there's one more thing i need to make my joy and freedom from after o's complete. really, i feel this hole and emptiness in me. i can't believe people can actually feel like that. still feel so miserable, and even though i have absolutely heavenly friends whom i love so much, they can't replace you nor can they patch up this hole. i wish i could just forget or stop; this is so pathetic, but i don't know why, i just can't. i pray about it even; this is impossible, it seems wrong to be praying about such things. one day i'm going to kill you for making me like this. one day i'm going to tell you everything too. i'm eagerly waiting for that chance.