother to have conversations with me, and why you often still ask about my life. And that just makes me abit more certain of the past. It always circles around my head.
EH. Since when did this post end up to be about you again???! Oh well. What to do. You're going to Korea tomorrow too. Wish we had gone during the same period :( I really want to go there with you. It would have been awesome. Japan would be great too! :D HAHA STOP DREAMING =.=
Okay I'm about to head off to my aunt's house now...MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS HOHOHOHOHO!

Christmas is coming...I can feel it everywhere, see it everywhere and taste it. I can feel the general winding down period during this time of year, where everyone just kind of slows down whatever they are doing. Or maybe its just lazy me. HA.
I want to change my skin to a christmas one! I think I have some links stored somewhere..but i can't really remember where they are now. I have to find a day to put up the Christmas decorations and tree at home too! Maybe tomorrow? When the whole family will be home? Its so hard to get us all 4 together now. And even when we are together, we don't really talk. Whats happening? Teenage angst?

Its Christmastime, and the past few days have been pretty cold, even in sunny, blazing hot, humid Singapore. I've been feeling pretty cold too, physically AND emotionally. Cold and empty, sometimes like my heart has been grabbed with a freezing, icicle hand, causing it to freeze over.
I'm still upset and depressed over saturday. After that day, you've been circling my mind more than ever.
When will we EVER get a chance to sit down properly and catch up properly? With you actually making some effort too? (though yes I admit saturday was MOSTLY my fault, but YOU had some nasty contributions to it too) So, tell me, when? I don't want to have to wait so long because I know as time drags on, you'll no longer care and I'll probably cease to exist in your life. But of course, this'll never happen. You don't have reason nor do you want to meet me by yourself right? But who else can I call when everyone has just fallen apart.
I had a thought in my mind, maybe in the future, when you have finally gotten your dream and moved to Japan and opened your ramen shop, like you said last time, I'd walk in one day, and wait for you to finish, or maybe while your shop is totally empty, and we'd just sit on one of the tables and talk. That'd be nice, but would it have to wait so long? And anyway, this is just a figment of my imagination.
I really really miss you.

aahhh 2 more mins before the 25th of oct is over!!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS EVER...MY DARLING CHERL FRANCESCA TAN!!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!!

AND MAY WE NEVER GROW APART AND BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ALWAYS!

<3

So these 2 days its mostly been Festival of Sports going on in school. Everyone seems so much darker and tanner now, especially since the sun has been BLAZING hot. roasty and toasty!!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...

it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.

i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!

怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重

i feel like i'm having some mental breakdown. i don't know why this is happening, why its suddenly so strong.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.

-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --

and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.

that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.

and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.

i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.

thanks for always caring a whole fat lot.



yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.

to even think it was possible was already a huge, stupid mistake in itself.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.

sometimes, i think, forget it. seriously, just, whatever. i give so much, put in so much effort, but i don't get anything in return. i'm done done done trying to always be the one. if you all can't appreciate, give A LITTLE ITTY BIT of reciprocation, FINE. WHATEVER. at least, i know that out there, there are people who do care. and they are the ones who matter.

-

i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.

today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.

the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.

why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.

i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.

and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

when i see them, it reminds me so much of you and i.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.

how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.

so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.

I have a 3 hour session with raymond later today.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.

damm indeed.

Finally, a proper conversation and proper goodnight.and a smile which so rarely comes out from you. thank you.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.

and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.

damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.

i'm always scared to come online.

what is wrong with you seriously. REPLY ME!!!
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(



I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T

Somewhere out there (in Singapore, at Marina Bay to be exactly specific), the nation and the rest of the world is partying, celebrating a closing of a wonderful, memorable event. And I.....meanwhile.....have just finished a round of econs tuition and am preparing to go for math tuition. and when I get back, tutorials and pw to be done.
This is utterly depressing.
Last day the athletes are going to be here and staying at the yov.
Tom Daley :(

(music can really distort your mood)

PINK. It doesn't show up that well but, oh well.
2 more days left before the YOG is over. And then, back to boring. Well, i KNOW i wasn't involved with the games, but at least there was SOMETHING taking place in the country, something happening and exciting, something which brought SO MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER. I love this International stuff, where you get to meet different people and interact with them, make many valuable friends, learn about different cultures. yes, sounds like the normal and typical globalisation and cultural exchange experience, but this is what i really do enjoy. Especially if i get to meet people from the countries which i am interested in.
But I can't talk as if I actually did all those things, because i didn't. Even though i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED) WANTED TO. I really really REALLY wanted to be more involved and actually in the action of things in the YOG. And I really feel EXTREMELY GUTTED (HAHAHA A NEW EXPRESSION I LEARNT FROM TOM DALEY - reading all the reports about him and his interviews) that i didn't get to be one of those people in the purple yog shirts. Seriously, everytime I see one of those purple people...........you do NOT know how absolutely jealous i am of them. and its going to end so soon, and never coming back, and i never will get to do anything.
it marks 2 more days too, that Tom Daley is going to be here in Singapore. He probably won't ever really come back since he doesn't have reason to and he lives so faraway. asgfbasjgbasgbasgb i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED AGAIN) WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't enjoy fangirling. Though I must admit I am highly susceptible to it. I don't enjoy it cos when i occasionally indulge in it, i go ALL CRAZY. And I don't like this because its irrational and illogical. But yet, it kind of (for me at least) offers me some other hope and life to my otherwise shitty, boring, mundane and plain old education academic lifestyle. =.=
But Tom Daley is really someone I want to meet. sigh. being irrational and impossible here. i will definitely NOT get so see him though he is just right HERE, right HERE IN THIS COUNTRY which is soooo small i could travel anywhere around it!!!! The perfect opportunity going to waste. How totally totally wasted. I am really depressed about this. I am not joking, even though i sound like i am. i am really really upset and depressed about this.

was SUPERBLY upset and depressed that we couldnt watch russel and jabez too. how absolutely horrid to not be allowed to support both our classmates playing in the same match, especially the USA one. the intensity of it, and the importance of it... :( we missed all that.
well. 2 more days. i'm still going to miss all this yog fever though. and having Tom Daley here too, of course. :(

Once again, Romantic is playing. And the one who reminds me of everything, and who will definitely be the one who pops up in my head, is there. after so long, almost a week i think, of not being there.
i feel nothing now, no need or urge, because i am living in a dream and thinking of the impossible. when i say i am depressed, i really am. i'm NOT joking even though it might just seem superficial, flighty, bimbotic stuff.

i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.

today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.

as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.

well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.

missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!

don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........

that smile could melt me anytime though.

but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.

but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.

it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.

Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.



SERIOUSLY.

i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.

today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.





on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.

its really easy to see who cares about you and who doesn't. its so easy to just give a superficial, seemingly caring response, but it will be a mistake to take you seriously. to think that maybe, just maybe, you remembered how anxious i had been and bothered to follow up. of course not. so many years of knowing you (and you guys), i really thought you all could be my true, best friends. i care a whole darn lot about your affairs. when you're anxious, sad, hurt, angry, i'll try my best. and i show my care and concern. once you're okay though, i don't know, it seems like i'm just one of those friends you'll only talk to once in a while, if you feel like it. i am really annoyed at always having to be the one reaching out to you. you don't even really spare a thought for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i thought you were one of my best friends. seems like you're drifting away, and taking advantage of my effort, assuming it'll always be there. looks like i was wrong. i was hoping so hard you wouldn't be a friend like her, but i'm wrong. you've become like her. but she's changed, though i no longer will trust her. but you? (and you guys? just especially you) and you don't even really bother talking or striking up conversation with me. well. ain't this friendship just give me a wonderful feeling.

It is just a DRAMA

So the past 2 days after finishing blocks, I have been holing myself at home, glued to the computer and my seat, watching a korean drama GOD OF STUDY.

Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.

The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.

I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D

All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.

It really is just a drama!

I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.

And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!

I don't want to make a stupid decision. BUT the heart is meddling with the head.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.

And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.

Really, not a single word from you. I can't believe it, but i should. i should have expected, should have known. and i should get used to it, since it WILL be like that. i see that you're there, uncaring, and i really want to cry, because i WANT you to care, because I CARE!
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.

but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.

i can't study when this isn't settled.
when my heart's aching and yearning.

Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...

Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..

i need to learn to lock my heart.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.

yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.

i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.

i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.

and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.

but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.

one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.

When reality slaps you in the face, you can't run. It surrounds you like 4 walls, slowly closing in on you, until you can hardly take it, can hardly breathe.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.

But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.

shit, the hot tears have begun.

Tall and lanky,
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),

...

...

They're all,


Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.

Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.

Tomorrow I'll be going there. I wonder how I'll take to it, whether I'll be overwhelmed again. I can't stop the memories, i can't not feel sad. I wish so bad that time could be reversed, or I might get another chance. But its never going to happen girl. Suck it up and move on. There really is this empty hole, something lacking and missing. It sucks that I can't go through this hard times with you guys.

Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...

I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.

When I sit in front of my computer, with this page open, and I think about my life, so many thoughts come into my head. The end of the first semester in school, june holidays now, europe trip, tuition friends, primary school friends, family...everything in general. So what do I have to say about them? I've made many wrong choices, I think, choices which have made me deeply unhappy. Even until now, I still regret, and will probably always regret as well. But I have been blessed too, because within those wrong choices, I have found some precious bits of joy. I still hope though, for a second chance. And I'm really really REALLY hoping for it. And I need to work harder. ALOT HARDER. REALLY ALOT. If not, I am going to die. I really am NOT going to die because i WILL MUST SHALL CAN WORK HARDER. GOO! Jc's really very much different and tougher, seems like we need to suddenly grow up so much faster. its scary, and hard to do, but we will all just have to grow up. There's no other option.



I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.

And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?

People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!



Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.

Bye guys, take lots of care!

my heart is hurting and aching like crap.
too tired to say more even though a thousand thoughts were whirring about my head just now.
feeling so........
sad.
its killing me.
and i feel so insecure about going now.
good night.

A simple phone call with contents nothing special or interesting or important at all can make me so happy. I really smile everytime I think about it.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...

I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.

You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.