这是你第二年的清明。
我知道，到时候，我必须为你扫墓。只是。。。在我二十三年的生活，我从来没想过我需要为您做这件事，似乎觉得你会永远活下去。
但，死亡不就是生存最明确的对比吗？

回到一个没有了你的家，是我生活中最难做的事。

泪干了。

没想到这果然会那么难。

If I could go there.. 

To the place where time is told differently.. 

... Then maybe... We could be together 

Been listening more to Jay Chou's songs recently.. especially his newer ones.. but the question I have to ask myself is not

怎么了but 怎么办

sigh. 

...well maybe a bit of the former too because I'm not entirely sure I know what's going on.

You're not real. so what do I even care? Or what and why should I even care. You'll never be real. 

Better surround and immerse myself in reality.
And Oh I should just wipe and erase this whole thing out because. as I have said. You're.Not.Real. Oh I must keep drumming this into my head. 

Yup. It doesn't exist. :)

I was never meant to see you again. 


And I'm stuck in a moment that wasn't meant to last.

sometimes you just know, you know?

我真的不懂怎么开口。不懂该说什么。

But that is the very first step. And I will have to do alot more beyond that if it does indeed get me somewhere. 

It runs far far deeper than even I could imagine. The heartache, the longing, the missing, the yearning.

And deep beneath it all, probably the most painful, heartbreaking and gut-renching of it all.. the regret.

It still haunts me every night. No matter how I may make excuses, justifications, or try to deny it, I know I don't actually agree with them. And I never will.

Ever since coming back, I don't feel the same way about things. What used to be my favourite activities.. Well I don't feel any incentive or motivation to do any of them anymore. I don't feel anything and I look past things and when I look at things, I see hills, mountains, rivers.. And many more things instead. The gorgeous, mesmerising and never-ending landscapes from the train.. Old towns and cities.. Some autumn trees here and there, red, gold, amber...faces, smiling and laughing and looking at me with genuine warmth.... Seeing all my memories.

Well perhaps people see me differently now too, or feel different about me. Some things seem lost to me now. Over the course of the last half year, they've probably found their own sense of belonging too and we now seem to exist in completely different worlds. Never overlapping, never intersecting.. Or probably never bothering to. 

脑海里 你的笑容太彻底

" Can I go forward when my heart is here?

Turn back, dull earth, and find thy center out. "

把他忘记
重复告诉自己

It's exactly 2 more weeks. We'll never get a chance. I don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself and get over that Sunday and stop beating myself up over it.  The only thing which makes it a little better was that you asked after me. Thank you for that. But I'm sad we will never get that chance. 
"The briefest moment shared with you- the longest on my mind."

While I may have had to do things a bit differently from everyone else because I stay somewhere else, I feel so fortunate to have chosen this place and I wouldn't give it up for the world. There must have been some reason for me to have been given this place, and I'm so so thankful to have met everyone I have during my time here. You all truly let me see what life and passion is.

I can't deny that 
My eyes light up more,
My ears perk up more,
My smile is brighter,
And 
My heart and steps are that much lighter,
Like everyday and everything presents a wonderful, pleasant, happy surprise. 
You standing right at the door, waiting with that.. that smile, which is brilliant and blinding yet sceptical and somewhat teasing, was a surprise to perhaps, the both of us.

I'm going to miss this.. I guess...  In 41 days.. That still sounds like a long time away (more than a month!!).. Ugh too far for comfort. These last 5 weeks here are killing and stifling me and I cannot cannot wait for it to end!!! 

I guess it's okay to feel how I feel, to do what I do, and to want to do what I do. After all, that's just being me. I do wonder though, if I keep running and running and running...eventually I'll have to stop right? There'll definitely come a time when you feel too exhausted and will stop, or you've finished that particular route... No more paths to go or run. So, okay, maybe I'll just continue until I'm absolutely worn out, weary, and tired to my bones. Because even I can't continue forever. Just like how I got over them and just accepted it after crying and a whole lot of missing, I can and will do it again.. And again. Forever always only feeling the impact at the very last minute and when time is running out. Sigh. 

And that's only if you let me.

Swirling maelstrom of thoughts. As usual. Though it's always probably about nothing and unimportant. As usual. I wish I could stop thinking sometimes. I really should. I don't know how though. Tell me how :( just keep being unable to stop thinking about it or whirling the thoughts around my head that I thought maybe writing something out here would help but then my thoughts are always so silly, meaningless, inconsequential and immaterial that I don't even know what and why I'm thinking about or writing. Ok this hasn't really helped and I don't think anything can help and I don't even know how to get help from this lol but on another note ughhh please may my blocked and runny nose be gone tmr!!!

Expect nothing, appreciate everything. This is truly the credo I should live by and which I should remind myself of all the time. 
So. Appreciate that he doesn't ignore me, well at least and not yet. Because I've heard way too many times about unpleasant cases where either party just disappears or never hears anything at all. 
And, appreciate the bright and bedazzling morning. I'm so glad I decided to turn around and its also immensely thanks to sheer luck that I look around and managed to recognise something and that I decided to double check. :) ;) 

'You don't even look at me'
*baffled, flabbergasted, speechless and absolutely not knowing what to say* '...what?!?!?!'
*awkwardly patting*  'no, you look very handsome today.' *speaking the absolute truth which actually needed some courage to be summoned to say that line.*
*maior eye -rolling and deliberately not looking at me* 
*still speechless and baffled and flabbergasted* -.- sigh. Maybe doing wrong all the time lol sigh.

I don't want to wake up because then I'll have to stop dreaming and I don't want to stop dreaming because only in my dreams will we be able to talk endlessly and timelessly.

Inexplicably, irrevocably and irreversibly drawn.