I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.

And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!