这是你第二年的清明。
我知道，到时候，我必须为你扫墓。只是。。。在我二十三年的生活，我从来没想过我需要为您做这件事，似乎觉得你会永远活下去。
但，死亡不就是生存最明确的对比吗？

回到一个没有了你的家，是我生活中最难做的事。

泪干了。

没想到这果然会那么难。

If I could go there.. 

To the place where time is told differently.. 

... Then maybe... We could be together 

Been listening more to Jay Chou's songs recently.. especially his newer ones.. but the question I have to ask myself is not

怎么了but 怎么办

sigh. 

...well maybe a bit of the former too because I'm not entirely sure I know what's going on.

You're not real. so what do I even care? Or what and why should I even care. You'll never be real. 

Better surround and immerse myself in reality.
And Oh I should just wipe and erase this whole thing out because. as I have said. You're.Not.Real. Oh I must keep drumming this into my head. 

Yup. It doesn't exist. :)

I was never meant to see you again. 


And I'm stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last.

sometimes you just know, you know?

我真的不懂怎么开口。不懂该说什么。

But that is the very first step. And I will have to do alot more beyond that if it does indeed get me somewhere. 

It runs far far deeper than even I could imagine. The heartache, the longing, the missing, the yearning.

And deep beneath it all, probably the most painful, heartbreaking and gut-renching of it all.. the regret.

It still haunts me every night. No matter how I may make excuses, justifications, or try to deny it, I know I don't actually agree with them. And I never will.

Ever since coming back, I don't feel the same way about things. What used to be my favourite activities.. Well I don't feel any incentive or motivation to do any of them anymore. I don't feel anything and I look past things and when I look at things, I see hills, mountains, rivers.. And many more things instead. The gorgeous, mesmerising and never-ending landscapes from the train.. Old towns and cities.. Some autumn trees here and there, red, gold, amber...faces, smiling and laughing and looking at me with genuine warmth.... Seeing all my memories.

Well perhaps people see me differently now too, or feel different about me. Some things seem lost to me now. Over the course of the last half year, they've probably found their own sense of belonging too and we now seem to exist in completely different worlds. Never overlapping, never intersecting.. Or probably never bothering to. 

脑海里 你的笑容太彻底

" Can I go forward when my heart is here?

Turn back, dull earth, and find thy center out. "

把他忘记
重复告诉自己

It's exactly 2 more weeks. We'll never get a chance. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself and get over that Sunday and stop beating myself up over it.  The only thing which makes it a little better was that you asked after me. Thank you for that. But I'm sad we will never get that chance. 
"The briefest moment shared with you- the longest on my mind."

While I may have had to do things a bit differently from everyone else because I stay somewhere else, I feel so fortunate to have chosen this place and I wouldn't give it up for the world. There must have been some reason for me to have been given this place, and I'm so so thankful to have met everyone I have during my time here. You all truly let me see what life and passion is.

I can't deny that 
My eyes light up more,
My ears perk up more,
My smile is brighter,
And 
My heart and steps are that much lighter,
Like everyday and everything presents a wonderful, pleasant, happy surprise. 
You standing right at the door, waiting with that.. that smile, which is brilliant and blinding yet sceptical and somewhat teasing, was a surprise to perhaps, the both of us.

I'm going to miss this.. I guess...  In 41 days.. That still sounds like a long time away (more than a month!!).. Ugh too far for comfort. These last 5 weeks here are killing and stifling me and I cannot cannot wait for it to end!!! 

I guess it's okay to feel how I feel, to do what I do, and to want to do what I do. After all, that's just being me. I do wonder though, if I keep running and running and running...eventually I'll have to stop right? There'll definitely come a time when you feel too exhausted and will stop, or you've finished that particular route... No more paths to go or run. So, okay, maybe I'll just continue until I'm absolutely worn out, weary, and tired to my bones. Because even I can't continue forever. Just like how I got over them and just accepted it after crying and a whole lot of missing, I can and will do it again.. And again. Forever always only feeling the impact at the very last minute and when time is running out. Sigh. 

And that's only if you let me.

Swirling maelstrom of thoughts. As usual. Though it's always probably about nothing and unimportant. As usual. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes. I really should. I don't know how though. Tell me how :( just keep being unable to stop thinking about it or whirling the thoughts around my head that I thought maybe writing something out here would help but then my thoughts are always so silly, meaningless, inconsequential and immaterial that I don't even know what and why I'm thinking about or writing. Ok this hasn't really helped and I don't think anything can help and I don't even know how to get help from this lol but on another note ughhh please may my blocked and runny nose be gone tmr!!!

Expect nothing, appreciate everything. This is truly the credo I should live by and which I should remind myself of all the time. 
So. Appreciate that he doesn't ignore me, well at least and not yet. Because I've heard way too many times about unpleasant cases where either party just disappears or never hears anything at all. 
And, appreciate the bright and bedazzling morning. I'm so glad I decided to turn around and its also immensely thanks to sheer luck that I look around and managed to recognise something and that I decided to double check. :) ;) 

'You don't even look at me'
*baffled, flabbergasted, speechless and absolutely not knowing what to say* '...what?!?!?!'
*awkwardly patting*  'no, you look very handsome today.' *speaking the absolute truth which actually needed some courage to be summoned to say that line.*
*maior eye -rolling and deliberately not looking at me* 
*still speechless and baffled and flabbergasted* -.- sigh. Maybe doing wrong all the time lol sigh.

I don't want to wake up because then I'll have to stop dreaming and I don't want to stop dreaming because only in my dreams will we be able to talk endlessly and timelessly.

Inexplicably, irrevocably and irreversibly drawn.

Feeling like I'm rocking back and forth on the verge of this cliff of insecurity, uncertainty, anxiety, nervousness and the unknown. And deep below is the vast, wide, gaping hole of emptiness and longing. Back and forth, back and forth. So scared. April, come sooner >< Assurance and replies, come sooner too. Hopefully and in good faith.

In a very real sense, I feel like you saved me that day. Really. You'll never know that but seeing you just standing there waiting for me to notice as I hurriedly walked out with what was probably a dead and blackened face slowly making its way all the way to the floor... it was immense joy whooo. Not too sure why either hahaha. And it was so funny too. First time seeing you this year and you were the first to try my "cny cookies" LOL. Kept me happy the rest of the day. Best (well, one of) end to the week filled with total blah-ness and upsets and disappointments. So, thanks for being the superman for the day.. even wearing festive red ah and looking kinda like a little boy HAHA oh my goodness its hilarious making fun of you sometimes ahaha don't know whether to laugh or cry. :) just. :) 

Another 2 tough tiring weeks to pull through.... first wave of presentations plus mid terms all coming together.. mannnn.

I don't even have anything AT ALL to say about this because as usual and as always there is nothing but as I keep feeling over and over again, (though by now I really SHOULDN'T.. -.- and I seriously should not continue harping over it to give myself some rest..) sometimes I really really just shoot myself in the foot.. maybe make that my two feet, and create a big hole in the ground which just eats me up, and from which there is nearly no, or an extremely steep and difficult way of climbing out to my escape. If my escape is even successful. But then again, I don't want to give in...mostly to myself maybe. AHHA. But then it probably backfires.. and usually I end up being soft and then just doing what I want..albeit probably kinda clumsily and stupidly. And then again, sometimes, what am I supposed to say?

OK never mind. My emotions are probably just going haywire, as they always do when its exam time. (or maybe as they always are? HAH) I really should be sleeping to rest for a loooong day of studying (which MUST BE ABSOLUTELY PRODUCTIVE) tomorrow. And, I'll be able to get other chances right? Sigh okay never mind this is just going to circle around and around and around my head as always... Can't I ever filter out what's not AHHA! RELEVANT (L O L. =.= MA) for my head.. :( and to not think about things which I'm not even supposed to be worried about or even the slightest bit bothered about or it shouldn't even OCCUR to me to think about it.

Good night everyone, rest well and all the very best for exams!! I'm thankful for the little surprises and entertainment and enjoyment and rare and random bouts of care from people. And from some who are so so far away and who are seem to be so far removed from me. :) And for bothering to remember things which I don't really remembering saying.. or which I know I have spammed them with but they still manage to remember amidst all that senseless and useless verbal diarrhoea :P I really was so touched you have no idea, and you will most likely never know hahaha but thanks!!!!!

So I thought this was a pretty funny but ingenius and really accurate statement:

"You don't get to see your Big Bang today but you get to see your other B." *All trying to contain explosive laughter (esp the maker of that statement)*

HAHAHAHAHA. HILARIOUS. Or maybe its just me. LOL.  hai. just. all the Bs in my life, really. always.

Saw these and just felt they were extremely relatable, and I just felt like posting them.. esp after much cherished, lovely long talks with the even lovelier and much loved azzy

(from seconded.. just in case I need to quote some source or whatever..)

"The hardest part about walking away from someone is the part where you realize that, no matter how slowly you go, they will never run after you."

"We refuse to see how bad something is until it completely destroys us."

i am so tired. so freaking tired. and i am so jealous. so jealous. of him, her or what or why or where, i do not know. its most probably a combination of all. ugh. i want to burst into tears right now ughhh.

i mind. i really really need to stop but i still do.

youknowwhat, just. good night. i just want to bury my head and escape and sleep. i don't feel like doing anything at all right now but i don't want to sleep either because i don't like whats going on in my head...just before i go to bed. =.= and i'll still have to wake up and face it anyway. which i don't want to. i dont!!!!!!

"Opened my eyes, yeah
It was only just a dream."

I wonder how dreams are input into our sleep, and I wonder if He knows the reason and purpose of my dream...if there is even a reason or purpose to it (in the first place) or if it is by His will that I have such dreams. Hmm.

All in all, I would say.....horrendous dream which made me think back to so much and so long ago. But I was superbly happy in the dream, so happy I could explode. Actually it would be a happy dream.....if only. If.Only.

Honestly, WHY this dream? WHY. =.= Been mulling, mulling the whole day because of it, digging, remembering.. sigh.
But well, its just a wisp of a dream which I will eventually forget and which will only ever be...just a dream.

and THIS IS WHY I WILL NOT, CANNOT, AND AM UNABLE TO STOP LOVING BIG BANG AND G DRAGON. I reblogged the first vid on my tumblr some time ago, but I didn't actually watch their parody until yesterday, and i ABSOLUTELY FELL IN LOVE WITH IT. I mean, the 2NE1 song is already so catchy, and... add Big Bang's DANCING to it, doing the sexy girl moves.... HAHA. IT IS AMAZING. I LOVE THEIR DANCING AND I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT! I am so glad they are finally making their comeback. I have definitely missed them. I can't believe it either, that I would actually miss a band, but their absence from the kpop industry really leaves something like a stark, big, gaping hole for me. Kpop just feels like there is something MISSING. Though their style kind of differs from the normal kpop... and they definitely lean alot towards Western stuff.. Anyway I was so glad for and lapping up every last bit of their fully released track for their upcoming Alive album. Its the only one which has the full mv and version out for now!!! aahhh.. eagerly waiting for february 29 when the full album will be released! Seeing them all in their new MV, with my handsome GD (WHEW i am SO GLAD that his hair from the concept photos did NOT make it into the MV because, I'm really sorry, but add that hairstyle to the list of his hairstyles which i do not agree with ahahahha...but nevertheless I really do respect him for always being so daring and different and to not be afraid to show his individualism and try out all sorts of weird things) on screen and active again, aahhh...i felt SO GLAD. And the song is nice too!!! please. their dancing.... THEIR BODY WAVES (from the I am the best parody..ESP DAESUNG! AND GD!!!!)....me.... *ashamed* HAHA.

And this! has more or less confirmed me as an audience for their world tour concert...whenever it may be and HOPEFULLY they will come to Singapore....or well, make that WHEREVER it may be then, I SHALL GO. I think I will have the time of my life listening to their songs and hearing GD's smooth lovely rapping, which, up til this day, noone seems to be able to beat or even come close to comparison. HAHA. (this is just in my own opinion of course :D)

I'm really amazed by how much emotion the fairy tail manga can convey..I think it stirs up more emotions in me than the anime..which I find really amazing because usually shows are supposed to make you feel more emotional? With all the soundstracks and the voices and all. I don't know how to explain how come his manga makes me more emotional...I suck in absolutely every picture he draws and I feel myself absorbed and immersed into the characters worlds and emotions. It helps that his drawings are usually quite easy to make out, because the main problem that I have with reading manga is that sometimes I really can't tell what is inside the picture. HAHA.

His manga clearly portrays the emotions of the characters and I really feel for them and along with them too. I cried when I read the chapter about Jellal leaving and being locked up...but I didnt cry when I saw the episode of that. And I'm on the verge of tears when I read Erza's arc...all her tears and sadness, I can feel it from the manga...but in the anime, though it was really sad and i was sad too, well not as tear inducing I guess. I really like Erza, and she is so beautiful in the manga. She's so strong yet vulnerable at the same time..and I really like characters which can hold their own and are not damsels in distress. I don't mind damsels in distress I guess, IF they do make an effort to at least try and do something. And I'm so glad Erza's story is going in the direction which I like...hehehe. Call it Mr Hiro's fan service or whatever, but it still makes me feel so warm inside. And at least the romance in there is not at all cliched...it was so complicated and heart breaking and tough for Erza and Jellal to get to where they are and I am happy for them whereever they are at now. I'm lapping up every Jerza moment there is! And anxiously and eagerly awaiting every new chapter ;D

Alright I have to leave NOW. As usual I think I am going to be running abit late. hmmm. sigh. and I'm not getting any replies from the places i reallly really want to work at T.T aaahhh pleaseeee. sigh.
and no false hopes please =.=

byeee of I go.

I'm on a bus now and I'm using my phone while the battery is already in critical mode but I still feel like bidding goodbye to this year. I guess I feel pretty sentimental seeing it go, and I feel extremely insecure about the coming year. After I got back from Europe the year just came to the end so quickly, and it really struck me so hard that it's finally ending. The year so many of us have been dreading... We've finished with it and things are just moving on. I still have trouble believing our a levels have come and gone... Well. And now we're out from jc life too. Jc taught me lots of things, and while I wouldn't say it was the best and happiest times, there are things I am grateful for. I got to meet many new, different types of people and learnt many things and had many internal struggles and conflicts. For 2011, it was about growing closer to some people, maybe finding out who will stick around and who won't, mending, repairing, letting go, growing. Facing certain absolutions, facing some things that I cannot change and things which will never be the same. In others eyes, i havent grown perhaps, but i have learnt and felt many things which inguess still need work on. I may never really be able to find the precise footing for myself and figure out where exactly I stand in certain things but well, we'll let the new year take its course. He will be there to guide me along.

Reaching my aunts house soon, and I am glad I am finally seeing my (extended) family and spending the new year with them.

Have a happy new year everyone! <3 have lots of fun and have great celebrations! May the coming year be a successful and fruitful one and if u should meet with obstacles and hardships, may you have the strength to overcome them.

And in the new year, continue listening to kyuhyun's awesome rich smooth deep velvety voice, g dragon's smooth suave cool rapping, super junior and big bang!!

Hahaha okay don't roll your eyes.

Shall blog again soon!!! I guess~ :P take care!

i should blog about happier and nicer things.
exams make me feel so disconnected from everything at times, and sometimes i just feel like cooping myself up in my own world...my own world made up of....hmmmm...i don't know...myself i guess. heh. but then i miss my friends :( and i apologize...
I wanted to blog about this last time when it happened, because i really REALLY felt so happy and glad for it...but i never got down to doing so.

talking on the phone, late late, REEEALLLLYY LATE into the night with some of my closest and bestest friends really make me feel so happy. just talking about anything and everything, and all the talking just seems to fall into place. it makes me giggly too. HAHAHA. laughing about stupid things we say...talking about things which we would never dare say or reveal in front of others, because only they know our deepest feelings, and probably share them even.
I really treasure those talks...and i guess doing it during such periods of times really make me cherish them even more.

Aaaaaand, my heart is hurting so much. I got the mnet tickets. (OUCH) and i have to live like a miser to recoup the cost back. LOL. OUCH. what to do...they were the only available ones left...i hope i DO get to see who and what is on stage. I'm wondering if i should wear my heels...or....does anyone have like 29257120 cm high shoes to lend me? then i will DEFINITELY be able to see the people on stage MUAHAHA.
these are the times I wish I were as tall as Russel :P
big bang and 2pm better come!!!!!
Though when I look at the ticket, and imagine who I'lll be seeing...SUPERJUNIOR :D ...and at that time, my ipod was playing MR SIMPLE, and leeteuk's part came on and I was imagining his earnest, smiley face, and his bouncy brown hair which flops about when he dances so enthusiastically, i couldnt help but smile...and all the heart pain went away...hehehe. Sigh I'm so incorrigible and ridiculous.
ALL'S GOOD MAN :)
I seriously want to go and tour around town and see the christmas decor. It sounds pretty cool! Especially the marina bay/esplanade area. Motion sensor reindeers??? COOL.
And it seems like Orchard Central is decked out in pink and has been transformed into a pink Christmas wonderland!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE.I WANT TO GO AND SEE!!!!

well As are ending sooooon. just 2 papers left.

all at the wrong time...

ok really wrong time to be blogging right now but i just feel so incomplete.
nothing to do with studies or work or academics though yes those are HIGHLY DEFINITELY INCOMPLETE AND WILL NEVER EVER BE COMPLETE...
though yes, prelims start tomorrow and HENCE, the REALLY WRONG TIME TO BE BLOGGING RIGHT NOW BUT...

dammit.
i hate feelings of incompletion.
not like i am supposed to be included but still.
still.
should've said good night, goodbye, have a safe flight.....etc ....
leaving at 7am tomorrow and probably not ever going to see them again.
i'll miss the laptop, (really soft) bag, guide book....
I don't know why, I don't even know them and yet......
.....
i will still miss them. their presence, their very essence.
maybe so.
or maybe, i'm just too idiotic about all these kinda things.
maybe, its what they stand for and remind me of.
man feel so knotted up right now, and kinda sad.
i know its a globalised world, and people never stay static and they move around all the time.
but.
sigh.


i should just go to bed.
let it go. they weren't even "mine" in the first place, and i guess maybe someday i'll find my own.

and you know, sometimes the things you do, really hurt me through and through. maybe you don't mean it, but still. i mean, come on, someone i barely met being nicer than my own blood?!

so good night....and goodbye.
goodbye from the very depths of my heart.

stupid twitter is down, and i have so many (short) things I want to just blurt out.
its supposed to be a happy time, but truthfully, i just want to cry right now, and i just feel so hurt.
maybe not as hurt as i would have been, but still hurt, and sad.
since u are like that, i really know i shouldn't even bother. tearing myself up over this?!?! it is TOTALLY stupid. DOWNRIGHT IDIOTIC.
But I still am bothered by it. I still am. I honestly wish you could just do...a very tiny little bit more.
and i'm really sorry that i can't just let everything go like that, and not let such things affect me. i know i have so many other people out there who genuinely care about me and who will put in the effort, but i'm sorry you guys, i'm still affected by it all.
i know i should not think about all this, and just be thankful and grateful to my lovely friends who do so much for me and try to make me happy always and have always been by my side in all ways, and i really am thankful for them.
but i really hate how things change with time. All the changes, with those people...it hasn't been for the better.
And right now, I just don't feel like saying anything at all, or talking to anyone.
argh. stop being so stupid seriously.

on another hand, i was really touched, by someone's sincerity. thank you.

Resigned to having to study forever for 26 more weeks (as Raymond just reminded us yesterday...) That's just slightly more than 6 months. I really do want to give my all, and hopefully I'll be able to do it.
I keep wanting to blog, because so many things have been happening in my life, and I like putting things down into words. Although sometimes, you're so exhausted by your feelings and all that you just want to ignore everything, or that you become numb, and can't even feel anything anymore.

This morning, some of my cousins are going out for a late breakfast. I'm craving something hot. :( But I can't go. Sigh. Resigned. But I got to spend time with them on Saturday! For Tua Ee's birthday celebration. This past 2 years, it somehow seems that we grew closer, in feelings. To me, it seems like we realized we're family, and each time we get together nowadays, we always try to have as much fun, talk as much as we can, laugh and smile. It warms my heart that even though we're growing older, we can still have so much fun and happiness together. I'm so so so glad that I have my family with me, who will always be able to let me feel loved no matter what. I was so afraid that as we grew older, we might grow distant and further apart from one another. But I can't deny the fact that I don't talk to kkj as much now, and it makes me sad :( He used to tease me alot about Freddie Highmore last time, and all the celeb "bfs" that I had...we all used to play ice and water and video games together when we were younger. I remember running around the table in Em's woo mon chew house, playing ice and water and some twister video game. And how kkc brought us drain exploring and did all sorts of crazy things, and how we'd play crocodile (or whatever I can't remember the name of the game) in the pool at kallang swimming complex, where we all took lessons together and where Em always gave attitude to our swimming teacher HAHAHA. Sure, some things have definitely changed, and I miss those parts of our childhood, but to be able to feel so loved with them and by them, well, what can i say, I love my extended family to absolute bits as well, and wouldn't give up any time that I can spend with them.
This year we went to catch the LION KING musical together. It was FANTASTIC. The show was amazing and up til now, I'm still dreaming about the utopian forest. The props and scenes were stunning. And even though its all humans and human creation, they could portray the jungle and the animals so well. I remember the people who came out with the grass on their heads, swaying their bodies like how grass and weeds sway in the wind. It was beautiful. Some of their heads must have felt so heavy, but wow, they managed to do it! And the musical just rekindled my love for disney and all its music. The baboon was hilarious and I loved Scar's sacarstic and dry humour. The little boy playing Simba was soooo tiny and cute! Reminded me so much of Christian, who was also watching it with us that day. hahaha! There was one part where the boy had to run out and he ran out by the aisle of the seats at my side!!!!! so tiny and cute! :D Anyway, don't miss the Lion King! I would TOTALLY watch it again if it were possible :P Tickets, anyone?? :D
I remember playing badminton with Emma, Amanda, Mel, Marcus and Josh sometime in March too, the week after block test 1. I had such an enjoyable time with them, and a very good workout too! And found out that the SIA sports club had actual airplane seats in their pub, and I also realized WHY after a while...do you all know WHY?? :P And I remember going to Evan's house too, although I went really late. And we played blind mice, and retarded Marcus's comment before we started..."nooooo can we not play it, I have many friends in Tampines!" (because apparently, he's old and mature and cannot play blind mice with us LOL)
And mel, em and I also made a trip down to Wild Wild Wet after my chem blocks! :D Spent so much time lazing around in the shiok river, and stupid mel was evading and trying to hide AHEM...LOL. But everything was for naught anyway. I'm just looking forward to the next time I'm gonna be spending with them :)
on a side note, Marcus is going into the army on Wed. Best of luck for these 2 years! Hope you'll get all the postings and everything that you want. :) I'm sure you can do it and conquer these 2 years! And may you make lots of wonderful friendships. Please come back and share funny stories with me...I love hearing funny stories from army. And that's why I kinda miss my brother being in the army, and hearing funny stories about Leftanant Teo. And my brother looking good and fit. HAHA. LOL Marcus already kinda shaved his hair and I thought he had already enlisted! Well, do know that I'm always supporting you cousin! :D

...because i always feel kinda sentimental like that when my close guy friends/family enter the army...it's like their on their way to growing up and embarking on a different journey which leaves me (and their family and everyone else they have known) behind, and where they venture out on their own.

So even as we lose people along the way in our lives, and feel the hurt, sadness, anger and pain, we must remember those who love us. Maybe it was this all that made me remember who I still have, and who I will always have. It made me more aware of who are the important people in my life, and who is worth cherishing and loving. Who will always stand and stay by me no matter what.
Thanks to my SC and Primary school friends who make up part of that group above, Christy and my darling MCS CCA friends. and some (pretty surprising) friends too, who bother enough...Karthik. :)
I'm thankful I have all these people in my life. Really. Who keep me sane and who help me keep going in life. I love you all.

alright. I have so much else to blog about, but for now I think I need to go and study first. SPA on wed!!! arhhh! Hopefully it'll be my LAST EVER. (exam oriented one), just like I completed my LAST EVER timed 2.4km run this year!!!! WHOOO!
OKAY.BACK DOWN TO REALITY.STUDY.
B.Y.E

Haven't been in a good mood today.
I don't want to go for raymonds.


not without you.


he's going to kill me, i havent done his work.
i'm in a bad mood.
my phone's not working.
bad mood bad mood bad mood!!!

And so, its the third week of school, and its the midweek!!! I feel like I'm just counting down to the end of each week, and the end of each DAY (when I'm in school) every week. How will i be able to last if I'm already counting down at the beginning of the year?? sighs. school, work, a levels and everything that's waiting in my life right now just fills me with dread. NOT a good sign nor a good start. Tomorrow the new cohort is coming in...oh well, I highly doubt it'll make much of a difference to us. I do remember getting the sms of my posting last year though. Brings back memories, hmm...not very pleasant probably? But, it was the start of my journey leaving you behind a closed door.

"So, Hwa Chong huh?", you asked, leaning against the pillar, looking at me and raising you eyebrows, something like amusement and slight awe on your face, then a hardening of your features...thinking, perhaps?
"Yeah......"


"So how's it?"...... "You would've been happier there..."

Today I showed R my favourite first 30 seconds from the Big Bang Tell Me Goodbye MV, which features a very very hot GD! :D haha! Can't say it invoked much response from him...but I guess the silence must be because he was too awed and became speechless right? And cx says I am subjective in my views because of how I feel towards GD and he says I am totally biased toward them HAHAHA :D Nah, I'm not that crazy that I think everything they do is God-like or something. But I guess I just like their style. I do know that GD is not exactly handsome, with perfect features and all, but he is really the epitome of COOL AND STYLISH. I like how he can carry off almost (all) styles and whatever wacky crazy clothing he has, and is also daring in experimenting. His ability to compose songs is also what makes me respect him, as well as how he seems to be so at ease and comfortable at being on stage and performing. His photos and poses are always varied and picture perfect. He also doesn't outwardly and openly command attention and grab all the limelight, but takes a humble stance and doesn't mind if he is pushed behind. He has a seriously CUTE side to him as well, childish, yet also a really sexy, mature, hip-hoppy and bad-boy kinda image. OKAY. All fans will say such things, and you probably think I'm still being biased, but I guess this is why I like him so much. And he really deserves our respect. In fact, I am amazed at Korean's booming and well-known pop culture and industry. Even though it has been hampered by the "slave contracts" incidences, it has really made an impact on the whole world, or at least, made its presence FELT.
The stars go through a lot to make it that big, and I truly respect them for going through all that to come up to where they are.

I can listen to big bang songs over and over and over again, and never get tired of them. Is it just because my ears especially love those songs, or is it because of the way the songs are composed? HAHA. I find myself closely analyzing and listening to big bang songs more carefully when I hear them now. I try and figure out who is singing which part, and what little effects the song has. I loved Seungri's solo songs, So what do you want me to do and VVIP, so much! They get me high and happy everytime. I can't wait for bb's new album, hopefully then there'll be more songs which can get me happy and high. :) I REALLY HOPE to see DANCING in their new album too, oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ARGH CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR ALBUM! :D

Alright, enough writing a post which probably 1295125 other people in the world are also writing about and have the same opinions and comments about.
Recently, I've also fallen in love with "PERFECT"- done by JCO (I think he did a cover for this song which was originally Jason Derulo's song), AND "NEVER KNEW I NEEDED" by NEYO. The second song, I knew about, but only recently have I been ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE LYRICS, and realizing that, HEY, THAT'S MY LIFE.

SWIM TEST TMR FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. We won't get to see the J1s stepping into the school officially! :( DARN.
Well, its just another day in school, and its running Monday's timetable so there will be econs tutorial. Let's all say: ARGH. sighs.
Alright, cheer up, its THURSDAY. AND CNY IS C O M I N G SO VERY VERY SOON!!!

that hole...

Today I went there for Chem. The door was locked, so I did the usual, going down those steps and then coming to that big open space. And I could see you, picture you right there, playing and having fun with the rest of the guys that day when raymond was late, and we were all waiting for him.
Then I go and stand at the area in the big open space where u can look down all the way to the first floor. There're 2 of those (hmmm lets call it...) "viewing bays" there. And I see you walking to the lifts from one of them, and from the other, walking away, back home, with sm beside me once. and she laughed at you, saying the way you walked far away from the others was cool.
After a while, I go back up to the flat to see if its been unlocked. There, I see you arriving, walking down the stairs to the flat, surprise written on your face when you see the crowd of people gathered outside waiting. You leaning over the staircase railing, close to me (not intentionally of course), and i see your long eyelashes...and remember the swift physical closeness...of course.
When I enter the flat, I see the little cosy room where we used to gather and sit. The aeroplane styled arrangement of the seats during the morning tests...
When I enter the room, the familiar smell hits me, bringing me back once again. I vision the classroom with everyone. If I'm sitting in front, I am painfully aware of how I once turned around from that spot, and got to know you, and how, before that, I sat next to you in front. That was when I leaned away from you in fright, not knowing you, and you, leaning away from me as well, never looking my way or talking to me at all.
I vision you at the back too, at your usual place. Sometimes that made it hard to see you during class.

And all this makes me realize, I have a hole left in me, after all this ended. A hole which can really never be patched up, a hole which I can never get over and fill. Never ever. The time will never come again, the kind of people will never be the same again, and never will I be in that situation with someone like you, and who is that important to me. And so, its something I've lost, and with it, lost abit of myself too. Something which will stay empty in me forever.
Sometimes, I think that these memories are so far away. And they are, too. Some happened 2 years ago. T W O YEARS AGO. TWO. This makes it even seem like they might not have happened. The time spent and the memories created, sometimes seem so short, swift and not lasting that it feels like they have been caught in the wind and immediately taken far far away. It seems like something not tangible, and indeed it is not, for it is only a part of my memory. Images I can only see from my mind.
But then, at times, ESPECIALLY when I am back there, everything comes back to life again. I vision everything as it were before, and the hole inside me grows bigger. Then, those memories seem so real, so tangible, and I can almost really see everyone there again, seeing all your expressions, remembering your smiles and words and actions.

I thought with so much time having passed by, it would numb all these. But, yes, I can never get over.
It really was the best time of my life. You guys were perfect, and we were a perfect combination with raymond. it was the best class, and the feeling i got when i went was the best feeling ever. it was the best, being able to have you there too.
I can't do this anymore.
It's only been the first 3 days of school. But, I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is exactly, but, I just know, I can't take this hole, this feeling.
missu.LOTS.

i don't cry on the outside, but inside, my heart weeps. buckets and buckets of silent tears. it feels sad alright.

2011

It's a new year, and time for the new year talk! haha!
mmmm, 2011 huh.
well, 2010 has been...a year, with a whole lot of different experiences. Its a year in which so many different things happened, and a year in which my whole world seemed to turn upside down and change completely, that I can't believe just a year has passed by. However, it also seems that the year has passed by so quickly, and my secondary 4 days seem to have been just over only yesterday.
2010 was a hard year emotionally. Work-wise, of course. A level stuff is SO DIFFERENT from o level stuff that I really have no confidence at all when taking whatever tests, exams, assignments and quizzes. AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. Yes, have confidence and all...but I really don't. Chem, the science which I used to be best at, is now my worst subject in my whole life history. I have never passed a single test/quiz/exam/assignment. never. And the geog content is so deep and hard to remember, I studied rocks for an entire day for promos and nothing went in. NOTHING. Okay, I probably am studying the wrong way and too last minute...but, I don't know how to make it go in and STICK IN. Tell me how to have confidence. sigh.

Well ok besides the work, I met many new and interesting people in 2010. And I am thankful for meeting every single one of them, for they are all special to me. I hope that I'll be able to form even stronger and closer bonds with them in 2011, and make even more new friends.
And of course, my precious scgs friends. I hope our bonds will last forever and ever and EVER. To those who stayed constant in my life, helping me up, encouraging me, bothering to keep our friendships strong, thank you so much. My bestest and closest and strongest friendships were probably formed in secondary school. I love you guys so much and I won't ever want to drift apart from you all EVER. I really couldn't have gotten past 2010 without you all, and 2011 will be much more manageable with you all here with me.
Thank you so much Chee, Chiong, Sam, Jenn, Nat, CherylF, Yani, Val, Van, Joce, Andrea, Steph.
Thank you Christy too, for staying constant in my life and for never letting go.
Thank you Yenmy, Cheryl Sir, Charis, XinLin, Azilah, for being such a wonderful and lovely presence in my JC life, and for caring for me.
Thank you to my obliging PW mates, and for sticking it out the whole year together, never complaining and always staying positive.
Thank you to my ever AWESOME PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS who also never fail to let me have a marvelous time when I'm with you all, and for always being obliging to gatherings, no matter what we do. And for cherishing our friendships from our childhood too. I love you guys so much!
Thank you to my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I hope we'll still be able to have fun together like always, and keep our bonds strong, even as we grow older and do our own things.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me and being with me through the year.
Thank you everyone, for being with me throughout the year, and for tolerating all the rubbish from me.
Also, I want to thank you, for putting in that effort too, to stay constant in my life. If I were to lose you, my heart would really break into a thousand million pieces. Being as we are now, is better than you fading away completely. So, thank you, thank you for bothering to remember me. I hope we'll be able to keep our friendship for years and years to come. I just hope you'll be more open and forthcoming though, haha.

I've lost some things which are very dear to me in 2010. And I know my head still seems to be stuck in 2009, when I was in scgs, when I met you, saw you...and everything else. I can't erase those memories, I can't try to stop wishing that those times were back, I can't stop wanting to cry everytime I think about them, I can't stop yearning, but I can take these memories forward with me, and use them to try and bring me through 2011. I will try to not continue sticking my head in 2009, but just remember that these are memories which are something to be happy about. Of course, I think they will still have the potential to break me, but I will try very hard, for a year has passed already, and I think my insides have gotten used to the loss, and the fact that I have no other option other than keeping it as a dear, fond memory.
2010 was an interesting year, but not the best of years, as you said. Very true.
I really want to know how you felt about everything these last 2 years (:O wow! these last 2 years...wow we really are getting older and time is really moving on, but it really is these last 2 years!). Truly. 2010 was hard emotionally for me, mostly because of you. 2011 will be the similar in this part, but I know the Lord will bless me and keep me strong. Thank you for answering my frantic prayers that night.

So happy 2011 everybody! May the new year be a blessed one for all of you, filled with nothing but happiness. And let us all work hard and conquer A's!

It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.

Okay I shall try to make this pretty snappy. I've got piles and piles of holiday work which i havent even touched. But I still REALLLY don't even want to go near it. sigh. really dreading it and I'm really having to forcibly drag myself to pull through that whole stack. And thats not counting revision and tests which will greet us on the first day of school. How nice. Oh well I guess this is all my Christmas presents.

Yesterday I had a great time at em's place. Dinner was awesomeee!!! Just like the christmas eve dinner at tua ee's place. Christmas food is always so delicious. The turkey, which i only ever eat during Christmas, was tender and the stuffings and sauces for it made it even more tasty! Chestnut stuffing at ah peng ee's place really tasted gooood! :D And then there's the ham, the baked cauliflower and meatballs, beef, curry, mushroom soup, lobster bisque, baguette...YUM YUM YUM!! :D

And I finally met up with most of my cousins. On Christmas eve Mel and I were just squealing and fangirling. MUAHAHA. I've influenced her to like GD, GOOD GOOD GOOD! :D but sorry, he still belongs to me ONLY. You may only look from afar, got that? :P And I had a nice talk with Darren too! And on Christmas day, it was isketch and cards all the way! So fun ehh cousins! :D hahaha! I remember when we were younger and we would always run around and play, and play so many card games until late at night. We often played blind mice too. Its getting harder to go wild and be playful as we get older. Funny how we don't find all these games as appealing as before. But nevertheless, I still had a really really wonderful time with them! Loser drinks a very tasty drink and winnder shuffles the cards! ;)

Last night though, i was really feeling not at peace. Inside, i was screaming. I need to, I want to, I have to....know and talk to you! Anxious, nervous,desperate...these aren't exactly what i was feeling. I was just feeling hmm..rather uneasy, slightly restless and just, not at peace. I don't even need to feel this way anyway, I have no obligation to, and you have no obligation to me to tell me anything too. Though just not knowing, not being able to get you, and really being clueless about it all made me feel so...i don't know, i might even say, abit afraid. Its crazy, its dumb, its absolutely baseless and irrational. But my heart was sinking with every passing minute, getting more and more restless, wondering and wondering.
and i just crashed on the bed when i got home. i was tired. about 3am i got up to go back to bed properly, and i prayed. And I thank you Lord. Thank you. I did all sorts of silly things then. I didn't even care if i would be awoken at night, with whatever stupid ringtone. I honestly NEEDED to hear from you and to know.
So there I was at night, awaking to that loud tone i myself had set. Half awake and through sleepy, droopy eyes, I saw whatever made the tone go off, and after that, falling back down onto my pillow again, and then after that unconciously getting up to reply. When I see them now, the messages were pretty far apart in time. But still, thank you for bothering. I really can't remember what went on in the wee early hours of the morning, my head's pretty clogged and i don't even know how i was able to type out what i did though it was really just one line HAHAHA. But with that, I finally found my peace again. To know.
Its not like I always know, but this time is different because you're going away. Korea. I really really REALLY want to go back there, especially with you. It would have been AMAZING.
I miss you sooo much! knowing you're not in the same place as me makes me miss you even more. and knowing you're in the place which "connects" us makes me yearn even more.
2 of the most important people to me are in Korea right now. wish i were there too.
And so I wait, with you gone, and when you're back, I'll be waiting for you to share. Please.

SAM! YOU haven't replied my text!! Y O U! TSK TSK! WORK AWAITS. SERIOUSLY, JUST GET DOWN TO IT. JUST. DO. IT.

It's Christmas everybody! Merry Merry Christmas!
This time of the year again. Last year this time, everything ended. Wow, its going to be a brand new year soon. Though actually, I don't feel the NEW-ness of 2011, probably because i already know whats in store, and everything's going to just go back being what it was like in 2010.
Well anyway, its not the new year YET so we'll save the new year talk for next week. :) HAHA.
I remember last year I was in Taiwan and Hong Kong during the december period. And especially in Hong Kong, Christmas carols kept playing in all the shops. All around me I heard "Oh I wish it could be christmas every day....", "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...", and one of my most favourite modern Christmas song, Mariah Carey's catchy "All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuu".
I remember thinking of you everytime that song played, especially that last line. And I remembered wondering if i would still feel the same way the next year (which is this year).
Well Korea did make me think about you alot. Almost everything in my world reminds me of you. Which is probably a very bad thing. But I'm slowly learning to live like that, with you apart and with us just remaining where we have moved on from. Thank you for still bothering to talk to me, never really dismissing me when i so often talk to you. I think i know why you still bother to have conversations with me, and why you often still ask about my life. And that just makes me abit more certain of the past. It always circles around my head.
EH. Since when did this post end up to be about you again???! Oh well. What to do. You're going to Korea tomorrow too. Wish we had gone during the same period :( I really want to go there with you. It would have been awesome. Japan would be great too! :D HAHA STOP DREAMING =.=
Okay I'm about to head off to my aunt's house now...MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS HOHOHOHOHO!

Christmas is coming...I can feel it everywhere, see it everywhere and taste it. I can feel the general winding down period during this time of year, where everyone just kind of slows down whatever they are doing. Or maybe its just lazy me. HA.
I want to change my skin to a christmas one! I think I have some links stored somewhere..but i can't really remember where they are now. I have to find a day to put up the Christmas decorations and tree at home too! Maybe tomorrow? When the whole family will be home? Its so hard to get us all 4 together now. And even when we are together, we don't really talk. Whats happening? Teenage angst?

Its Christmastime, and the past few days have been pretty cold, even in sunny, blazing hot, humid Singapore. I've been feeling pretty cold too, physically AND emotionally. Cold and empty, sometimes like my heart has been grabbed with a freezing, icicle hand, causing it to freeze over.
I'm still upset and depressed over saturday. After that day, you've been circling my mind more than ever.
When will we EVER get a chance to sit down properly and catch up properly? With you actually making some effort too? (though yes I admit saturday was MOSTLY my fault, but YOU had some nasty contributions to it too) So, tell me, when? I don't want to have to wait so long because I know as time drags on, you'll no longer care and I'll probably cease to exist in your life. But of course, this'll never happen. You don't have reason nor do you want to meet me by yourself right? But who else can I call when everyone has just fallen apart.
I had a thought in my mind, maybe in the future, when you have finally gotten your dream and moved to Japan and opened your ramen shop, like you said last time, I'd walk in one day, and wait for you to finish, or maybe while your shop is totally empty, and we'd just sit on one of the tables and talk. That'd be nice, but would it have to wait so long? And anyway, this is just a figment of my imagination.
I really really miss you.

aahhh 2 more mins before the 25th of oct is over!!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS EVER...MY DARLING CHERL FRANCESCA TAN!!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!!

AND MAY WE NEVER GROW APART AND BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ALWAYS!

<3

So these 2 days its mostly been Festival of Sports going on in school. Everyone seems so much darker and tanner now, especially since the sun has been BLAZING hot. roasty and toasty!!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...

it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.

i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!

怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重

i feel like i'm having some mental breakdown. i don't know why this is happening, why its suddenly so strong.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.

-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --

and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.

that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.

and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.

i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.

thanks for always caring a whole fat lot.



yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.

to even think it was possible was already a huge, stupid mistake in itself.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.

sometimes, i think, forget it. seriously, just, whatever. i give so much, put in so much effort, but i don't get anything in return. i'm done done done trying to always be the one. if you all can't appreciate, give A LITTLE ITTY BIT of reciprocation, FINE. WHATEVER. at least, i know that out there, there are people who do care. and they are the ones who matter.

-

i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.

today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.

the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.

why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.

i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.

and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

when i see them, it reminds me so much of you and i.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.

how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.

so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.

I have a 3 hour session with raymond later today.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.

damm indeed.

Finally, a proper conversation and proper goodnight.and a smile which so rarely comes out from you. thank you.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.

and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.

damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.

i'm always scared to come online.

what is wrong with you seriously. REPLY ME!!!
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(



I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T

Somewhere out there (in Singapore, at Marina Bay to be exactly specific), the nation and the rest of the world is partying, celebrating a closing of a wonderful, memorable event. And I.....meanwhile.....have just finished a round of econs tuition and am preparing to go for math tuition. and when I get back, tutorials and pw to be done.
This is utterly depressing.
Last day the athletes are going to be here and staying at the yov.
Tom Daley :(

(music can really distort your mood)

PINK. It doesn't show up that well but, oh well.
2 more days left before the YOG is over. And then, back to boring. Well, i KNOW i wasn't involved with the games, but at least there was SOMETHING taking place in the country, something happening and exciting, something which brought SO MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER. I love this International stuff, where you get to meet different people and interact with them, make many valuable friends, learn about different cultures. yes, sounds like the normal and typical globalisation and cultural exchange experience, but this is what i really do enjoy. Especially if i get to meet people from the countries which i am interested in.
But I can't talk as if I actually did all those things, because i didn't. Even though i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED) WANTED TO. I really really REALLY wanted to be more involved and actually in the action of things in the YOG. And I really feel EXTREMELY GUTTED (HAHAHA A NEW EXPRESSION I LEARNT FROM TOM DALEY - reading all the reports about him and his interviews) that i didn't get to be one of those people in the purple yog shirts. Seriously, everytime I see one of those purple people...........you do NOT know how absolutely jealous i am of them. and its going to end so soon, and never coming back, and i never will get to do anything.
it marks 2 more days too, that Tom Daley is going to be here in Singapore. He probably won't ever really come back since he doesn't have reason to and he lives so faraway. asgfbasjgbasgbasgb i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED AGAIN) WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't enjoy fangirling. Though I must admit I am highly susceptible to it. I don't enjoy it cos when i occasionally indulge in it, i go ALL CRAZY. And I don't like this because its irrational and illogical. But yet, it kind of (for me at least) offers me some other hope and life to my otherwise shitty, boring, mundane and plain old education academic lifestyle. =.=
But Tom Daley is really someone I want to meet. sigh. being irrational and impossible here. i will definitely NOT get so see him though he is just right HERE, right HERE IN THIS COUNTRY which is soooo small i could travel anywhere around it!!!! The perfect opportunity going to waste. How totally totally wasted. I am really depressed about this. I am not joking, even though i sound like i am. i am really really upset and depressed about this.

was SUPERBLY upset and depressed that we couldnt watch russel and jabez too. how absolutely horrid to not be allowed to support both our classmates playing in the same match, especially the USA one. the intensity of it, and the importance of it... :( we missed all that.
well. 2 more days. i'm still going to miss all this yog fever though. and having Tom Daley here too, of course. :(

Once again, Romantic is playing. And the one who reminds me of everything, and who will definitely be the one who pops up in my head, is there. after so long, almost a week i think, of not being there.
i feel nothing now, no need or urge, because i am living in a dream and thinking of the impossible. when i say i am depressed, i really am. i'm NOT joking even though it might just seem superficial, flighty, bimbotic stuff.

i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.

today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.

as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.

well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.

missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!

don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........

that smile could melt me anytime though.

but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.

but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.

it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.

Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.



SERIOUSLY.

i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.

today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.





on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.