~^* A Dreamy Fairy^+~

2011-12-31T18:28:00.004+08:00

I'm on a bus now and I'm using my phone while the battery is already in critical mode but I still feel like bidding goodbye to this year. I guess I feel pretty sentimental seeing it go, and I feel extremely insecure about the coming year. After I got back from Europe the year just came to the end so quickly, and it really struck me so hard that it's finally ending. The year so many of us have been dreading... We've finished with it and things are just moving on. I still have trouble believing our a levels have come and gone... Well. And now we're out from jc life too. Jc taught me lots of things, and while I wouldn't say it was the best and happiest times, there are things I am grateful for. I got to meet many new, different types of people and learnt many things and had many internal struggles and conflicts. For 2011, it was about growing closer to some people, maybe finding out who will stick around and who won't, mending, repairing, letting go, growing. Facing certain absolutions, facing some things that I cannot change and things which will never be the same. In others eyes, i havent grown perhaps, but i have learnt and felt many things which inguess still need work on. I may never really be able to find the precise footing for myself and figure out where exactly I stand in certain things but well, we'll let the new year take its course. He will be there to guide me along.

Reaching my aunts house soon, and I am glad I am finally seeing my (extended) family and spending the new year with them.

Have a happy new year everyone! <3 have lots of fun and have great celebrations! May the coming year be a successful and fruitful one and if u should meet with obstacles and hardships, may you have the strength to overcome them.

And in the new year, continue listening to kyuhyun's awesome rich smooth deep velvety voice, g dragon's smooth suave cool rapping, super junior and big bang!!

Hahaha okay don't roll your eyes.

Shall blog again soon!!! I guess~ :P take care!

2011-12-06T23:34:00.004+08:00

*^*(%*(%(% off. damn hurt. AGAIN.
i must seriously tell myself.
IT.DOESN'T.MATTER.

BUT.
HOW COULD YOU ALL JUST BE SO INDIFFERENT AND FLING ME OUT OF YOUR LIVES?!
how could you just forget me?! or didn't want?
you haven't asked after...thanks alot. it hurts ALOT OKAY.i don't mean a single (%@*^%@w%@ to you right?!?!
now that all of whatever and whoever has come in....hello.do i even mean anything to you? am i anyone to you at all?

and i am up to here with the tolerating.all this anger, hurt, sadness.
fine. just BE THAT WAY. OKAY?!?! JUST BE LIKE THAT!!!!!!

and i'll just keep telling myself that IT DOESNT MATTER. YOU/YOU ALL (now, since its so damn obvious what i do NOT mean to you all...) don't matter, seriously. and i don't care about you...but it always hurts that....what....how you all so obviously view me. and how i have just been replaced and overtaken and overlooked, all the time, always.
it totally feels like that.so.
fine.

I really reeeaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyy feeel soooooo angry right now. because this time the hurt and sadness is just too much and there is so much to bear. and maybe because i have been supressing it and just telling myself it is not there...and thats why it is at an exploding point.

seriously, if people are like that. i must really. just let it go.

really feel like its getting sooooooo hard to communicate with all of you. and i am becoming sooooo tired of it....and of always having to be the first one.

2011-11-21T21:02:00.002+08:00

i should blog about happier and nicer things.
exams make me feel so disconnected from everything at times, and sometimes i just feel like cooping myself up in my own world...my own world made up of....hmmmm...i don't know...myself i guess. heh. but then i miss my friends :( and i apologize...
I wanted to blog about this last time when it happened, because i really REALLY felt so happy and glad for it...but i never got down to doing so.

talking on the phone, late late, REEEALLLLYY LATE into the night with some of my closest and bestest friends really make me feel so happy. just talking about anything and everything, and all the talking just seems to fall into place. it makes me giggly too. HAHAHA. laughing about stupid things we say...talking about things which we would never dare say or reveal in front of others, because only they know our deepest feelings, and probably share them even.
I really treasure those talks...and i guess doing it during such periods of times really make me cherish them even more.

Aaaaaand, my heart is hurting so much. I got the mnet tickets. (OUCH) and i have to live like a miser to recoup the cost back. LOL. OUCH. what to do...they were the only available ones left...i hope i DO get to see who and what is on stage. I'm wondering if i should wear my heels...or....does anyone have like 29257120 cm high shoes to lend me? then i will DEFINITELY be able to see the people on stage MUAHAHA.
these are the times I wish I were as tall as Russel :P
big bang and 2pm better come!!!!!
Though when I look at the ticket, and imagine who I'lll be seeing...SUPERJUNIOR :D ...and at that time, my ipod was playing MR SIMPLE, and leeteuk's part came on and I was imagining his earnest, smiley face, and his bouncy brown hair which flops about when he dances so enthusiastically, i couldnt help but smile...and all the heart pain went away...hehehe. Sigh I'm so incorrigible and ridiculous.
ALL'S GOOD MAN :)
I seriously want to go and tour around town and see the christmas decor. It sounds pretty cool! Especially the marina bay/esplanade area. Motion sensor reindeers??? COOL.
And it seems like Orchard Central is decked out in pink and has been transformed into a pink Christmas wonderland!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE.I WANT TO GO AND SEE!!!!

well As are ending sooooon. just 2 papers left.

2011-11-21T20:47:00.003+08:00

sometimes the hurt courses through me, fast, deep and strong. it really really hurts. so. what am i to you? because i don't communicate with you (as) often, maybe you or you all don't feel close to me anymore. its probably something i shouldn't be worried about or something i shouldn't think about. maybe i brought it upon me myself. but well i really don't know. all i know is that i really feel hurt by it. its not that the rest that matters, because they don't. but you do, you know? hurts that maybe you don't love me as much anymore, that you don't love me as much as i love you :( that over time, our closeness and friendship will just continue to be eroded more and more. i don't really know what to do either. but i guess i know that if our friendship was strong and true, it wouldn't be broken or torn apart so easily and by such inexistent and stupid things.
so the hurt takes its course, flowing through me...of course it'll eventually stop, but how many times do i have to feel this way?
i really really hope you still treat me as one of your closest and bestest friends, as i will always do.
and i'm sorry i'm so weak, or feel hurt so easily. but i guess its because you matter SO MUCH to me. truly.

2011-10-31T23:32:00.002+08:00

so i guess i'll just have to restrain restrain RESTRAIN myself.
i won't and can't do anything even if i were to do so anyway.

guess i'll just have to let it go.
let it go.

i'm always having too far-fetched, far-flung, impossible, stupid and ridiculous ideas. that just end up disappointing me, disappointing my highly imaginative and fantasy and idealistic mind.
it doesn't hurt to dream (right?) but actually, does. the disappointment...well i guess it doesn't exactly hurt but it just gives you that rock bottom feeling.

guess this time its really just not able to even come close to working out.sigh. stupid fate.
don't know what to do but i guess i really shouldn't even be allowing you to have any of my time at all during this period!!

argh. just forget and let it go....sigh.
fine.goodbye. i guess i won't even feel like it matters after a while. or care. after all, its really absolutely nothing. and its stupid. and ridiculous. just like me and my thoughts.

i can't really put the way it feels down in words.
bleh.

2011-09-29T23:51:00.002+08:00

vapid out of place displaced lost everything.
i miss you all so so so so much. but i dont think i can communicate that well enough. i want to say so much, but this only allows me to say that much. i feel like i'm choking, swimming, drowning in how much i miss you all...how empty it all feels, how far away. you were all mine before, but now...it doesn't feel so...
no longer mine...no longer with me...no longer needing me.
and then i guess it just drifts further and further away. when it seems like you are not needed, you push yourself away.
...i guess?
its just a feeling of not wanting to intrude.pushing myself away from it all, locking away the deep deep hurt.
actually it doesn't really matter. regarding them, it doesn't. really. but its when it feels so empty.and when it seems they have been lost and gone, far far away, both physically and emotionally.
you really don't need me............
.....................
........
and....
i just..........

i just miss you all so much.i don't think u all can feel how much i miss you all.because sometimes (usually, i guess, to you all...and well, so, modern technology has won, won you all over, and since i don't have that...it seems like i don't care at all...but i really do, SO MUCH SO MUCH. everyday i miss you all, think of you all, wish you all were here with me...) no matter, you all will always be in my hearts, even if you all don't need me...i will always love you all. and hopefully, you all will never forget that, and will always be able to feel that love and support, even if i am eroded from your minds and hearts.

all at the wrong time...

2011-08-30T23:34:00.002+08:00

ok really wrong time to be blogging right now but i just feel so incomplete.
nothing to do with studies or work or academics though yes those are HIGHLY DEFINITELY INCOMPLETE AND WILL NEVER EVER BE COMPLETE...
though yes, prelims start tomorrow and HENCE, the REALLY WRONG TIME TO BE BLOGGING RIGHT NOW BUT...

dammit.
i hate feelings of incompletion.
not like i am supposed to be included but still.
still.
should've said good night, goodbye, have a safe flight.....etc ....
leaving at 7am tomorrow and probably not ever going to see them again.
i'll miss the laptop, (really soft) bag, guide book....
I don't know why, I don't even know them and yet......
.....
i will still miss them. their presence, their very essence.
maybe so.
or maybe, i'm just too idiotic about all these kinda things.
maybe, its what they stand for and remind me of.
man feel so knotted up right now, and kinda sad.
i know its a globalised world, and people never stay static and they move around all the time.
but.
sigh.

i should just go to bed.
let it go. they weren't even "mine" in the first place, and i guess maybe someday i'll find my own.

and you know, sometimes the things you do, really hurt me through and through. maybe you don't mean it, but still. i mean, come on, someone i barely met being nicer than my own blood?!

so good night....and goodbye.
goodbye from the very depths of my heart.

2011-06-03T00:10:00.002+08:00

stupid twitter is down, and i have so many (short) things I want to just blurt out.
its supposed to be a happy time, but truthfully, i just want to cry right now, and i just feel so hurt.
maybe not as hurt as i would have been, but still hurt, and sad.
since u are like that, i really know i shouldn't even bother. tearing myself up over this?!?! it is TOTALLY stupid. DOWNRIGHT IDIOTIC.
But I still am bothered by it. I still am. I honestly wish you could just do...a very tiny little bit more.
and i'm really sorry that i can't just let everything go like that, and not let such things affect me. i know i have so many other people out there who genuinely care about me and who will put in the effort, but i'm sorry you guys, i'm still affected by it all.
i know i should not think about all this, and just be thankful and grateful to my lovely friends who do so much for me and try to make me happy always and have always been by my side in all ways, and i really am thankful for them.
but i really hate how things change with time. All the changes, with those people...it hasn't been for the better.
And right now, I just don't feel like saying anything at all, or talking to anyone.
argh. stop being so stupid seriously.

on another hand, i was really touched, by someone's sincerity. thank you.

2011-05-02T10:16:00.002+08:00

Resigned to having to study forever for 26 more weeks (as Raymond just reminded us yesterday...) That's just slightly more than 6 months. I really do want to give my all, and hopefully I'll be able to do it.
I keep wanting to blog, because so many things have been happening in my life, and I like putting things down into words. Although sometimes, you're so exhausted by your feelings and all that you just want to ignore everything, or that you become numb, and can't even feel anything anymore.

This morning, some of my cousins are going out for a late breakfast. I'm craving something hot. :( But I can't go. Sigh. Resigned. But I got to spend time with them on Saturday! For Tua Ee's birthday celebration. This past 2 years, it somehow seems that we grew closer, in feelings. To me, it seems like we realized we're family, and each time we get together nowadays, we always try to have as much fun, talk as much as we can, laugh and smile. It warms my heart that even though we're growing older, we can still have so much fun and happiness together. I'm so so so glad that I have my family with me, who will always be able to let me feel loved no matter what. I was so afraid that as we grew older, we might grow distant and further apart from one another. But I can't deny the fact that I don't talk to kkj as much now, and it makes me sad :( He used to tease me alot about Freddie Highmore last time, and all the celeb "bfs" that I had...we all used to play ice and water and video games together when we were younger. I remember running around the table in Em's woo mon chew house, playing ice and water and some twister video game. And how kkc brought us drain exploring and did all sorts of crazy things, and how we'd play crocodile (or whatever I can't remember the name of the game) in the pool at kallang swimming complex, where we all took lessons together and where Em always gave attitude to our swimming teacher HAHAHA. Sure, some things have definitely changed, and I miss those parts of our childhood, but to be able to feel so loved with them and by them, well, what can i say, I love my extended family to absolute bits as well, and wouldn't give up any time that I can spend with them.
This year we went to catch the LION KING musical together. It was FANTASTIC. The show was amazing and up til now, I'm still dreaming about the utopian forest. The props and scenes were stunning. And even though its all humans and human creation, they could portray the jungle and the animals so well. I remember the people who came out with the grass on their heads, swaying their bodies like how grass and weeds sway in the wind. It was beautiful. Some of their heads must have felt so heavy, but wow, they managed to do it! And the musical just rekindled my love for disney and all its music. The baboon was hilarious and I loved Scar's sacarstic and dry humour. The little boy playing Simba was soooo tiny and cute! Reminded me so much of Christian, who was also watching it with us that day. hahaha! There was one part where the boy had to run out and he ran out by the aisle of the seats at my side!!!!! so tiny and cute! :D Anyway, don't miss the Lion King! I would TOTALLY watch it again if it were possible :P Tickets, anyone?? :D
I remember playing badminton with Emma, Amanda, Mel, Marcus and Josh sometime in March too, the week after block test 1. I had such an enjoyable time with them, and a very good workout too! And found out that the SIA sports club had actual airplane seats in their pub, and I also realized WHY after a while...do you all know WHY?? :P And I remember going to Evan's house too, although I went really late. And we played blind mice, and retarded Marcus's comment before we started..."nooooo can we not play it, I have many friends in Tampines!" (because apparently, he's old and mature and cannot play blind mice with us LOL)
And mel, em and I also made a trip down to Wild Wild Wet after my chem blocks! :D Spent so much time lazing around in the shiok river, and stupid mel was evading and trying to hide AHEM...LOL. But everything was for naught anyway. I'm just looking forward to the next time I'm gonna be spending with them :)
on a side note, Marcus is going into the army on Wed. Best of luck for these 2 years! Hope you'll get all the postings and everything that you want. :) I'm sure you can do it and conquer these 2 years! And may you make lots of wonderful friendships. Please come back and share funny stories with me...I love hearing funny stories from army. And that's why I kinda miss my brother being in the army, and hearing funny stories about Leftanant Teo. And my brother looking good and fit. HAHA. LOL Marcus already kinda shaved his hair and I thought he had already enlisted! Well, do know that I'm always supporting you cousin! :D

...because i always feel kinda sentimental like that when my close guy friends/family enter the army...it's like their on their way to growing up and embarking on a different journey which leaves me (and their family and everyone else they have known) behind, and where they venture out on their own.

So even as we lose people along the way in our lives, and feel the hurt, sadness, anger and pain, we must remember those who love us. Maybe it was this all that made me remember who I still have, and who I will always have. It made me more aware of who are the important people in my life, and who is worth cherishing and loving. Who will always stand and stay by me no matter what.
Thanks to my SC and Primary school friends who make up part of that group above, Christy and my darling MCS CCA friends. and some (pretty surprising) friends too, who bother enough...Karthik. :)
I'm thankful I have all these people in my life. Really. Who keep me sane and who help me keep going in life. I love you all.

alright. I have so much else to blog about, but for now I think I need to go and study first. SPA on wed!!! arhhh! Hopefully it'll be my LAST EVER. (exam oriented one), just like I completed my LAST EVER timed 2.4km run this year!!!! WHOOO!
OKAY.BACK DOWN TO REALITY.STUDY.
B.Y.E

2011-03-13T20:22:00.002+08:00

Haven't been in a good mood today.
I don't want to go for raymonds.

not without you.

he's going to kill me, i havent done his work.
i'm in a bad mood.
my phone's not working.
bad mood bad mood bad mood!!!

2011-02-05T23:43:00.004+08:00

is it really so hard for people to extend a hand?
i am a person who can feel low and horrible too, who is able to be hurt, to feel empty, lonely, sad and wounded, and i do need people who can take my load, instead of always transferring theirs to me and expecting me to always do it.
yes, i love you and i will take it, i always will, but i think you should offer to take mine too, without me having to ask. right?
does everyone think, because i always don't show anything at all, that i don't have my fair share of emotional problems and depression?
i know everyone is tired and sick, and so much more busy than i am, and truly, i want you guys to take care and rest well. you all don't have any obligation to, i know, and well, you really don't have to.
but sometimes, i really do need it. okay?!?! is it really that hard?! do those who are closest to me not understand at all as well?!

you. i seriously have a strong love-hate relationship with you.
fine.
talk to those who are popular, talk to those who have the popular gossip, are the talk of the school, and have the inside information which noone else knows about. talk about things which i don't know about, talk in pairs, talk to me only when u want to show u can be a diva by knowing so many people. just leave me behind, knowing i am obviously not there inside, though i really do try my very best. seriously. yes, talk to me only when the rest are not talking to you, but then, behind my back, make it up with everyone and form those insider bonds which i know nothing about, and talk about that which you proudly made in front of me. talk to me about how popular you are and how everyone wants to talk to you or be with you. sigh. sure. yes. i have to just sit quietly and take it all in.
just let everything breeze past me, fly over my head and talk over me.
you make me feel so small, insignificant, and low, and making yourself be the one who shines and seem like the always perfect, goody-2-shoes making way for me. ha.
you want to be popular and shine in the limelight right?
well, go right ahead. thats what u're best at and what u aim to do right? do so then.
leave me behind and give me the diva treatment, fine, whatever.

alright when i get upset i tend to overthink and feel over-emotional for some time.probably also escalated by the fact that those close to me weren't with me today :( but seriously. noone really cares do they? sigh. fine. though, i'm tired of all those who don't listen to me, and who REALLY don't bother, but just use me to take off THEIR load, which i honestly don't mind, but please, i really do have feelings too, in case you haven't noticed.
i guess i'm already used to feeling this sense of not belonging ANYWHERE, ESPECIALLY THERE, and just feeling lonely and alone...though it still hurts and stings everytime.

2011-01-26T22:05:00.002+08:00

And so, its the third week of school, and its the midweek!!! I feel like I'm just counting down to the end of each week, and the end of each DAY (when I'm in school) every week. How will i be able to last if I'm already counting down at the beginning of the year?? sighs. school, work, a levels and everything that's waiting in my life right now just fills me with dread. NOT a good sign nor a good start. Tomorrow the new cohort is coming in...oh well, I highly doubt it'll make much of a difference to us. I do remember getting the sms of my posting last year though. Brings back memories, hmm...not very pleasant probably? But, it was the start of my journey leaving you behind a closed door.

"So, Hwa Chong huh?", you asked, leaning against the pillar, looking at me and raising you eyebrows, something like amusement and slight awe on your face, then a hardening of your features...thinking, perhaps?
"Yeah......"

"So how's it?"...... "You would've been happier there..."

Today I showed R my favourite first 30 seconds from the Big Bang Tell Me Goodbye MV, which features a very very hot GD! :D haha! Can't say it invoked much response from him...but I guess the silence must be because he was too awed and became speechless right? And cx says I am subjective in my views because of how I feel towards GD and he says I am totally biased toward them HAHAHA :D Nah, I'm not that crazy that I think everything they do is God-like or something. But I guess I just like their style. I do know that GD is not exactly handsome, with perfect features and all, but he is really the epitome of COOL AND STYLISH. I like how he can carry off almost (all) styles and whatever wacky crazy clothing he has, and is also daring in experimenting. His ability to compose songs is also what makes me respect him, as well as how he seems to be so at ease and comfortable at being on stage and performing. His photos and poses are always varied and picture perfect. He also doesn't outwardly and openly command attention and grab all the limelight, but takes a humble stance and doesn't mind if he is pushed behind. He has a seriously CUTE side to him as well, childish, yet also a really sexy, mature, hip-hoppy and bad-boy kinda image. OKAY. All fans will say such things, and you probably think I'm still being biased, but I guess this is why I like him so much. And he really deserves our respect. In fact, I am amazed at Korean's booming and well-known pop culture and industry. Even though it has been hampered by the "slave contracts" incidences, it has really made an impact on the whole world, or at least, made its presence FELT.
The stars go through a lot to make it that big, and I truly respect them for going through all that to come up to where they are.

I can listen to big bang songs over and over and over again, and never get tired of them. Is it just because my ears especially love those songs, or is it because of the way the songs are composed? HAHA. I find myself closely analyzing and listening to big bang songs more carefully when I hear them now. I try and figure out who is singing which part, and what little effects the song has. I loved Seungri's solo songs, So what do you want me to do and VVIP, so much! They get me high and happy everytime. I can't wait for bb's new album, hopefully then there'll be more songs which can get me happy and high. :) I REALLY HOPE to see DANCING in their new album too, oh PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. ARGH CAN'T WAIT FOR THEIR ALBUM! :D

Alright, enough writing a post which probably 1295125 other people in the world are also writing about and have the same opinions and comments about.
Recently, I've also fallen in love with "PERFECT"- done by JCO (I think he did a cover for this song which was originally Jason Derulo's song), AND "NEVER KNEW I NEEDED" by NEYO. The second song, I knew about, but only recently have I been ACTUALLY LISTENING TO THE LYRICS, and realizing that, HEY, THAT'S MY LIFE.

SWIM TEST TMR FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. We won't get to see the J1s stepping into the school officially! :( DARN.
Well, its just another day in school, and its running Monday's timetable so there will be econs tutorial. Let's all say: ARGH. sighs.
Alright, cheer up, its THURSDAY. AND CNY IS C O M I N G SO VERY VERY SOON!!!

that hole...

2011-01-12T23:23:00.002+08:00

Today I went there for Chem. The door was locked, so I did the usual, going down those steps and then coming to that big open space. And I could see you, picture you right there, playing and having fun with the rest of the guys that day when raymond was late, and we were all waiting for him.
Then I go and stand at the area in the big open space where u can look down all the way to the first floor. There're 2 of those (hmmm lets call it...) "viewing bays" there. And I see you walking to the lifts from one of them, and from the other, walking away, back home, with sm beside me once. and she laughed at you, saying the way you walked far away from the others was cool.
After a while, I go back up to the flat to see if its been unlocked. There, I see you arriving, walking down the stairs to the flat, surprise written on your face when you see the crowd of people gathered outside waiting. You leaning over the staircase railing, close to me (not intentionally of course), and i see your long eyelashes...and remember the swift physical closeness...of course.
When I enter the flat, I see the little cosy room where we used to gather and sit. The aeroplane styled arrangement of the seats during the morning tests...
When I enter the room, the familiar smell hits me, bringing me back once again. I vision the classroom with everyone. If I'm sitting in front, I am painfully aware of how I once turned around from that spot, and got to know you, and how, before that, I sat next to you in front. That was when I leaned away from you in fright, not knowing you, and you, leaning away from me as well, never looking my way or talking to me at all.
I vision you at the back too, at your usual place. Sometimes that made it hard to see you during class.

And all this makes me realize, I have a hole left in me, after all this ended. A hole which can really never be patched up, a hole which I can never get over and fill. Never ever. The time will never come again, the kind of people will never be the same again, and never will I be in that situation with someone like you, and who is that important to me. And so, its something I've lost, and with it, lost abit of myself too. Something which will stay empty in me forever.
Sometimes, I think that these memories are so far away. And they are, too. Some happened 2 years ago. T W O YEARS AGO. TWO. This makes it even seem like they might not have happened. The time spent and the memories created, sometimes seem so short, swift and not lasting that it feels like they have been caught in the wind and immediately taken far far away. It seems like something not tangible, and indeed it is not, for it is only a part of my memory. Images I can only see from my mind.
But then, at times, ESPECIALLY when I am back there, everything comes back to life again. I vision everything as it were before, and the hole inside me grows bigger. Then, those memories seem so real, so tangible, and I can almost really see everyone there again, seeing all your expressions, remembering your smiles and words and actions.

I thought with so much time having passed by, it would numb all these. But, yes, I can never get over.
It really was the best time of my life. You guys were perfect, and we were a perfect combination with raymond. it was the best class, and the feeling i got when i went was the best feeling ever. it was the best, being able to have you there too.
I can't do this anymore.
It's only been the first 3 days of school. But, I really feel like I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what "this" is exactly, but, I just know, I can't take this hole, this feeling.
missu.LOTS.

i don't cry on the outside, but inside, my heart weeps. buckets and buckets of silent tears. it feels sad alright.

2011

2011-01-06T11:57:00.002+08:00

It's a new year, and time for the new year talk! haha!
mmmm, 2011 huh.
well, 2010 has been...a year, with a whole lot of different experiences. Its a year in which so many different things happened, and a year in which my whole world seemed to turn upside down and change completely, that I can't believe just a year has passed by. However, it also seems that the year has passed by so quickly, and my secondary 4 days seem to have been just over only yesterday.
2010 was a hard year emotionally. Work-wise, of course. A level stuff is SO DIFFERENT from o level stuff that I really have no confidence at all when taking whatever tests, exams, assignments and quizzes. AT ALL. NONE. ZERO. Yes, have confidence and all...but I really don't. Chem, the science which I used to be best at, is now my worst subject in my whole life history. I have never passed a single test/quiz/exam/assignment. never. And the geog content is so deep and hard to remember, I studied rocks for an entire day for promos and nothing went in. NOTHING. Okay, I probably am studying the wrong way and too last minute...but, I don't know how to make it go in and STICK IN. Tell me how to have confidence. sigh.

Well ok besides the work, I met many new and interesting people in 2010. And I am thankful for meeting every single one of them, for they are all special to me. I hope that I'll be able to form even stronger and closer bonds with them in 2011, and make even more new friends.
And of course, my precious scgs friends. I hope our bonds will last forever and ever and EVER. To those who stayed constant in my life, helping me up, encouraging me, bothering to keep our friendships strong, thank you so much. My bestest and closest and strongest friendships were probably formed in secondary school. I love you guys so much and I won't ever want to drift apart from you all EVER. I really couldn't have gotten past 2010 without you all, and 2011 will be much more manageable with you all here with me.
Thank you so much Chee, Chiong, Sam, Jenn, Nat, CherylF, Yani, Val, Van, Joce, Andrea, Steph.
Thank you Christy too, for staying constant in my life and for never letting go.
Thank you Yenmy, Cheryl Sir, Charis, XinLin, Azilah, for being such a wonderful and lovely presence in my JC life, and for caring for me.
Thank you to my obliging PW mates, and for sticking it out the whole year together, never complaining and always staying positive.
Thank you to my ever AWESOME PRIMARY SCHOOL FRIENDS who also never fail to let me have a marvelous time when I'm with you all, and for always being obliging to gatherings, no matter what we do. And for cherishing our friendships from our childhood too. I love you guys so much!
Thank you to my family, aunts, uncles and cousins. I hope we'll still be able to have fun together like always, and keep our bonds strong, even as we grow older and do our own things.
Thank you Lord, for blessing me and being with me through the year.
Thank you everyone, for being with me throughout the year, and for tolerating all the rubbish from me.
Also, I want to thank you, for putting in that effort too, to stay constant in my life. If I were to lose you, my heart would really break into a thousand million pieces. Being as we are now, is better than you fading away completely. So, thank you, thank you for bothering to remember me. I hope we'll be able to keep our friendship for years and years to come. I just hope you'll be more open and forthcoming though, haha.

I've lost some things which are very dear to me in 2010. And I know my head still seems to be stuck in 2009, when I was in scgs, when I met you, saw you...and everything else. I can't erase those memories, I can't try to stop wishing that those times were back, I can't stop wanting to cry everytime I think about them, I can't stop yearning, but I can take these memories forward with me, and use them to try and bring me through 2011. I will try to not continue sticking my head in 2009, but just remember that these are memories which are something to be happy about. Of course, I think they will still have the potential to break me, but I will try very hard, for a year has passed already, and I think my insides have gotten used to the loss, and the fact that I have no other option other than keeping it as a dear, fond memory.
2010 was an interesting year, but not the best of years, as you said. Very true.
I really want to know how you felt about everything these last 2 years (:O wow! these last 2 years...wow we really are getting older and time is really moving on, but it really is these last 2 years!). Truly. 2010 was hard emotionally for me, mostly because of you. 2011 will be the similar in this part, but I know the Lord will bless me and keep me strong. Thank you for answering my frantic prayers that night.

So happy 2011 everybody! May the new year be a blessed one for all of you, filled with nothing but happiness. And let us all work hard and conquer A's!

2011-01-06T11:41:00.003+08:00

It's something I won't ever know, won't ever be able to foresee, don't EVER know, and something I definitely SHOULD NOT constantly think about.

You're back. And you were excited I guess? I was sick, so i was tired, and my mind wasn't really right on track. But I was so glad that you thought to share with me first, before I asked. I'm glad you had a great time, and that little girl, to me, she must've been the luckiest girl. Huh. Haha! I wish I could've been there with you.
That night I was happy, the usual, fleeting, momentary joy. Then I know the feeling which comes after, the thinking about what happens which makes me smile, another memory created and stored in that special box. Then after that, the wondering when the next time will be. The next time, I'm sure, i can go on waiting forever. This fleeting sense of joy is really as it is- merely fleeting. Something insubstantial. I don't know if it means anything to you, but to me, its a whole different thing. I guess I'm already used to this, these few and far between virtual talks, not ever knowing when you'll bother, never seeing you, not being able to come up with more excuses to reconnect...its been a year leading this kind of life.
And somehow I managed to do it.
And I need to do it again. To try and ignore the whole thing, whatever's going on inside of me.
But of course, I can't.

It's something I can't control even though I try.
I really do miss you, and I just can't help it, no matter what people say and how they may judge me if they knew. I really just can't.

2010-12-26T11:52:00.002+08:00

Okay I shall try to make this pretty snappy. I've got piles and piles of holiday work which i havent even touched. But I still REALLLY don't even want to go near it. sigh. really dreading it and I'm really having to forcibly drag myself to pull through that whole stack. And thats not counting revision and tests which will greet us on the first day of school. How nice. Oh well I guess this is all my Christmas presents.

Yesterday I had a great time at em's place. Dinner was awesomeee!!! Just like the christmas eve dinner at tua ee's place. Christmas food is always so delicious. The turkey, which i only ever eat during Christmas, was tender and the stuffings and sauces for it made it even more tasty! Chestnut stuffing at ah peng ee's place really tasted gooood! :D And then there's the ham, the baked cauliflower and meatballs, beef, curry, mushroom soup, lobster bisque, baguette...YUM YUM YUM!! :D

And I finally met up with most of my cousins. On Christmas eve Mel and I were just squealing and fangirling. MUAHAHA. I've influenced her to like GD, GOOD GOOD GOOD! :D but sorry, he still belongs to me ONLY. You may only look from afar, got that? :P And I had a nice talk with Darren too! And on Christmas day, it was isketch and cards all the way! So fun ehh cousins! :D hahaha! I remember when we were younger and we would always run around and play, and play so many card games until late at night. We often played blind mice too. Its getting harder to go wild and be playful as we get older. Funny how we don't find all these games as appealing as before. But nevertheless, I still had a really really wonderful time with them! Loser drinks a very tasty drink and winnder shuffles the cards! ;)

Last night though, i was really feeling not at peace. Inside, i was screaming. I need to, I want to, I have to....know and talk to you! Anxious, nervous,desperate...these aren't exactly what i was feeling. I was just feeling hmm..rather uneasy, slightly restless and just, not at peace. I don't even need to feel this way anyway, I have no obligation to, and you have no obligation to me to tell me anything too. Though just not knowing, not being able to get you, and really being clueless about it all made me feel so...i don't know, i might even say, abit afraid. Its crazy, its dumb, its absolutely baseless and irrational. But my heart was sinking with every passing minute, getting more and more restless, wondering and wondering.
and i just crashed on the bed when i got home. i was tired. about 3am i got up to go back to bed properly, and i prayed. And I thank you Lord. Thank you. I did all sorts of silly things then. I didn't even care if i would be awoken at night, with whatever stupid ringtone. I honestly NEEDED to hear from you and to know.
So there I was at night, awaking to that loud tone i myself had set. Half awake and through sleepy, droopy eyes, I saw whatever made the tone go off, and after that, falling back down onto my pillow again, and then after that unconciously getting up to reply. When I see them now, the messages were pretty far apart in time. But still, thank you for bothering. I really can't remember what went on in the wee early hours of the morning, my head's pretty clogged and i don't even know how i was able to type out what i did though it was really just one line HAHAHA. But with that, I finally found my peace again. To know.
Its not like I always know, but this time is different because you're going away. Korea. I really really REALLY want to go back there, especially with you. It would have been AMAZING.
I miss you sooo much! knowing you're not in the same place as me makes me miss you even more. and knowing you're in the place which "connects" us makes me yearn even more.
2 of the most important people to me are in Korea right now. wish i were there too.
And so I wait, with you gone, and when you're back, I'll be waiting for you to share. Please.

SAM! YOU haven't replied my text!! Y O U! TSK TSK! WORK AWAITS. SERIOUSLY, JUST GET DOWN TO IT. JUST. DO. IT.

2010-12-25T12:44:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas everybody! Merry Merry Christmas!
This time of the year again. Last year this time, everything ended. Wow, its going to be a brand new year soon. Though actually, I don't feel the NEW-ness of 2011, probably because i already know whats in store, and everything's going to just go back being what it was like in 2010.
Well anyway, its not the new year YET so we'll save the new year talk for next week. :) HAHA.
I remember last year I was in Taiwan and Hong Kong during the december period. And especially in Hong Kong, Christmas carols kept playing in all the shops. All around me I heard "Oh I wish it could be christmas every day....", "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire...", and one of my most favourite modern Christmas song, Mariah Carey's catchy "All I want for Christmas is youuuuuuu".
I remember thinking of you everytime that song played, especially that last line. And I remembered wondering if i would still feel the same way the next year (which is this year).
Well Korea did make me think about you alot. Almost everything in my world reminds me of you. Which is probably a very bad thing. But I'm slowly learning to live like that, with you apart and with us just remaining where we have moved on from. Thank you for still bothering to talk to me, never really dismissing me when i so often talk to you. I think i know why you still bother to have conversations with me, and why you often still ask about my life. And that just makes me abit more certain of the past. It always circles around my head.
EH. Since when did this post end up to be about you again???! Oh well. What to do. You're going to Korea tomorrow too. Wish we had gone during the same period :( I really want to go there with you. It would have been awesome. Japan would be great too! :D HAHA STOP DREAMING =.=
Okay I'm about to head off to my aunt's house now...MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS HOHOHOHOHO!

2010-11-16T10:27:00.003+08:00

Christmas is coming...I can feel it everywhere, see it everywhere and taste it. I can feel the general winding down period during this time of year, where everyone just kind of slows down whatever they are doing. Or maybe its just lazy me. HA.
I want to change my skin to a christmas one! I think I have some links stored somewhere..but i can't really remember where they are now. I have to find a day to put up the Christmas decorations and tree at home too! Maybe tomorrow? When the whole family will be home? Its so hard to get us all 4 together now. And even when we are together, we don't really talk. Whats happening? Teenage angst?

Its Christmastime, and the past few days have been pretty cold, even in sunny, blazing hot, humid Singapore. I've been feeling pretty cold too, physically AND emotionally. Cold and empty, sometimes like my heart has been grabbed with a freezing, icicle hand, causing it to freeze over.
I'm still upset and depressed over saturday. After that day, you've been circling my mind more than ever.
When will we EVER get a chance to sit down properly and catch up properly? With you actually making some effort too? (though yes I admit saturday was MOSTLY my fault, but YOU had some nasty contributions to it too) So, tell me, when? I don't want to have to wait so long because I know as time drags on, you'll no longer care and I'll probably cease to exist in your life. But of course, this'll never happen. You don't have reason nor do you want to meet me by yourself right? But who else can I call when everyone has just fallen apart.
I had a thought in my mind, maybe in the future, when you have finally gotten your dream and moved to Japan and opened your ramen shop, like you said last time, I'd walk in one day, and wait for you to finish, or maybe while your shop is totally empty, and we'd just sit on one of the tables and talk. That'd be nice, but would it have to wait so long? And anyway, this is just a figment of my imagination.
I really really miss you.

2010-10-25T23:58:00.002+08:00

aahhh 2 more mins before the 25th of oct is over!!!

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF MY BESTEST FRIENDS EVER...MY DARLING CHERL FRANCESCA TAN!!!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALWAYS!!!

AND MAY WE NEVER GROW APART AND BE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER!

LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND ALWAYS!

2010-10-16T00:45:00.002+08:00

So these 2 days its mostly been Festival of Sports going on in school. Everyone seems so much darker and tanner now, especially since the sun has been BLAZING hot. roasty and toasty!!
its been quite a good, nice 2 days. :) just wandering about with cheryl sir and yenmy, watching people play, laughing at the most random and funny things, enjoying the cold milo and ice creamS (:P), having freedom and being happy. on thurs we went to the gym and ran. we had the whole gym to ourselves! :D :D
it was nice to be able to be carefree and hang out with good friends!
on thurs too, i was supposed to play vball for fos. but..i didnt! ahhahaha! I just stood at the side watching, and amazing (walao under the blazing hot sun!!!) at the people in the court. WOAH their vball skills are...amazing!!! after athena played their game, we had a practice session where we learnt how to play vball. mostly about the serving. after serving a few times, my wrist already felt painful. :/
i wonder how all the other good vball players can stand hitting the ball so often and with so much strength and precision! esp when they hit with their palms...!!! w o w!!!
friday was just wandering about...watching jabez, chenxu, russel and wayne playing captain's ball, laughing at the "commentary" the other guys were giving. and then after school, while waiting for tan i was watching them play vball in the hall too. and there, i did more amazing at their vball skills. w o w!!
so fos was pretty relaxing and nice, and on top of that i got to see .. quite alot. :)
still hoping for impossibilities eh. always always. my dumb perception and beliefs and imaginations and fantasies will not change. i just hope that...

it hurts me, this dismissive attitude you give me. i can feel it, i can feel the change. no more closeness.
its been...a VERY LONG TIME. VERY. almost a year and a half. i really should stop. you know i'm saving that convo window until i shut down? come on, really.
i don't know how i can REALLY move on, REALLY be the same, REALLY just, ... let everything go.
save me, yes you.
hopefully.
but as always, this hoping never goes anywhere.

i think my blog posts are becoming abit weird. oh well. its my blog. freedom of expression!

2010-10-13T21:50:00.001+08:00

怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重

2010-10-11T15:05:00.002+08:00

i feel like i'm having some mental breakdown. i don't know why this is happening, why its suddenly so strong.
when i'm in areas which contain those precious memories, where we have spent time together, every step i take feels like a blow. every corner i turn, every shop i see, i remember. remembering what happened, what we did, the route, the faces, expressions...
and the hole in me grows larger as the blows take effect, and the loss...the loss...it is so overwhelming. so, very, overwhelming. i think of what happened, what it was like, what took place, what could have been, how i felt (happy, of course), and i think of now. where there's nothing. and i just feel that vast emptiness and sense of loss all over again.

-- i thought maybe after promos, when things would be better and i could take it, i would stop all this nonsense, but it seems to have grown. and intensified so much. W H Y?! --

and the tears just flowed. no thanks to the songs i were listening to too. they reminded me of so much. they made me think of my memories. they made me feel the loss, and the loss just engulfed me, and i just. the tears just brimmed out. twice. and i'm always on the brink of crying.
that night as i walked by myself to manda's house...being in that whole area, where i last saw you, where i last said bye to you and where i last saw that, i felt so so empty.

that whole area just breathes you, and everytime i'm there, i look around, think about you, especially, wondering if, IF, somehow, i'll bump into you there.

and today, in the morning, as i walked around that area, every step, i could just collapse from all the remembering, which has turned into loss now.
loss.
and empty.
and, sad.
i miss you, i miss the past, i miss what you remind me of, which is so much, so much that is so very precious and dear to me.
i wish there'd be someone else to help me out from this mess and stupidity. i need someone. i thought i knew someone who could, but turns out, as usual, never expect anything or imagine or hope because anyway, everything regarding this is impossible for me.
but.just. help me out from this.

i'm going to be in that area for a whole 2 days.
i think i'm going to combust.

2010-10-07T23:42:00.003+08:00

thanks for always caring a whole fat lot.

yeah right.
i always have to do the asking first, always have to show the care and concern first. its always me me me, towards everybody. and i dont get anything. seriously. i can't take this anymuch longer. why must it always be ME. me asking, caring, showing concern, putting in effort. i'm asgfasb tired of it all.
i'm feeling aosn sgbs right now. actually, always been. i just don't show. always trying to pretend, thinking maybe by doing so it might go away.
i'm sinking so deep, i know noone really has a hand out there for me to hold or grab.
people always have it going for them. people just fall over them. fine. be that way.
i know once u all have so many people showing care and concern, you dont actually have to bother much about others. oh the "care and concern", it just burns, and its so fake. you don't actually need me. don't lie, and pretend you care. because, i know you just DONT. NOT A SINGLE BIT SO JUST SHUT UP.
you don't have to wait for me you know. sometimes, i'll be glad for someone to start first. someday. somewhere. somehow.
i never get in. and it hurts so much because i truly care for people. and they probably just can't see. or take it for granted. yes. i'm so used to feeling that way.
too busy being caught up in attention, popularity and outings with others? sure yes i totally understand. go be the person everyone loves. just go. and everyone, just go too. just don't reciprocate, yes. just continue taking all this for granted. just continue to be not appreciative.
doing and trying so much, but getting absolutely nothing. it totally sucks.
i feel totally in the pits today. down and really sad. but, i have nobody here.
go ahead pretending like you care. whatever. i know the truth. once you have the world and that popularity and the people, i know you're just gonna live that life. you'll never understand how i feel, how i've felt and how i'm feeling.
its such a sickening, sinking, rotten feeling. DON'T PRETEND you know it. DON'T. you never have to.
nobody can tell that anything's wrong. are they immune or am i just damn good at acting and always acting like everything's normal. i wonder how come people just can't tell. ha.

2010-10-07T00:11:00.003+08:00

to even think it was possible was already a huge, stupid mistake in itself.
of course, i won't ever be able to know. i don't belong there.
can it just be possible? is there even the slightest, tiniest chance or possibility?
its so totally useless.
what i think or feel, is absolutely stupid and foolish and i make it up myself so i should just shoot myself right now.

2010-10-03T01:10:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i think, forget it. seriously, just, whatever. i give so much, put in so much effort, but i don't get anything in return. i'm done done done trying to always be the one. if you all can't appreciate, give A LITTLE ITTY BIT of reciprocation, FINE. WHATEVER. at least, i know that out there, there are people who do care. and they are the ones who matter.

-

i missed you today.
after seeing you for quite a few consecutive days, maybe i got used to it, too used to it.
i think of you alot, do you too?
i don't know if this will disappear. i don't want it to.
i need this distraction, for pulling away, for letting go.
but i don't want it to just remain flat. NO.
more and deeper i hope, i pray.
let me know and understand you better. hopefully.
i'm not even sure what i really feel, but i want it to develop.
its time to go somewhere else, to take a different step, to open a different door...
can you be the one to help me up? pull me through? i hope so. i don't want anyone else. not now.
praying praying praying...it's always prayers to the rescue for me.

2010-09-15T21:02:00.002+08:00

today was pretty sucky, especially the later part of the day. ESPECIALLY math. i was majorly embarrassed and i know ong was humiliating me so that really really REALLY just made me asngtagbag. all for the sake of?! freaking pw. disgusting stuff. i seem to be turning into a bad student..? today i didnt hand in my questions to rlee, made ong angry, and amy hates me.
sorry rlee. :( i'll do more i WILL. like right NOW after i finish this ha.

the only thing pretty good was the cab ride with r and j. lol thanks so much! i got a cab ride to tanah merah. been a LONG time since i took a cab all the way back to my area from sch.
i don't know why i'm not spelling ppl's names out in full. not that i wanna hide their identities or anything, just that i'm lazy to type it out. the result of just feeling absolutely SIANNED.
this exam period seems to be changing people. all the stressed emotions are spilling out, and i can feel myself just wanting to become like that too, wanting to just go around, sianning about life, not talking, being down and depressed and beat up about work. its so easy to just go under. but we will not. i will not. i WILL STUDY AND CONTINUE TO BE HAPPY. RIGHT?
so much easier typing it out than done LOL. not like i'm even studying and not like i'm even being ms sunshine.

why this lack of motivation? i have no idea either. i don't even want to comment about that.
i could cry. at this point of time, whenever i feel i need you the most, the further away you go. hell, i dont even know where you go. not like i'm entitled to, yes, i know. i just feel like being whatever to the whole situation. but its not like that in my head. it replays every moment, it searches deep to find every single itty bitty moment. i wish i could take them out of my mind, capture the full essence, the full story, store it in a bottle somewhere, and whenever i feel like, just go back in time, and actually BE THERE, DOING THAT, RE-LIVING MY LAST YEAR.
not like you care.
so.
can i just lock all this away, put it all away, and focus on studying? sometimes, i feel my motivation is gone because of you. i know how absolutely stupid this is. baseless, illogical and irrational.
let my mind go blank. let it.
but it is during this period that i yearn ever the more.
how ironic.
and when others whom i least expect show care and concern for me, i just feel like crying. i should be feeling so much more thankful and loved and grateful to have ppl like them, rather than tearing myself up over you.

i need study buddies.
(i wish it could be you....asbgfausbgtasubgtasubgta my mind is supposed to be blank dammit!)
but the hole in me, the emptiness, sadness and loneliness, just grows bigger and bigger day by day.
i pray.

and it is WORK TIME. SERIOUSLY, GET DOWN TO WORK. 18 DAYS MORE IT IS NOT EVEN FUNNY.

2010-09-09T01:31:00.002+08:00

when i see them, it reminds me so much of you and i.
that day when i saw the smile he gave her, just to her and for her, it made me think of how i got to know you, and how you gave me that special thing too, just for me.
yes, so many special exchanges just between you and i. that were only meant for you; for me. so many things flashing in my mind now.
oh the memories.
how would it be like now, i wonder, if u were still here.

how he looked out for her affairs, sitting together during the test...how we all used to take the test in the mornings, and on those early mornings, i'd be extra glad and hopeful to have that much more time.

so that relationship i see oh so often, makes me smile, and makes me sad. it gives me so many reminders, so many memories.
i'm so tired of this. of this remembering. but each time i want and try to let go, i find that i can't, and i find that the happiness it brings amongst all the sadness, well, does make me happy.
gargh i have to see them again ....later...soon.

2010-09-08T00:56:00.003+08:00

I have a 3 hour session with raymond later today.
And I feel lonely, so so alone and lonely.
This is the first time I think I feel SO SIAN having to go there. Previously, I would've loved the idea of a 3 hour lesson, and would try to stretch out the time in my own world, to make everything last longer.
I am so not looking forward to class. Well, its a tuition class, girl. Just a simple; merely a TUITION CLASS. TUITION. THATS IT.
I'm tired now, so tired. Because I slept late last night. Because of who? I can be stupid, I AM still stupid. i don't know why i still bother living in this stupidity.
I'm tired right now, and don't feel anything but the need to sleep.
But I can say with all my heart that I miss you so and I wish you'd be there with me later.
Though it will never ever happen. And I'm just going to feel so lonely. and sad. and missing you every minute of the day.

damm indeed.

2010-09-06T00:58:00.002+08:00

Finally, a proper conversation and proper goodnight.and a smile which so rarely comes out from you. thank you.
its made my night. made me happy to finally be reconnecting with you again.
how simple i can be.
now i realize, how much i have been missing. i miss you so much, so much, and oh, how i wish you could still be here. like how it was last time.
as time goes by, i feel like it is just merely a memory. things change, and things are so different now. we're growing up, doing our own things, leading our own lives. yes i've said this before, but doesnt it really strike us all, that time brings so much change?
all the best for this week. i don't know if u're taking it seriously but i hope you'll do well.
sigh.
no time to be wasting on missing those times anymore.

and i really have to remember he's not you. just that it makes it so hard to forget.
good night world.

damn, sam. that seriously is damn shitty and i feel for you and i want to cry because it hurts so much.

2010-09-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

i'm always scared to come online.

2010-09-05T17:18:00.002+08:00

what is wrong with you seriously. REPLY ME!!!
sad. then angry, and annoyed.
whatever. guess i'm used to this. and should learn to be.
huh.
but i want you to reply.
PLEASE.
oh wth.
while i was napping just now (walao i had a 2 hour nap?!?! DIE) i dreamt that you were walking away. maybe you really are.
i really cannot have that. :( i don't want that. :(
i'm holding onto something stupid. it's really stupid.
go away :(

I think i'm still abit woozy from the nap. i feel abit out of sorts. i have raymonds in 2 hours time.....raymonds.....yes..... :(
can.you.just.communicate.properly.with.me.thankyou. T.T

2010-08-26T19:28:00.002+08:00

Somewhere out there (in Singapore, at Marina Bay to be exactly specific), the nation and the rest of the world is partying, celebrating a closing of a wonderful, memorable event. And I.....meanwhile.....have just finished a round of econs tuition and am preparing to go for math tuition. and when I get back, tutorials and pw to be done.
This is utterly depressing.
Last day the athletes are going to be here and staying at the yov.
Tom Daley :(

2010-08-24T23:55:00.003+08:00

(music can really distort your mood)

PINK. It doesn't show up that well but, oh well.
2 more days left before the YOG is over. And then, back to boring. Well, i KNOW i wasn't involved with the games, but at least there was SOMETHING taking place in the country, something happening and exciting, something which brought SO MANY PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD TOGETHER. I love this International stuff, where you get to meet different people and interact with them, make many valuable friends, learn about different cultures. yes, sounds like the normal and typical globalisation and cultural exchange experience, but this is what i really do enjoy. Especially if i get to meet people from the countries which i am interested in.
But I can't talk as if I actually did all those things, because i didn't. Even though i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED) WANTED TO. I really really REALLY wanted to be more involved and actually in the action of things in the YOG. And I really feel EXTREMELY GUTTED (HAHAHA A NEW EXPRESSION I LEARNT FROM TOM DALEY - reading all the reports about him and his interviews) that i didn't get to be one of those people in the purple yog shirts. Seriously, everytime I see one of those purple people...........you do NOT know how absolutely jealous i am of them. and its going to end so soon, and never coming back, and i never will get to do anything.
it marks 2 more days too, that Tom Daley is going to be here in Singapore. He probably won't ever really come back since he doesn't have reason to and he lives so faraway. asgfbasjgbasgbasgb i REALLY (HIGHLY EMPHASISED AGAIN) WANT TO SEE HIM. I don't enjoy fangirling. Though I must admit I am highly susceptible to it. I don't enjoy it cos when i occasionally indulge in it, i go ALL CRAZY. And I don't like this because its irrational and illogical. But yet, it kind of (for me at least) offers me some other hope and life to my otherwise shitty, boring, mundane and plain old education academic lifestyle. =.=
But Tom Daley is really someone I want to meet. sigh. being irrational and impossible here. i will definitely NOT get so see him though he is just right HERE, right HERE IN THIS COUNTRY which is soooo small i could travel anywhere around it!!!! The perfect opportunity going to waste. How totally totally wasted. I am really depressed about this. I am not joking, even though i sound like i am. i am really really upset and depressed about this.

was SUPERBLY upset and depressed that we couldnt watch russel and jabez too. how absolutely horrid to not be allowed to support both our classmates playing in the same match, especially the USA one. the intensity of it, and the importance of it... :( we missed all that.
well. 2 more days. i'm still going to miss all this yog fever though. and having Tom Daley here too, of course. :(

2010-08-24T23:46:00.002+08:00

Once again, Romantic is playing. And the one who reminds me of everything, and who will definitely be the one who pops up in my head, is there. after so long, almost a week i think, of not being there.
i feel nothing now, no need or urge, because i am living in a dream and thinking of the impossible. when i say i am depressed, i really am. i'm NOT joking even though it might just seem superficial, flighty, bimbotic stuff.

2010-07-28T00:30:00.002+08:00

i have to be patient, learn to understand what others are feeling and thinking, and not flare up or get irritated so easily like how i always do. i'm sorry for always being impatient. i don't exactly mean it either, but sometimes, its just so easy to merely get caught up in your own situation.

today, and for 2 whole weeks, i'm going to be in a partially empty house. my bro has gone to Japan. lucky. hope he has lots of fun and takes lots of care too. how i wish i could go there too, and escape. escape from having to make hard decisions, setbacks, demoralizing things, the work, and basically, the sian-ness of all this.
this shows i'm not mature yet i guess. not able to persevere, not able to embrace reality, and live in it. i'm still a kid, wanting to believe in all things wholesome, whimsical and magical, wanting to believe in santa claus, white snowy christmases, happy ever after endings, peaceful, calm, happy life. an ideal world. as shyam always says. i'm always so idealistic.

as i think about my fantasy world, i can see how much it contrasts from all this shit i'm, well, we're all in.
COME ON. GROW UP.
COME ON. think of the little blessings i have in life. COME ON.

well, i have a mini math test later today. what the shit?! i am definitely going to fail it, considering what i am doing now. and there's mini chem test on fri. which i will DEFINITELY fail, considering what my chem grades are and what shitty situation my chem is in.
ok i better turn in right now. if not i'll just be zombified.

missing you like (how a fish can't survive without its gills). yes weird analogy and probably points to my lack of good vocab but well. my memories are acting up again, actually, they always have been. bits and pieces of you stored in my brain and heart. memories.
an ocean of memories.
OKAY. GOOD NIGHT!

2010-07-20T23:13:00.002+08:00

don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much don't think too much.
if i keep thinking it'll just affect me, make me sad, bring me to the verge of tears arghhhhh.
i just want to know how you are, know about what's going on in your life. can you bother telling me? talking to me?
today i received this sms from raymond and when i saw it, i immediately thought of coming home and telling u about it first thing. and then i know, you won't care, so i don't want to seem, .... ... hmm, i don't know, irrelevant to your life. and i'm sad, saddened beyond words, to know that i CAN'T SHARE AND FEEL THIS WITH YOU ANYMORE. I CAN'T SHARE IT WITH YOU, I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T! and i'm frustrated, tired, and sad, because i don't know how to connect with you anymore. i don't know what you think on your side. i don't know what you feel whenever i try so hard. what do you see? do you try to understand where i'm coming from?
can i just, at least, know whats going on? what's happening to you?
i feel so many things. i know, i can never really be okay without you, can never really feel totally totally happy and complete, but what can i do? i'm drowning in school life, i wish you could reach your hand out to me, to save me, pull me up and offer support like before.
how come i take such a long time to get over? how come how come how come. and you're just there, blissfully ignorant, blissful and not needing to care and feel like i do, not needing to be in this horrible emotional turmoil.
i really need to get a grip, get a grip, move on, move on, somehow. somehow. somehow.
shyam says not to emo. i don't want to either. but. but.
i really can't forget the past. then, i was really happy to have you even though we were going through shit. now, i don't have you. now. now.
and now, its really hard. its really hard. i try to pretend i'm okay and managing, all the while with this huge emptiness and hole inside me. really, i'm not kidding nor exaggerating. this is precisely how i feel. i don't know if it'll ever completely heal.
i really need to look forward, to live and seize the present. how to? i miss the past too much. i need to realize it won't come back, not for anything, and i really have to get my brain in working order, to live in the NOW.
come on, i'll be strong, i will be strong. i will be! i have to.
i'm contemplating if i should delete everything. but you're still my friend. a special one at that. friend. yes friend. and if anything, i want to keep this friendship. i know the only reason why it hasn't been ruined is because i havent said anything, sufferring all this while by keeping absolutely mum.
its time to leave all this at the door. time for everything to just be a memory. a happy memory. and you..... you....you..........

that smile could melt me anytime though.

but. remember, its just a memory. a memory. yes.

but. we were truly happy then. at least, i was. i really was, and i loved every feeling i got.

it can never be. so i should stop wasting my precious time thinking about stupid, absolutely stupid things like this. oh gosh. some part of me desperately wants to let go, to move on, but there's still something which wants to hang on, to not lose it, to pull back at whatever might be left.
there probably isn't anything left, at least, on the other side. so, well.... well.
come on, be a sensible person. a strong, sensible person. see the logic, and just MOVE ON AND LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

(emotions aren't the easiest thing to handle though. and i am incomplete and broken.)

2010-07-14T23:01:00.002+08:00

Tell me why you're so hard to forget
Don't remind me, I'm not over it.
Tell me why I can't seem to face the truth,
I'm just a little too not over you,
Not over you.

Memories, supposed to fade,
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off, let it go,
Didn't think it'd be this hard.
Should be strong, moving on.

SERIOUSLY.

2010-07-10T22:26:00.002+08:00

i double click your name and the convo window opens. i don't say anything, but just minimize it. i open the convo window from time to time. i see the email. ... ... and i remember. that was the only piece of writing i have from you. that email. written down on some emath paper in that booklet. (i smile now, when i think of you writing that) the childish email. it once made me so happy. even now as i type this, i feel almost nothing.
things have truly changed. maybe i have finally been able to accept that. maybe there's another hope in my life now that's why i can disregard this. maybe i am finally able to move on.
maybe. maybe.
i'm not entirely sure myself either.
but when i don't talk to you, when i don't feel something, i think that truly says something.
it's been a long time. i'm very sure you've thrown anything you remembered or might have felt away. you started first, not ever feeling this need to talk to me.
as time goes by, it erodes emotion, erodes relationships which are not continually worked at. of course. what can i expect. if things turn out this way, there definitely won't be any chance.
you don't bother talking to me, and neither do i. slowly, if this continues, we won't even be good friends anymore. we'll lose that special connection we once had. the connection and special friendship and placing i cherished alot.
nothing remains forever. at some point of time, they will end. i must remember that.
now, i am rather devoid of emotion. i know you have been like that, for a very long time. but i think, you'll still, and always, be someone very very special and memorable to me. i'm still waiting for the day i'll tell you. i just can't wait to see what kind of reaction you'll give me.

today at 11.30 am, i was at the national library. that was the time my raymond class usually ended last year. at that area too. and then, romantic by shinee started playing again.
sigh. memories memories memories.
right now as i type this, i am emotionless. but at that point of time....i was thinking alot again. and i keep wondering, why why why am i finding it so hard to let go, to forget.
things have changed so much. friendships i cherished so much, put effort in, they're breaking. we don't bother to remember that bond we had. (did we have it in the first place by the way? anyone out there remember?)
and so, i don't know. i really don't know. it hurts and bothers me, but i can't do anything. we won't ever have any class gathering anymore. i'm sure of that. and if the impossible happens, it'll be awkward.
right now, i'm in the process of letting go. and i feel absolutely emotionless. well, actually, i'm
slightly sad.

on a different note, i hope to be able to dance again. i have missed it so very much.

2010-07-07T20:21:00.002+08:00

its really easy to see who cares about you and who doesn't. its so easy to just give a superficial, seemingly caring response, but it will be a mistake to take you seriously. to think that maybe, just maybe, you remembered how anxious i had been and bothered to follow up. of course not. so many years of knowing you (and you guys), i really thought you all could be my true, best friends. i care a whole darn lot about your affairs. when you're anxious, sad, hurt, angry, i'll try my best. and i show my care and concern. once you're okay though, i don't know, it seems like i'm just one of those friends you'll only talk to once in a while, if you feel like it. i am really annoyed at always having to be the one reaching out to you. you don't even really spare a thought for me. i can't believe it. i really can't. i thought you were one of my best friends. seems like you're drifting away, and taking advantage of my effort, assuming it'll always be there. looks like i was wrong. i was hoping so hard you wouldn't be a friend like her, but i'm wrong. you've become like her. but she's changed, though i no longer will trust her. but you? (and you guys? just especially you) and you don't even really bother talking or striking up conversation with me. well. ain't this friendship just give me a wonderful feeling.

It is just a DRAMA

2010-07-05T10:36:00.002+08:00

So the past 2 days after finishing blocks, I have been holing myself at home, glued to the computer and my seat, watching a korean drama GOD OF STUDY.

Yup I've finished it already, all 16 episodes. I decided to finish it quickly so that I'll be able to get back to doing my work.

The drama was really good. Usually I don't reeeally like to watch dramas, but actually once I start watching it, and if I find the first and subsequent episodes good, I'll just get carried away and keep clicking the "next part" link.

I wonder who in the world's gonna read my long long (I know its gonna be long) post about my thoughts, but oh well.
The acting for the drama was SUPERB. REALLY REALLY SUPERB. I could connect with all the characters and feel for each of them as they struggled through their own issues because the actors displayed the emotions and conflict very well. The 5 teenagers in the show had splendid acting skills and i really must applaud them! The guys could cry SO WELL. SO SO WELL.
The drama was quite realistic, I think, although its just a drama and dramas are never really very realistic. But I think the issues that each teen had to deal with was quite realistic, and could be issues which some people are faced with. But even though they each have their own tough life to lead, they are fortunate enough to have 4 other friends who are always behind them no matter what. The 5 of them really worked together through the whole preparation period leading up to the university entrance exams, and the drama did very well in showing the rapport and bond which was built between them, and between them and their teachers as well.
There were so many SO MANY emotional moments in the drama. And I cried and was on the brink of tears so many times. Kudos to the emotional soundtrack which was inserted appropriately into every emotional moment as well. I found the part where Chan Doo almost left for America deeply moving, because you could see from Pulip's effort how much she loved her friend and didn't want him to go, as well as how much Chan Doo's heart was hurting because he had to leave his friends and the girl he always loved. T.T SOB SOB SOB.
And when you could see the tears in Chan Doo's eyes as he was walking out from the class slowly, and as he kept on looking at Pulip, AAAAAAAHHHH THE TEARS WILL COME NATURALLY. SOB SOB SOB!
Another especially moving scene which made me cry alot was when Baek Hyun was with his grandmother in the hospital. He didn't know about her surgery until his university entrance exam ended, and when he burst into the hospital after that, shouting and yelling and crying because he might not be able to see his beloved grandmother again, OHMAN I REALLY STARTED CRYING. And when he was sitting beside her, holding her hand, and telling Kang not to leave in case he gets weak, he was really crying like mad, and that made me cry like mad too, as well as think in my head that WOW WOW WOW this guy can act SOO WELL!!
Everytime BH said "harimonee" (HAHA grandma in korean, and I do NOT know how to spell it so I'm just typing out how it sounds like to me), inside I just meeeelt. He is SUCH a great and filial grandson. seriously. You can really see how much love they have for each other. (again, he can act SO WELL) I think elderly people are always used as a way to inject strong emotions in us. ( just like the filial piety advertisement the Singapore government is showing, which, brought me to tears too)
The only SUCKY, SUCKY REALLY SUCKY thing about this drama was the conclusion. No conclusion whatsoever on the romance side. WTH?!?! I was especially eager to finish the drama because I wanted to see how all the romantic parts tied up. In the end, it seemed to me that everyone just sort of remained as friends. which is soooooo wth because there were so many romantic parts injected in between. =.= =.= =.=
The romance kind of stopped when they started preparing intensely for the important exams. HMMM is the director trying to say something??! That we can't be distracted by BGR during important crucial education times???
Well, I LOVED the romance part. (ARGH) This is especially what I don't like and like about dramas. I like it because it makes you feel all warm inside, but also extremely sad for the broken hearted. I don't like it because it makes me fantasize, ALOT, TOO MUCH. That's the main reason why i try to keep away from all these dramas because I think they present a very warped image of love to viewers- that its perfect, that you'll definitely find a guy like that, that there'll be a guy who will actually do all this kind of stuff for you...Well the things which the guys did for the girls in this drama weren't exactly unrealistic, but its whether the guys in REAL LIFE will actually REALLY do them. And the answer is NO. (Come on lets be realistic here and not whimsical and dizzy about love.) Well anyway Joyce tells me not to think so much as I watch dramas soooo....I shall try not to. Although I really hope that next time I will be able to find a guy as dashing as Lee Hyun Woo and Yoo Seung Ho and who is able to really do all those lovely things (as in the drama) for me, I'm never hoping or betting on really finding one. definitely NOT.
But in the drama there were SOOOO MANY AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH romantic moments for me too. And many heart breaking moments too when I saw the other party getting hurt. :( :( I REALLY REALLY felt for Chan Doo because he was always trying sincerely and had such a pure heart for Pulip, yet Pulip still kept insisting they were merely friends. T.T And still, Chan Doo continued being nice to her. Its not just being sweet and nice, the things that CD and BH did for Pulip really showed how much SHE MEANT TO THEM, and HOW MUCH THEY CARED FOR HER. sigh.
BUT THE CONCLUSION DIDNT TIE UP THE ROMANTIC PARTS AND SHOW WHO SHE CHOSE. Well, but i agree it would be an EXTREMELY DIFFICULT DECISION to make. I don't even have a side i'm on! I love both BH and CD very very much, and as much as I pity HJ for not being able to have BH (she really has a very sad past and lonely miserable life), I'm still quite grateful that the drama didnt portray guys as always liking the "prettier" girls.
but SERIOUSLY, THE CONCLUSION.....?!?! =.=
This drama really needs a sequel. Its perfect for a sequel!! If there really is a sequel, I hope they'll bring back all the original actors though. And if there REALLY IS A SEQUEL, WOW. I'll be so grateful I'll STUDY VERY VERY HARD (after I watch it hahahaha) :D :D

All in all, this drama made me think alot, and about many things. It shows how good it is to have a supportive class, and I really wouldnt mind studying in that class of (only) 5 people (and being lucky pulip heehee), with such awesome supportive and interesting teachers. It kind of reminded me of my ex Raymond class. People I enjoyed learning and studying with, and who struggled with me through to the end. But well, just like in the drama, we all have to say goodbye someday, and grow up, and go our own ways as we mature.
So, onward to studying hard and figuring out what I really want to do in life?
Now, that's reality.
Back
to
school
...
and NO Yoo Seung Ho or Lee Hyun Woo in my world.
AH
WELL
SIGH.

It really is just a drama!

2010-06-30T21:48:00.002+08:00

I took my math paper today. I hate that feeling of knowing i was able to do better, and could have done it, but am now unable to do anything about it.

And yesterday, to prepare for it, I spent the later part of my afternoon and night at raymonds. bras basah.
when i go there, and look around at the place, i can't help but vision what used to take place there. the different places where our class would be, what we would be doing...
i stand at the lift lobby on the 10th floor, looking out to the national library, the open space below and iluma, enjoying the breeze, while all the memories come rushing back. (the open space was where we were all hanging out before adjourning to macs when raymond woke up late and sent us an sms in CAPS warning us not to stay outside his house waiting for him! i found that sms so amusing and kept it in my old phone. alas my old phone has been sold :(. and another time when he was kind of late in opening the door, i remember that was when i realized b had really long eyelashes.because he was leaning against the staircase railing near me.no wonder his eyes always look black)
i really can't help it. they always always return when i go there. i think its really really absurd how stuck in the past i am, but i don't know why i can't help it.
every place i go to, when i'm there, and what i do there, i associate and think about the class. the macs, raffles city, the lift lobby, the lift lobby on the first floor where we all disperse, the national library, raymonds house.
i remember my first times, remember our stress, remember our tests, remember our jokes...remembering, remembering and remembering, bringing those memories back to life. and when they come back to life in my head, i feel happy, and smile, glad that i have these joyful moments in my heart, but at the same time, i feel sad, sad that, yes, i can no longer have it anymore. sad that, maybe, the journey was too short.
when i left his house about 9plus, and it was night and dark and the shops downstairs were mostly closed already, i really had to struggle and hug my book in my hand hard and close as i walked toward the direction of city hall. that time was probably the most painful. that was the time we used to go down together after class ended, and then laugh and rant downstairs as we said bye to each other. and then i still remember how we dispersed, who went in which direction. and i remember thinking, "next week/ saturday, and i wonder if * will come for the next class".
and i could cry. thinking about all these really make me want to cry. i cannot explain in words how much i want that class back, how very very much. noone will be able to understand it. noone can explain nor cure me from this, this (unhealthy?) yearning. the memories and visions will come naturally when i'm in that area, they always will.
and its not just because of one person seriously. i miss everyone and those times we had. do you all remember? because i think i can remember every little thing.
i think its the loss i'm feeling. its a huge loss, it creates a hole in my heart, which grows bigger when i'm there and the memories start erupting.
why am i so crazy and utterly stuck in the past?? i bet you can't find anyone who is this much attached to a tuition class, which, by the way, occurred (most of the time) twice a week for 1.5h each time. granted, we used to go early to do our work together, sitting in that little room having fun, stressing out over the questions, fretting over undone work. (i remember when you, ww and i were in there, yes just the 3 of us, and you were later than both of us by the way. i was so surprised to see you there early though because usually you always rush in late for class, about 5 minutes late. tsk. so i was really surprised. and then i remember you took out all your undone work, and kept asking what was the homework, and then putting your head in your hands when you realized what work we were tasked to do. then you scooted over from the far end to where ww and i were, asking some question, then all 3 of us ended up sitting in one circle. and i remember you were wearing green, and ww was still very confused and didn't understand.)
beat that people. i seriously can remember. even down to the clothes. well maybe it helps that all your shirts were just single coloured ones. :P
but now you and everyone is living in such different worlds. its not fair that you can let go of it, while i still have to struggle with the memories, that were created by you guys in the first place. because i still go there, i remember and continue to be stuck in that past, while you all can go on leading your new lives.
and today i took that math paper, without you being able to understand, to go through it with me.
and tomorrow i take chem, without your understanding either, without your support, encouragement, words, experience.
chem is so going to own my ass. shit!

2010-06-25T01:51:00.002+08:00

I don't want to make a stupid decision. BUT the heart is meddling with the head.
I know what's right and what I should do, but I DON'T WANT to do the right thing.
It came after I prayed very hard, and I truly give thanks for the answer of my prayer.
But it also comes as a test.
And I don't know how to answer this test. It's so so so very hard.
Head versus heart. The fight continues. Though I think (and hope) i'll pick the smarter option.
And being human, and greedy, I still hope that next saturday or sunday, you won't let me down. PLEASE.
I don't know how to ask though. But I will and I pray very hard you'll say yes.

And it strikes me that I've always been praying and hoping very hard that you'll say yes to me.

2010-06-22T21:00:00.002+08:00

Really, not a single word from you. I can't believe it, but i should. i should have expected, should have known. and i should get used to it, since it WILL be like that. i see that you're there, uncaring, and i really want to cry, because i WANT you to care, because I CARE!
And what do you give me? nothing. nothing at all!
I was reading LGMH, and it did, DID give me hope. it made me believe that maybe, like in those stories people post which sound like all those mushy dramas and fairytales, you can hang on like me, and them. hang on for a long long time, caring for a long time, showing me you still remember like i do, showing me i matter to you, or at least, AM SOMEONE to you.
but, i really don't live in a fairytale, and i have no hope.
I see you're there, and its so tempting to double click and open that window. but NO! I can't! I don't know what kind of message i'll be sending, and i'm sure you'll only talk to me half-heartedly, replying me with short answers. I know I can though, but I don't want to. And if I wait, i can continue waiting forever and ever, and nothing will ever happen.
everytime someone starts a convo with me on msn, i wish so badly it was you.
i wonder if you went into that different world, and did what you did to me to others. catching others' hearts. and i hate to think that. hate to think of that smile being meant for someone else. hate to think that what i shared with you, and thought was special, will also be done for someone else.
could i have grabbed the opportunity last time? for real?
all these emotions and memories and thinking make me really sad and tired.
how can i study seriously?!
i know you can say i can not think about them. but its really hard, especially since last time, i had you going through these tough times with me. and we had more to talk about.
does being in different worlds really tear us apart? does it really break up friendships, make people grow distant? effort is needed. but you don't put that in. only i do. only i still care.
so i have made it into that school, but i don't feel so great. after a while, its just a school, a normal school, where people learn. thats all. its a school, just like yours, just like everyone's. and i'm drowning there, doing horribly, and i'd really appreciate it, and it'd really get me going if you showed some concern, and gave me some motivation.

but of course, i won't be expecting it, and i won't be expecting you, ever.
but i'll still continue to pray about it because, i just can't let you go.

2010-06-22T19:59:00.001+08:00

i can't study when this isn't settled.
when my heart's aching and yearning.

2010-06-22T17:16:00.002+08:00

Cos the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
Is just too much,
Just too much.

Why do I keep running from the truth,
All I ever think about is you,
You got my hypnotized,
So mesmerized,
And I just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone,
All that we could be,
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath,
When I look at you?
Are you holding back,
Like the way I do?
Cos I'm trying, trying to walk away,
But I know this crush ain't going away...

Has it ever crossed your mind,
When we're hanging, spending time *BOY*,
Are we just friends,
Is there more,
Is there more?
See its a chance we've got to take,
Cos I believe we can make this into something that will last,
Last forever,
Forever..

2010-06-18T00:50:00.002+08:00

i need to learn to lock my heart.
and to accept things as they are; the hard, cold facts.
you don't care,
you're not going to talk to me first.
if you ever did, you're probably over.
i don't think you have the capacity for such things, and you'd probably be disgusted by all this, no matter how many romance dramas you watch.
how come it just can't pass, like the wind?
how come?!
and yet, those memories bring a smile to my face, they light up my heart, and they pull me through....
sometimes.
yet, they can break me, make me cry and sob, yearning and clawing for more but knowing i will never get anything.
we ask, why they have such an influence on us.
i don't know why either, and i don't want it, but it just won't go away, and its frustrating me.
is it really too much to ask, just for you to send me some virtual message even?!
i'm always the one trying, maybe you can't see that.
maybe you take it for granted.
maybe, i'm just this small dust particle in your life.

yes, we have and lead such different lives, living in such different worlds. but we're still living in the same world. people from different worlds can come together can't they?
sim's story is just like mine, only, his is over. mine is not, and never really began, i guess.
yet here i am, still lurking in it, trying to find the ending, and hoping it will be a happy one. or maybe, i just want it to be a happy one.

i don't know how many blog posts i've dedicated to this subject.
even i myself can't believe that i can churn out so many different words and feelings on this subject. i've had enough, but also not quite enough.
i wonder what people reading all these will think.
probably that i'm somebody with a serious problem, someone swimming in some dark abyss.
i don't want to be seen as that, but i do think that maybe, maybe, that's what i've become.

i need to pull myself together for the real world. blocks blocks blocks. stow away my heart and whirling mind until its all over. and when blocks are over, maybe i can start thinking and feeling again. maybe i'll have the perseverance again, maybe i'll start trying all over again. even though i don't want to.
but its during these trying times that i want you even more.

and it hurts me so, that you don't even care, not a single bit, and that you probably never did and never will.
truly, it breaks me even more, it breaks my heart and mind and soul in two.

but what do i have to do? i have to put all those broken pieces of mine back, so i can appear to live my life normally. but honestly, i've never felt this empty, lonely, sad and sooooo broken before. crippled.

one day, i've decided, i'll HAVE to know, and i'll HAVE to let YOU know as well.
i wonder if i'll still care when that day comes though.

2010-06-15T01:09:00.003+08:00

When reality slaps you in the face, you can't run. It surrounds you like 4 walls, slowly closing in on you, until you can hardly take it, can hardly breathe.
Its cold, hard and solid, and you can't hide from it. Its hard to accept, hard to take in, especially for someone like me with no fighting spirit, someone who has never really fought hard before, weak and unable to continue if certain people aren't by my side.
Everyone thinks I can, they say it so easily, but i know, i can't. I really can't.
Now, I am trying hard, I am trying i am trying i am trying. i am trying so hard. But I'm grasping nothing; everything is just slipping away from me, and I don't feel myself improving or getting better.
I've let people down, I've let myself down.
I don't want to hear their disappointment, I don't. But I have to face it, because I know i deserve it.
i am trying. i AM TRYING. and i WANT TO TRY HARDER, TO BE ABLE TO DO THINGS RIGHT, TO KNOW WITH CONFIDENCE THAT I CAN MAKE IT.
I've been demoralised so bad, but I have to prepare myself for more and worse of it, because thats on the way.
Damn.
I really need to be stronger, strive harder.
Its so hard to do this by myself, without you, without the joy I once had.
And you make it worse by not even caring. Why can't I be like that too, throw everything away, harden my emotions, become a stone, and start charging and withstand all those physical obstacles.
But i'm dying inside. My head is in a whirl and I don't know if whatever i am doing is ever right. I don't know where to start, what to do, how to go about doing it. i'm lost, but I have nobody's hand to take, nobody's smile to savour, nobody's dancing, smiling eyes to look upon me and cheer me up.
Seriously, inside, everything's crumbling down.
i really need to do something. i really need to be stronger.
But right now, I really can't seem to think of anything positive. I don't have any saving graces, nothing I can depend on. I've become that lousy yes.
And people say that all the more when you feel like this, you shouldnt be thinking these negative thoughts. Well, I can't help it.
I can feel them, the hot tears welling up inside, threatening to spill over.
How can I cry now, when I haven't even had a taste of the real thing.
People will not look on with sympathy. They will only think, 'its your own fault for not working and trying harder'. that's true....i guess. i guess.
its bad that this system plays such games with students. or is it just with weaklings like me.
its through these kind of times where the stronger people will emerge, where people will be shaped and have a stronger mentality.

But i just don't have that.
I am so afraid.

shit, the hot tears have begun.

2010-06-15T00:51:00.002+08:00

Tall and lanky,
Funny,
Nice to talk to,
The way you talk to me,
The smile and looks you give me,
The clothes (plain shirt- which was ALWAYS for him HAHAHA and berms/jeans),
The hair (because its longer now...),
The smell (...even!),

...

...

They're all,

Just like you.
Even the school and class.
Well.
Dammit.

Now I have to fight the urge to call out that name. Still, It might just slip my tongue by mistake.

2010-06-14T02:48:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I'll be going there. I wonder how I'll take to it, whether I'll be overwhelmed again. I can't stop the memories, i can't not feel sad. I wish so bad that time could be reversed, or I might get another chance. But its never going to happen girl. Suck it up and move on. There really is this empty hole, something lacking and missing. It sucks that I can't go through this hard times with you guys.

Today I met someone who had a connection to you, and presented you in a different light. I'm not surprised. I guess I can kind of tell what kind of person you are, but I also think i know what kind of person you can be. well. But it doesn't change anything. You're not going to talk to me and i'm not going to talk to you and ... ...

I'll slowly dry up and become hollow and emotionless. HA. probably.
i'll first have to try to not talk to you. I am so tired of this already. I don't want to do it anymore. Please show some care and concern. if you have any for me thanks.

2010-06-01T14:50:00.002+08:00

When I sit in front of my computer, with this page open, and I think about my life, so many thoughts come into my head. The end of the first semester in school, june holidays now, europe trip, tuition friends, primary school friends, family...everything in general. So what do I have to say about them? I've made many wrong choices, I think, choices which have made me deeply unhappy. Even until now, I still regret, and will probably always regret as well. But I have been blessed too, because within those wrong choices, I have found some precious bits of joy. I still hope though, for a second chance. And I'm really really REALLY hoping for it. And I need to work harder. ALOT HARDER. REALLY ALOT. If not, I am going to die. I really am NOT going to die because i WILL MUST SHALL CAN WORK HARDER. GOO! Jc's really very much different and tougher, seems like we need to suddenly grow up so much faster. its scary, and hard to do, but we will all just have to grow up. There's no other option.

I want to struggle through all this with you, to be able to complain, moan, groan and then pick ourselves up and work harder and try and think together with you. But I will NEVER get this chance. Everytime I go there, the memories come flooding back. I can't stop them. Even if I'm not there, I still think about it and you. You are NEVER out of my head, let me tell you that. EVERYDAY you are there, somewhere, and the memories of how I got to know you and the little moments spent together and whatever you've ever said to me all pop up into my mind. I think of that very first smile, the first time we actually made eye contact. That was after about 4 months I think. HA. That smile always brings back warm memories, because it was the start of a tumultous journey. A journey which....carried me through my O's and hasn't ended yet...I think. it makes me happy when I think of that smile, because seriously, many things happened from there, and I am glad I got to know you. I really love that smile.

And then I start thinking about the other times we had, sitting together struggling through questions, you making fun and joking, smiling, laughing, giving me incredulous and looks of disbelief, talking about things with me, asking me about things, looking up and catching my eye and smiling. i wonder if it will scare you to know how much I remember and treasure, and how close I keep these little times to my heart. When I'm able to sit next to you, I wish the lesson would never end. How many times was that anyway!?

People say, don't cry because its over, smile because it happened (or something like that..). Sure. I smily everytime I remember you and the rest. my heart sings with joy when I recall the happy times all of us spent. To me, even the struggling and stress were memorable and happy times, because I had all of you and I was going through it with all of you. But still, I am sad I can no longer have the joy of having all of this back. When i go there, it overwhelms me. I feel it in my heart, the yearning and missing and memories. I think these memories seriously kill me, and its not good. I have to continue looking forward. I always take such a long time getting over things. SIGH. I miss you guys and the feel of being in a class with you all. They've all probably been able to move forward easily, to let go of the memories and happy times, (if they even bothered remembering that is), but I'm still here, stuck in this raging sea of the past. How come I can feel so attached??!

Well anyway I'm going off to Germany and Poland tonight. Feeling nervous and insecure. But I prayed, and that gives me a calmness like no other. I also prayed that I might matter to you. Well? I don't know, but you matter to me, ALOT. The words that you say, even if they may be the same as what others say, hit me and affect me much harder. I take its meaning much more when YOU say it.

Bye guys, take lots of care!

2010-05-28T01:42:00.002+08:00

my heart is hurting and aching like crap.
too tired to say more even though a thousand thoughts were whirring about my head just now.
feeling so........
sad.
its killing me.
and i feel so insecure about going now.
good night.

2010-05-21T00:47:00.002+08:00

A simple phone call with contents nothing special or interesting or important at all can make me so happy. I really smile everytime I think about it.
I finally hear the voice which I miss and long for so immensely much.
I can't believe a single phone call can evoke this much emotion. Maybe it was just the voice. The voice which means you're REALLY talking to me, giving me that short span of attention. The voice, which is YOURS. And that's all the reason I need to feel this utmost amount of joy.
I REALLY REALLY REALLY miss you. And I really really really want to see you. I really really do.
As a friend.
...

I still don't know if I can...
Emotions are volatile, they will flip, I am sure, when things are presented to me differently.
I think its madness the way someone can have a control over us.

You don't know how I value this call, even though i made it, and even though it was seriously about nothing at all- a kind of call you'd answer to anyone.
I want to cry as I think of the times we can't share together anymore. and I know you don't even care.
This is going nowhere, and I need help.

2010-03-19T21:10:00.001+08:00

Romantic by Shinee is playing on my itunes right now...it makes me think of lots of things. And how I used to listen to it at night, EVERY night, before I slept, thinking and thinking and thinking and lusting.

2010-02-09T23:01:00.002+08:00

from now on, if you dont give a shit, i won't care either. i'm tired of always being the one initiating, caring about your affairs and being the only one actually trying to maintain our friendship. i bet if one day i'm gone in your life, it won't even make a difference to you, you'll just go on making lots and lots of new friends right? so i'll just try my best to stop caring right now. you never even consider how i might feel. the whole world does not just revolve around you and YOUR feelings. other people have feelings too, and sometimes, it would really mean a lot if you SEEMED to care, just a little bit. i am soooo tired of always being the one putting in effort. a friendship needs 2 hands to clap, it is made up of TWO PEOPLE. you, my so called (one of my) best friends, show some consideration for me can??? at least, even if we weren't even friends, it would be polite and considerate and courteous to inform me of what you've decided after we have discussed things together. dont always wait for me to ASK YOU. i'm always the one concerned about you right? it is NEVER you asking me unless it has something to do with you.

i try very hard. really i do. i dont know what is wrong and i dont know what else to do. i wonder how long this will take. i feel really miserable, anyone truly understands and knows? unless i make it damn obvious, nobody will ever know. maybe i expect everyone to be ultra sensitive, but not even the people who are supposedly close to me can tell, isn't that sad. its not that i want to be obvious and drag people down and make everyone think that i'm some depressed freak who wants people fawning over me. no. i just dont want to fake happiness, when inside i just feel like crying. sometimes, for a change, i'd like people to ask after me, to show some care and concern, even if i seem to be happy on the outside. nobody does that. seriously, nobody. and i am seriously tired and sick of always being the one asking after everyone else, especially when i get no reciprocation, and especially when i feel i am not remembered at all. i'm a sensitive person, i know.

everyone's fitting in nicely and being all happy, and i truly am happy for them. after all, how far do u expect them to go with you. noone can or will always always ALWAYS be there with you and by your side.

2010-01-30T00:54:00.002+08:00

I've got a V shaped tan from my SC Pe shirt, and this has caused my neck to turn red, in a V shape no less. LOL. Sounds funny but it looks kind of scary. This came about because we were out playing games in the sun this afternoon, during the hottest time of the day!!

But still, I enjoyed myself immensely. Even though i got that sexy tan (HA), and am feeling very drained and rather achy, I'm enjoying the orientation put together by the HC SC. I know they must have put in a LOT of effort, and they're always trying to be enthusiastic for us, and I appreciate their effort very very much. Thank you so much seniors!

There are people that just make you feel comfortable easily. Their disposition, simply laughing and smiling at everything makes me just want to stay with them forever. :) I'm glad I can meet these people, though they're extremely rare. I don't like it when people just make friends with you on a superficial level, and this makes me wonder very much if you truly treasure us and what you truly feel about us, and if you can think about something else other than always wanting to charge ahead.

I am truly glad you all remembered. Those memories and days and bonds, they seem so far away and I can't believe that once (reading my past blog posts), I loved it so much. I wonder if you all still remember the deep bond we had, and how much fun and pain we went through together. But I know that event will be shared amongst us, like an unspoken, common bond. I hope that time will be able to bring us closer together again, like last time. We have about 1 and a half years together, I'm going to try for it.

And I am especially glad that YOU remembered, and even got the pronounciation right! Actually, I can't even believe we know each other. I don't even really feel like we're proper friends! Um...but I hope we can become closer too! :) veryy much so!

everytime I think about that, I can't help it but smile. I should forget it entirely, but seems like I can't. It seemed so honest and innocent, HAHA. I guess I might have really shut that other door (and locked it) already.
NIGHT. REST IS MUCH NEEDED. :D

2010-01-27T23:01:00.002+08:00

I really should be sleeping now, getting enough rest so I won't act like a zombie tomorrow. School is finally starting. It's rather scary, entering a different world, with different people. I'm glad that I have some of my closest friends with me in the same school, even though we might be separated in the end. I really wonder how these next 2 years will be like, and I am praying very hard for them to be smooth-sailing. Of course, I'll have to work extremely hard too, putting in my effort like never before. This goes without saying. Am I ready for it? I hope so. Well, I have to be even if I'm not.

I had a nice conversation with Eugenia Siah today. I miss her a lot a lot. She'll never ever see this but anyway, Eug I still really love you! After talking to her, I realize how much i miss the times when we were doing projects together, laughing about stupid stuff, doing weird things. And i realize that even though we're not that close anymore, not really talking, I still always want to be able to talk to you and be your friend! We'll still stay close won't we?

As I prepare to start tomorrow, and a whole new life, I feel like I'm closing some part of my life. Shutting it away and just moving forward. But still, I'm sad I don't get to do this with you, sharing this part of my life with you. We live in different worlds now, don't we? Completely different lives. sigh.

All the best to everyone! Stay happy and have lotsa fun! And manss do I just absolutely love talking to my primary school friends. I love my primary school friends to bits! :D NIGHT EVERYONE.

2010-01-19T23:14:00.002+08:00

I don't know but,
I think I may be falling for you,
Dropping so quickly,
Maybe I should,
Keep this to myself,
Wait until I know you better,
I am trying, not to tell you,
But I want to,
I am scared of what you'll say,
So I'm hiding,
What I'm feeling,
But I'm tired of,
Holding this inside my head.

I've been spending all my, time,
Just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.

Songs are probably like books, reflecting the human condition, the way people think and feel. :) How lovely.

2010-01-18T00:53:00.002+08:00

Why won't it work out for me, when others seem to have it so easy. Even though I pray so hard, so fervently, this aspect still hasn't been answered. If I've always been blessed with what I truly desire and want, can't this be included too? It's been a long long time.
Today makes it hard too. Being in such an unfamiliar place, with so many unfamiliar people, not being able to have my darling same tuition friends, its really terrible. it makes me miss all of you so so extremely extremely absolutely MUCH. I wish soo hard that we could still be the same class, working and joking around with each other. It's the place i always always looked forward to going. But now, we're all dispersed. It's so miserable. Thinking about it really just makes me want to cry. Sure, i go there to learn, and I must convince myself so. But I just wished I had all of you all with me. :( Knowing i can't talk to you about this makes me utterly sad. i want you guys, and nobody else. we must continue seeing each other and having gatherings!

I think I understand how my bro is feeling (well, partially), since i'm also feeling like how he is. its not a nice feeling. help me, do something, SAY something, ASK me. i can't believe you're that thick and dense. even so, i still can't help myself. and, you've become better. just don't become thatt outlandish hahaha! miss you and i neeeed to see you.

2010-01-16T22:31:00.002+08:00

Today makes it much harder for me. when i see you walking alone, all i want to do is run up to you, grab your hand, hug you, never let you go, never say goodbye. i wonder what i should do. its not going to go away so easily, nor can i get over so easily. :(

2009-12-30T00:06:00.002+08:00

It's so funny how things can change once i see you're back. just a single sign on the computer and there's a huge flip of emotion. No matter how i try to convince myself, i know i can never look at you the same way and i never know when i can truly forget and get over. i can tell others the things i want and hope to achieve, and i can actually think that i believe what i say, but if i see you in real life, yeah my emotions might flip again. who are you? you're nothing. nothing special, really nothing special. sometimes though, i wished i had crawled through that golden window of opportunity. if i had taken your hand, i wonder what it would be like now. you feel so far away from me, perhaps not even caring or forgetting i exist. why? last time, it used to be so much more different and special. or maybe, you just did that to every new person you met. what am i to believe and make out of you? i know so little, i know. i'm trying hard to crack the shell. bit by bit. though i'm tired of it and i get no reciprocation. i'm dreading what i'll find next year...soon to come. suddenly i want to hide away from you and not see you anymore. no i must get over i must i must i must! i can list out all the negative aspects, but i know even that won't help. there's always this little flame which becomes uncontrollable, and then turns into a huge fire. sigh. no, i don't want to go next year and see what i find. :( there'll be better.

had an outing with my primary school girlfriends today. (mei, jie, mich t, amanda, olivia) :D boy am i thankful for them and boy am i thankful for this group which i can call my girlfriends- a group which allows me to hang out with them, having fun and enjoying their company. they accept me for who i am, (and have always done so), and are always game to try out anything. (things which are not overly flambuoyant or extravagant). its been great knowing them all these years. i really hope our friendships won't ever end, because i really really really treasure them very much. whooo i hope i can see you all often!! just being at amanda's house was fun!! :D you all make me happy and i enjoy being with you all truly (even if i might not talk that much hehh). we still have the picnic date okay!! :D:D (and the swimming? hee!!) (and the paintball too? whooo) miss you all already and want to see you all sooooon again! <3

i'm off!

2009-12-12T02:19:00.002+08:00

It's such an unearthly hour now, and I really should be sleeping, but just want to say, bye everyone! HAHAHA. Sounds so...pompous or something.

Yosh, i'll be going to Taiwan and Hong Kong, and will be coming back around the 23rd. :) See you folks!

To my other friends going away, like CHIONG, SAM AND CHEEEE, have a wonderful holiday! keep safe ok! may we all be able to see snow.. :D

I'm gonna miss my pri sch friends! EH LETS MEET UP AGAIN BEFORE JC! OKAY OKAY OKAY! I don't care if its mindless aimless activities again HAHAHHA. Hope to see you all soon!

I'm gonna miss my anime too! :( Recently started on soul eater, and it is NICE! But of course, ONE PIECE still rules my heart. Aw, gonna miss Luffy lots, and Soul from soul eater too. HAHAHA.

Have a fun time everyone! and keep safe and happy! SEE YOU ALL SOON! <3

i am not gonna think about you or miss you. BYE! =.=

2009-12-08T00:04:00.002+08:00

Our ultimate favourite photo. HAHAHA. Amanda's head is...GONE! :O

MY DARLING GIRL FRIENDS. <3 (Mei looks like a proud mother HAHAHAHA)

<3
Sure, we spent much time stoning, not doing anything and just 'brainstorming', with our heads totally blank and at a loss, but i think the things we did were meaningful (i guess haha), and when we did it, we had lots of fun. when we first saw each other at the train station in the morning, i think we all felt a bit weird and didn't talk much. but after a while, everything became better and i think as we all fell into each others' familiar company once again, we became more comfortable. i felt comfortable myself, and completely at ease, to be in the company of people i've known almost half my life, and whom i've spent lots and lots of time with (in pri sch). although we've been apart for so many years, i still remember how close we all were. we've grown up, changed, and we might feel as if we don't know each other at all but let's not forget our childhood together also, even though it might be insignificant or seem childish and stupid. i'm so glad some of us managed to get together.

we travelled to all the developed places in singapore man. first to suntec, then orchard, then plaza sing. supremely stuck on ideas on what to do, but the games which turned out to be fun and really, broke the tension and awkwardness, and the random things we did here and there all added up to become a wonderful time. we completely owned a white, inflated ball from a counter in suntec, where we wrote down our wishes and hopes and dreams for 2010. the ball is going to be released for the marina bay countdown (i guess), and i'm hoping we can catch a glimpse of our very own special ball, which is kind of unique since the guys totally...hm, decorated it with weird things like a mother earth. HAHAHA. OH NO. SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A PIC OF OUR WONDERFUL BALL!

Then we also walked round the fountain of wealth, splashing ourselves with the cold water, and i guess, secretly wishing in our hearts as we walked the 3 rounds. then we went on alan's adventure, which was to, go to a busstop, then wait for the 3rd bus and get on it, getting out at the 7th stop and walking for 11 mins. we cheated though, so we could end up nicely in a good place like orchard. HAHA. from orchard, we waited for jianghan who conveniently told us he was in THE CATHAY, when we were in orchard cine. hm wth! i was laughing so hard when i was talking on tianhoe's phone to him..i don't know why i found it so funny but yes, i just found it sooo darn hilarious, him being so swaku. then alan took over because i proved incapable of speaking coherently and he just shouted at jianghan for being a swaku ahahahhaha. but turns out, instead of wondering how he miraculously flew from cathay (at plaza sing) to our location in a matter of minutes after getting off the phone with him, he was actually at the basement of what he knows as, THE CATHAY ORCHARD CINELEISURE. Yes, very good loh jianghan.

but in the end, we decided to walk down all the way from orchard to plaza sing, and had dinner at ajisen ramen before finally going back to tampines. thanks to tian, jiang and val for staying with me as i waited for my mum after everyone went home already! heard you all had a nice prata suppper..am jealous!! =P

well, lovely memories of today. i totally loved the company i had and i'm already being greedy and thinking of meeting up with everyone again soon. (even though planning and contacting is mafan and fail AHHA) what to do, i love you guys too much. :D (may we always continue meeting even when we're 80+years old!!!)

thanks for the wonderful day mei, mich c, mich t, jieying, amanda, chian, val, viv, tian, sheng, alan, jiang. <3

for a while, the hole was mended and filled. slowly, you are becoming just a friend. i hope it'll be better like that...maybe. am i ready to just take it at that?

2009-12-02T23:52:00.004+08:00

i can't believe this. how could you all just what, forget about us? forget that you have another class? i was so hurt, i don't even know why. i don't think others would feel the same way as me, they probably would just dismiss this with a wave of their hand, but i can't. i dont know why, though i wish i could, because clearly, you all aren't worth any time. how did u all become so close anyway, or why did so many of you go? even the 2 who weren't that into all that, why...is it just because of their looks, or what?! i thought we all had a bond, were close, and that someone was planning something. is it even going to materialize? or are u already satisfied with what you have, conveniently placing us away. wth. i shouldn't care, i shouldn't feel hurt, i dont even think i should even feel all of this because whats wrong with a freaking outing, but i AM. i'm so hurt and sad and i'm angry myself for even bothering. clearly, our bond is not strong enough, and clearly, noone feels it as much as i do. so saying, i was so shocked to have learnt about that. they aren't even in the same class as you! you all are separate! on separate places and ends and all! i am shocked and hurt, and i hope you all haven't forgotten us or our bond. please, even though i feel angry with you all, i still love you all and the class. (BTW THIS IS NOOOOT NOT NOT NOT about my pri sch people. )

sigh, why is it that even though i try so hard, i feel like i'm losing. i'm losing all the people that matter to me, seeing them lead different lives, seeing them have their own band, leaving me out. it feels like a piece of cloth, which has become frayed in so many places, and the threads are just barely holding each other in place anymore. i dont want to lose anyone please. T.T this hurts so much. hurt hurt hurt :( i'm trying, trying very hard, okay?

and no matter how i try, try to forget or get over, i CAN'T. WHY WHY WHY. NOOO. i want to, i need to, i have to. disappear from my life NOW! the worse thing is, you dont know, you dont know how its making me feel, you dont know anything, how i watch it closely and all..how much i miss you. because i really do, so much so much so much and even i can't believe it. i ask myself, whats so special? is there really something so special? and deep inside, i know the answer is no, but then somewhere else, yes resonates. so...what? you dont deserve this, nor do i.but i just can't stop! how?! i want to curse you, hate you for doing this, though i guess its really not your fault at all. but worse, you dont even seem to care, never even talking and probably never even thinking or caring A SINGLE BIT. how could you? even AS A FRIEND. didn't we share that huh, weren't we close, it might have been once upon a time, so looong ago (and i'm sad i didnt grab it, cherish it more), and i think we were both scared of doing anything. HAHA. i really think there was, that perhaps you did want and care like i did. so did it just blow over? blow over you, like normal leaves that are ruffled in the wind. and so now, am i nothing at all to you? nothing?! you're my friend ok, and i care. i wish i get some, even a bit, of reciprocation. and even though you dont give me that simple thing, i still continue, hoping for the impossible, that maybe that sound comes from YOU. which obviously will never ever be. do u even remember i exist in your life. i'm so hurt by you. just something, no matter how little, would be nice. if not, i really needa forget and get over. but i know its not so simple. i can't.

hurt, sad, hurt, sad, that's all i'm feeling right now. (now that i've let it out, i dont really care about the first thing anymore, because the only consolation i get is that you werent part of it.) i still wish for a miracle. been praying so hard, but why is it unanswered. please at least show u haven't forgotten.

2009-11-21T00:11:00.002+08:00

Feeling slightly happier now, because of a specific reason. :D
I still wish for more though, duh, because this doesn't feel like much. Sigh, when can I see and hear the real thing.
Watched A Christmas Carol today with Andrea, Kristen Tan and Sam! =) It was quite scary though! Many surprises and shocks here and there, especially when the ghosts come out and their hand gestures and all.

AFA TOMORROW! Excited! =D

I was excited to be able to go somewhere with my bro, because he's also setting off early in the morning to go to jurong point, and maybe have breakfast with him. It's fun being with my bro cos usually i always don't get to spend time with him and I do miss him. But he was being all Mr Sunshine-y on me. =.= He was just grunting and snuffling when I talked to him (rather enthusiastically). WLAO What is your problem. thanks a lot for always treating me like that when i genuinely miss you and want to spend some time with you! stupid.

sighhhh miss you so much, hope i can see you soon and talk to you soon. miss you miss you miss you! aaah! feel like killing you one day.

2009-11-20T00:50:00.003+08:00

PRESENTING, TAKAHATA MISAKI! (he's 16 too LOL)

MISAKI IN SCRAP TEACHER! =D (he was a bad boy though HAHAH)

He was in BI Shadow, some teenage jap pop group, but he quit. T.T (I'm sure you can pick out who he is even though this pic contains 3 guys right? Since there're so many pics of him above.. =P)

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST! I REALLY REALLY REALLY LIKE THIS PIC OF THEM. OF COURSE, I ESPECIALLY LOVE MISAKI! He looks SOOO COOL in the specs!

(ok sigh I don't want to fan girl...I'm not obsessed with him. I just like him quite a lot that's all LOL) <3

dramas

2009-11-20T00:13:00.003+08:00

Watched momo love episode 5 today, and finished watching scrap teacher!

I don't think I really like watching romantic dramas, because they make us all swoon and lust over this perfect, unattainable guy; a guy that is (very most likely) NOT going to ever appear in real life. The things that these perfect guys do in dramas are probably not going to happen in real life, so they just make me feel more disappointed, and makes me have this warped view of love and relationships. HAHA. But I know many people still love watching dramas, and well yeah, I guess I do too, seeing how the drama unfolds and envying the lead girls who get all their wonderful guys. (Actually I guess I don't like seeing this...)

But I feel that dramas always have expected endings =( The endings should have more surprise! OKAY. I know I don't watch that many dramas, but then, somehow, of all the dramas I know and have watched, the endings are all expected. ZZZ. Like BOF, man how i wished that Jan Di could be with JiHoo, but NOO. As usual, (what else do you expect), she ends up with Jun Pyo, the guy who buys her over with his pots of money and steals her away when Ji Hoo went away. COME ON. Even if the DIRECTOR'S INTENTION was to please the audience, I'm sure people won't mind if you just gave a twist to the ending and let the poor, lonely Ji Hoo have Jan Di. After all, I think he's done much more for her, and understands her better. And for goong, i didn't watch it (and I can't bring myself to continue past the first episode even though I've tried twice), but duhh I know who the girl's gonna end up with. For You're Beautiful, (the anime Andrea's pestering me to watch and the one Chiong's starting now), aiya, I just watch some MVs, and I already know who's gonna end up with the girl. I mean, if you already know who's going to end up with who, why still watch. The ending's not going to change and I'm just going to feel super mad and frustrated with the director and the characters HAHAHA. After a while, you're just watching the trials and tribulations and the problems that these 2 characters go through just to be with each other. Throw in ex girlfriends and ex boyfriends and third parties, parental disapproval, dream chasing, moving away, sudden change of heart...that about makes up all the problems. But you know that, in the end, they will still be together no matter what. HMM. Like that would really happen in real life.

HAHA OKAY SORRY. I know I sound like I'm totally slamming dramas, but this is just how I feel. Its ok, dramas are still very very nice! I shall grit my teeth and continue on with momo love simply because I like the character of HUANG YUYI, played by our dear SINGAPOREAN HUANG JING LUN. He is hilarious and I really enjoy watching his antics. Also partly for Jiro Wang...but not really la. Sigh. I already know tao hua's gonna end up with him.. zzz. And at the beginning of the drama, in the first ep, how did tao hua get to know shi lang (jiro's character), you ask? Well, she and her friend spied this guy's back, and said he was a handsome guy. Then, suuuch a coincidence, this handsome guy (shi lang DUH), and tao hua get off at the same busstop, and it was raining. And tao hua didn't have an umbrella. And well, what do you know, shi lang gives her his umbrella! Sacrificing himself and running back out in the rain with just his hoodie. AWWW. Well, that makes you lust and swoon doesn't it. I have to keep reminding myself this will NOT happen in real life. Please, will a guy seriously just pass an umbrella to a complete stranger? He probably would only if the girl was really pretty and he wanted to get to know her or something. OKAY. It MIGHT happen, but what are the chances? Our life is NOT a drama. Well, I guess that's why dramas are created then, to transport us to this different world, where we can imagine, swoon, lust, go crazy over pretty boys...sigh.

(let me continue on a bit more...and what a COINCIDENCE, shi lang turns out to be tao hua's brother's friend from a long time ago. WOW. huhhhh. is there such a coincidence in real life? HAHAHA.)

Ok, at least in momo love, shi lang didn't immediately fall for tao hua. at least that makes it a bit more bearable. =P

Alright, I don't want to make anymore drama lovers angry at me. This is just how I feel. :) So saying, I liked scrap teacher quite a lot. Though there wasn't any romance in it and the endings and story line weren't predictable and zzz.

And, I have suddenly taken a huge liking to TAKAHATA MISAKI. (oops, see how dramas make you crazy over pretty boys? SIGH I don't like this)

At first look, he's not thaaat good looking, but after a while, like Joy says, he kinds of grows on you, and man, he IS COOL AND GOOD LOOKING! So, I've saved a few photos of him (all taken from the net, thanks to the people who put them up! these photos are NOT MINE), and i shall put them up here so everyone can also savour his wonderfulness WHOO!

SHALL PUT THE PICS IN ANOTHER POST!

2009-11-17T09:49:00.002+08:00

there's one more thing i need to make my joy and freedom from after o's complete. really, i feel this hole and emptiness in me. i can't believe people can actually feel like that. still feel so miserable, and even though i have absolutely heavenly friends whom i love so much, they can't replace you nor can they patch up this hole. i wish i could just forget or stop; this is so pathetic, but i don't know why, i just can't. i pray about it even; this is impossible, it seems wrong to be praying about such things. one day i'm going to kill you for making me like this. one day i'm going to tell you everything too. i'm eagerly waiting for that chance.

pre prom to dos!

2009-11-17T09:30:00.002+08:00

Pre Prom is stressful! I've got a whole list of to-dos right now, before I head down to Orchard to do up myself. I shall post my to-dos here cos I need to see a list so that I can mentally check off what I've done and what I have to do, and I don't know why i'm posting it up on my blog but I just feel like it. :)

1. Iron my dress! Aaah dreading this because everytime I iron, I always feel as though the piece of clothing still doesn't look good enough. At least I shifted the ironing board out into the living room, where its cooler and I can listen to my music on my laptop AHHAHAHA.

2. Pack my dress into those suit casings. But prior to that, must wipe the casing first. Then hang up the dress and try my best NOT TO GET IT CRUMPLED.

3. Put on some gel thingy at the back of my shoes.

4. Pack my prom stuff, without forgetting anything.

5. Shower.

6. Will probably take a cab down to orchard since it'll be so funny to carry around my dress and shoes and all that in an mrt and bus. Besides, I'm trying my best not to get sweaty.

trying to crack my brains very hard on wondering how to not get my dress crumpled and how to not get sweaty. HAHAHA. sighh. I really really hope my dress doesn't get crumpled and I really really hope I can survive the night in my shoes cos my calves have been aching very badly since sunday. =(

okay I probably should get down to my ironing now. I take very long to iron, fussing over many minute details. arghhh.

miss you

2009-11-12T21:32:00.002+08:00

i miss you so much,
i wish i could see you,
i wish i could see your smile,
i wish i could hear your voice,
i wish i could talk to you properly,
i wish you were here.
i thought maybe, if you were gone, it'd fade away. but, seems like it only intensified and grew. gosh i miss you so very much.

VALERIE KHOO, VANESSA KHOO, I MISS YOU TWO SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH TOO! I'm utterly sad you 2 can't be here to celebrate our happiness! Gosh can't wait to see you all soooon! I MISS YOU 2 LOVIES!

so many people close to me seem to be leaving, or have already left. this is the pain of growing up, and having to learn to let go.

last one!

2009-10-29T09:37:00.002+08:00

It's the last one today!

Sigh if only you were someone else. eeeek.
And I'm really still hoping hard and praying hard i get that ONE THING, last one for the YEAR and i've hardly gotten it wlao.its like some big miracle if that happens. (though it feels so impossible... :( ) so i hope that a huge miracle'll happen tonight HAHAHA.

must get everyone's numbers!
All the best for today AAAAH!

2 more

2009-10-27T23:56:00.003+08:00

2 more sessions with Raymond at suntec. After that, I wonder if i'll ever see you, and all of them again. This hurts my heart, and brings me a feeling which is empty, heavy and utterly sad. i don't know how I'll deal with not seeing you anymore; how that bright light at the end of my week will just die out. OHMY. You really have no idea.

The last 2, the very last 2. I just wish that, you won't be so far. I wish so hard and bad, because its only 2 more, then, .... I have no idea. It's going to be hard letting go. Can't believe I've held on for so long. I bet my brother won't believe it. Even I can't believe it myself!

My nights next week are going to be so lonely.

2 more, 2 more! That's such a small number! We all took class photos today... i am feeling sooo nostalgic and sentimental.
2 more. That's also only if you do come anyway, the unpredictable, evasive you. I feel like telling you everything, I wonder if I'll ever get the chance.

i pray and wish sooo hard, please please please. just once please, please give me that! I haven't been so demanding have i? PLEASE. anyway, I'm going to make sure i get that. that one, I WILL. this one, i pray and wish. PLEASE AAAH!

aw kl all the best ok! haha i want to watch you bowl one day.

Raymond: "All the best guys, bye, miss you. Update me with your life!" AW <3

tag replies MRS NAKAJIMA, CHIONG AND MEIII!

2009-10-23T00:30:00.002+08:00

MRS NAKAJIMA: OOOI YOU. HOW DARE U HAVE A WEDDING AND BECOME MMRSS NAKAJIMA WITHOUT INVITING ME AH! make me lose my chance to see yamada man POOT.hahaha. Come back soon from Japan and visit my blog and tag! YAY THANKS!

CHIONG: heee. thankeee for always visiting! you jia you and dont be so pissed too! my anger always passes la, not alarming or whatever. =D

MEI!: HELLOOO DEAR MEI! YAY YOU STILL COME TO MY BLOG! COME OFTEN OK! HAHAHA MISSSS YOU MOOORE! After o's must go out with me ok! <3

you'll never know

2009-10-23T00:20:00.002+08:00

After today,
you'll probably,

Never know how I felt,
Never know how much I thought and thought,
Never know what I said to others, going on and on,
Never know what it meant to see you,
Never know what that brilliant smile meant to me and my week ahead,
Never know how (so, very extremely) happy I felt,
Never know anything other than everything at the surface.

Will you just walk out of my life like you entered it? Probably. Most likely. I didn't even get that one chance I longed and yearned for so badly. Its not even anything bad. Why weren't my prayers answered on this one?
So, its probably just going to end here. Like this. Normally. Pity. Because I knew we could've been so much more, better and closer friends too.
Shucks, I still can't let you go yet. I can't believe you'll just leave my life like that. I want to try to catch you, but I know I never can nor never will.

There's so much you'll never know.

last time as a class

2009-10-22T23:57:00.002+08:00

Today (since its past 12am OOPS) is going to be the last time I'll ever be having Raymonds as a class, with all my fellow Raymonds classmates together. Wow. Time really really flies. I can't believe that after today, we'll all go our separate ways, maybe never seeing each other again. Man, that hurts my heart, thinking how we might never see one another ever again. We've really come so far together. From that time I joined in November last year, our journey has been a real fun and enjoyable one.
I can still remember how scared I was, when I first joined. I never wanted to look anyone in the eye, and the class was quiet as a tomb. Noone spoke to anyone, and it was just so dead and horrible.
But then, slowly, everyone started to open up and talk to each other. As I said, it was the familiarity that sunk in, which reached out to all of us, and maybe, the journey we had to go on together.
Now, we've finally reached that point, the exit path. After tomorrow, i'm really really going to miss everything, I'm going to miss it so much so much, my heart's really aching. I can't believe I could feel so attached to a tuition class.
I can't say why I love everyone so much, but I'm so glad I got this chance to take this road, and meet all this people, and be a part of something so nice. Somehow, math seems so much more bearable that I know we're all in this together.
The tests early in the morning, at 8am, they're finally over and done with. Hah, who could forget, the very first time we came for the test, Ivan appeared like a drunkard, collapsing and staggering against the door, gasping "Who in the world wakes up at 8am for test in tuition!?" LOL.
The PRESENTATIONS. woah, where Raymond loved making fun of us. Even though these were trying and embarrassing and nervous times, I miss them lots too. We always laughed a lot at the poor presenter's demise. HEHHEHHEH.

The CLASS, and my CLASSMATES, my dear people (and of course raymond, though I'll still see him hahahaha), i'm going to miss hanging around with them, sitting in class and listening to them banter with Raymond and of course, the childish antics from the boys. HM.

I don't know why I feel so sentimental. I wonder if anyone else feels this much emotions about a simple tuition class. But still, I know how much I want today's 3 hour session to last forever and ever. 3 hour's probably too short. :(
Man, I'm already missing you guys. I'll make sure I treasure every minute, second, milli second, micro second today.
Love you all.

golden haired perfection

2009-10-19T23:01:00.002+08:00

I'd choose the golden haired, angelic, perfect looking french.
I'd reach across that expanse (which is nothingness) to take that outstretched hand.
I'd never have to see the hurt in your eyes or feel my heart breaking because yours did too.
I wish you could just take me away.

if only it weren't a dream; my golden haired, angelic perfection.

wrinkled up

2009-10-12T23:03:00.002+08:00

I'm so wrinkled up, dry and crumbly.
Inside its hollow,
Nothing beats anymore.
There's no more hope,
I don't want to imagine,
I'm falling out,
I'm tired of waiting and being passive.
I wish you'd start it first, please.

I only ask for once. Only once. (But if I do get one, I'll want more...and is that wrong? That's natural for man right, being greedy, grabbing more chances when we should be thankful for the only one we managed to get.)
But I haven't even got this one. I desperately want this one. i'm trying to save, push, move everything aside just in hope of this one. O N E. is all I need and want. at least 1.
I've prayed so hard about it, did You hear me? i'll pray harder then. You have no idea how much I want it, please let it come true.

I want to run away. I don't want to go near them. One only harps on things which I find so trivial and anal, sometimes I even feel he talks to me about them on purpose with the aim of irritating me. Do I not make it plain to see that i DO NOT want to talk about topics like that? Doing things which you tell others not to, not doing things you preach, what kind of example are you setting?! I'd like to stomp on that inflated head of yours someday.
And you, why is it when i want to talk to you, that you have nothing to say and don't even bother responding sometimes?! i should just NOT EVER talk to you, since you don't even bother responding. do u know how I hate it when people don't respond? I absolutely hate it. And when you miraculously feel like talking, you nag so terribly about things which you have said countless of times, and about things which just make me feel even more inadequate and angry. Thanks a lot.

Some people are making me so annoyed and pissed. Back off, I don't want to talk to you.

Tuition

2009-10-12T22:51:00.002+08:00

Today, tuition was entertaining. HAHA so many weird topics raymond lapsed into...and with khatib and the boys egging him on, it got soo funny man. I love my math tuition! I am so going to miss it when o's are over. Already, our last saturday session, with test, is this week. So fast! Our journey together's gonna be over soon. I'm glad I got to join it though, and even though its at the Bras Basah side, which is far from my beloved cousins, i'm still so glad everything worked out properly and that our class is so...interesting. =D

The boys were being childish today, throwing little bits of eraser around. =.= HOW STUPID IS THAT?! 16 years old...yes, 16 and still throwing eraser at others.
It was so lame Rachael and I were laughing like crazy behind. We sit right at the back with all the guys...ahhaha, can witness them doing all their stupid, silly, childish antics. I'm going to miss all this. :(
Raymond's passionately teaching us, facing the front and explaining..and i DO LISTEN OK. I listen to his explanations and all, but I find it so hilarious that behind his back little bits of white eraser pieces go flying around the room =.=, and he doesn't suspect a thing. Then when he turns to look at us and the guys, ahhahaha, I just nearly want to explode with laughter. The guys just sit there as if they're so innocent.

Some quotes from today (will be slightly edited, also because I can't really remember)

Raymond: "For the girls, must starve and not eat anything. For the guys...the problem's mainly the tummy." (haha, on looking good)

(when the topic deviated to fanciful drinks like wine and...jolly shandy?! and beer and all..)
Khatib: "No la, I don't drink any of those, I like drinking MILO."
HAHAHAHAHAA!

I love my tuition class so much! =D

found it!

2009-10-11T23:49:00.003+08:00

I finally found it, while I was pedalling furiously on a piece of machinery, no less, watching the repeat telecast of Singapore Idol.
Yup, finally found it when Duane Ho (who i am supporting because he's the same age as us..and is he taking o's this year too? I think so man! ALL THE BEST! May your Idol journey be really really worth it!) sang the song...

It's 當你 by 王心凌

當你的眼睛瞇著笑
當你喝可樂當你吵
我想對你好　你從來不知道
想你想你　也能成為嗜好

當你說今天的煩惱
我想對你說　卻害怕都說錯
好喜歡你　知不知道

YAY! HAHAHA. At last! :) For those who even bother reading the chinese words, they're in fan ti zi, but its okay, I think you'll still be able to recognise the words.
Hm it really does reflect on it, yay I finally managed to pin it down and find it! whooo.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMMA JEAN!!

2009-10-11T23:45:00.002+08:00

EMMA JEAN MY DEAREST COUSIN,

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Love you so much! :)
I'm so sorry I couldnt make it on Saturday. You have no idea how sad I felt about not being able to go. (so many sacrifices, they really make me feel miserable...so so miserable.)
After O's ok! Definitely definitely definitely! And we'll make this Christmas a blast!
See you soon! May you always be happy! God bless! <3

emotionless

2009-10-06T00:15:00.002+08:00

At times i just feel emotionless, feeling this big emptiness inside me, just feeling completely nothing at all, wanting nothing at all, seemingly seeing nothing at all, with just images of what I'm currently doing absently flashing by.

An emotionless state.
No space, no time, no energy to be thinking about you..no feelings at all. But I don't want it to go away.
A complete hole, not even wanting food! (can you believe that!)

Don't know if they'll ever see this, but 2 people have made me extremely glad and touched. These 2 people are

LEE MEI YING
LIM JOYANN

2 of my primary school besties. :)
They each contacted me on their own accord, wishing me luck and just sending me nice wishes.
I'm so glad that there're people out there who still care and remember.
Thank you so much you 2. Love you and miss you!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHIONG!

2009-09-29T23:47:00.002+08:00

CHIONG MY DEAR DARLING,

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND DON'T FOR A MOMENT THINK THAT I FORGOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DAY!
Yeah I know its late but still, thanks so much for being one of my bestest friends and i hope all your days will be happy. Thanks for all you've ever done for me, which is A LOT, and I'm always here for you.
:) love you lots!

2009-09-29T23:44:00.002+08:00

when i felt so troubled, so pressed from all corners, i immediately wished for you, wished you were with me, even if its just looking at you poring over your work, i don't mind. i knew i just wanted you here with me, right at that moment, because whenever i see you, i feel so much happier and lighter. i don't mind it, because i know you're going through the same thing as me. somehow, your presence makes everything seem better, less stressful, happy and go-lucky like you and that smile of yours.

aaah kory i wish you were home too.

2009-09-29T23:33:00.002+08:00

It's back to school tomorrow. School's become a place I really don't want to go to anymore. Sometimes, i don't even want to face or look at all of them. I dont want to be associated with them, to think about them, to be anywhere near them. (but can I even do this on my own?! I HAVE TO NO MATTER WHAT, I MUST! MUST!)

Haha I like how Joy says (there was one day when she said this), at 8am in the morning (school officially starts at 7.25am anyway), "I just want to goo home and (sleep)...!", while staring at the clock listlessly. HAHA. It's only 8am, and on that day I think we only got to go home at 5pm because of mocks. But well, that's how I feel everyday and how we feel everyday anyway. Dragging and dreading school.

I appreciate what the teachers are doing and have done for us, really I do. I understand their efforts, and am truly grateful for having such dedicated and hardworking teachers. They really care about us and I'm really touched by this. It's been as hard for you as it has been for us, probably much harder on you all. So thank you so much to all my teachers. I can see the strain and stress on their faces too, and I know its not easy.

But I still dislike school now (very much so). heh. but I really do love the teachers still.

Anyway, there was one day we had double chem (from 1250-230 in the afternoon, which is like major sleepy time.), then ss remedial, then emath mock paper 1 (at least it was paper 1, not so bad!), and we only got to go home at 5.30pm. that is late ok, by the time I reached home, it was about 7 plus already. I'm not complaining, just that we had to drag ourselves to survive that day =P
Thanks to HSJ (THANK YOU JOY CHEE FOR BRINGING YOUR LOVELY PHOTOS WHICH ARE DIRECT FROM JAPAN) photos (sadly, yes its only the photos), we managed to survive. haha can you believe it?! their photos help me get through the day. seriously. when i see their faces it always makes me smile. yay i hope chee brings some more tomorrow and everyday we have school. HSJ=SURVIVAL.
My gosh chee, look what you've done to me! Man but I'm not that overly obsessed and crazy over them. Actually I know why I suddenly seem to have taken an interest in them. Yeah I know why, so at least I know why. hm I might explain it after O's only though.

2009-09-29T23:28:00.002+08:00

I'm disgusted at myself too. first for trusting you, and also for other reasons not related to this at all. i can't believe myself at times. what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing?! what has happened to me?! i wish someone would..no, i cannot wish for someone, because I know there is noone. only i can change this, solely myself. i have to do it on my own. i have to. how much do i want it? what can i do? please, please, i have to, i have to do this better, work harder. there are no excuses, none at all. i don't want to look back with regrets, and cry and say shoot i knew i could've done this better. no, that terrifies me, i don't ever want to end up in that state. but what terrifies me even more is what i am doing even now. do i even have any sense?! please wake up! i am sooo disgusted at myself.

2009-09-29T23:22:00.002+08:00

He didn't take it as badly as i'd expected him to. thank you for that blessing. i can't believe i'm so stupid as to trust you. you, who never honour your word, don't seem to feel ashamed at it, and who thinks i'm always at your beck and call and always ready for cancellations. i don't need you, to be honest. if its not just to appease, i would've long kicked you out of my world and never bothered seeing your stupid face. you don't deserve any respect or any chance, because have you ever considered me? obviously not. i really wish i could trash you out, but i can't. i wish i could just leave you out from my world, but i can't. i wish he wouldn't be so big-headed and always think his way is right, so that you can just get lost. aren't you old and supposed to be mature? yeah right. as if you'll ever learn how to treat people better and realize that the whole world doesnt revolve around just you. i really hate your guts to bits and i wish so bad i don't ever need to see you again. even if to you, its just one person, it already reflects on you, and how badly you've been brought up, never taught to honour your promises? but i shall be the one in control, to not let how much you anger me show, that way, it shows that i'm the superior one, even if you think you are. i'm so disgusted at you.

Next time...

2009-09-19T23:05:00.003+08:00

The time is limited, I don't have that many chances, I should seize whatever opportunities I have, because I don't know what's going to happen after November. Maybe I'll never be able to see you, in reality, ever again. Only a few more times left...I wish I had cherished all the other times I had with you, maybe go back in time, realize it earlier, do more things about it.

So is this the answer to my prayer? To numb it? But it hasn't stopped anyway, still think a lot about it; always at the back of my mind. Always, always. Just that today I was feeling beat. pffft. I should make use of opportunities more. I have so many things to say, ask, talk about, but I completely forgot about all of them. HA. Says something doesn't it. My mind was just so whirled up, I couldn't think of anything. Why do all the things that I want to say come to my head (and just about threaten to spill out) only after I see the back of yours? When I see you walking away, not knowing when I'll see you again, not knowing when I'll get another chance. So, I better grab every chance I have, fight desperately for it, because everything's going to fall apart very soon.

The only thing I'll be sad about when Os finally end will be that Raymond's will never be the same again. Our class will be fully revamped, people won't join anymore, others will come in, people will be replaced and timings changed...basically everything will change.
I still remember when I first joined, how lonely and nervous I felt. But its been about 10 months now. We've journeyed together as a class for that long. We've slowly become closer. Actually I really don't know how we became closer. It wasn't through much interaction, because how much interaction can u have during tuition?! I guess it was because of familiarity. Because we seem to see each other so often, we just became close. That's really nice, because now, 10 months after joining, i feel so glad coming for tuition. It's like being reunited with another family. We can all talk together now, both boys and girls together, and not feel awkward or strange. Boys even ask us if we want to go have lunch with them. I'm really glad for all of you, and I'm going to miss our class so much, and all the memories we've had together, even if its just tuition and inside a room with Raymond. hahaha. I love you all, thanks for going on this journey with me. We'll make this last lap together, and hopefully, after that, we can have some gathering of some sort.

i'm already missing you, even though its just been since today.

AIYA, I'm missing many people right now. :( Why does everyone leave?

Ok I gotta go to bed now, tomorrow, its back to studying like a lunatic.

By the way I want to quote Cheryl Tan, "Yeah why don't you move back to ..., then you won't be represented by Boomz shit".

HAHAHA I don't know why but I find this really funny, what she said and the way she said it, it was hilarious!
Night!

19 sept..

2009-09-19T00:34:00.002+08:00

I'm not hoping, nor imagining. I won't look at that door tomorrow, because I simply won't be able to take it if it doesn't happen.

(where were you, I really wanted to talk to you and ask you something of utmost importance..)

So i'm not going to look, I'm not going to carry that hope when I go tomorrow. I might as well just be a dead thing, dying and wasting away on the inside.

I feel your pain, your dread...your sadness (?). I can't believe you could cry, I always saw you as someone who was just floating around in life, happy go lucky, not caring and taking everything in your stride. But cry? A big boy like you...You must be really really afraid.
I wish I could help you, comfort you, try to walk you through your task and this ordeal. But if you make it, you'll emerge really strong. I'll pray for you, and wish you all the best, and do keep safe.

I want to reach out to you, to tell you I care and understand and comfort you and maybe ease your fear, but I won't. We've drifted apart, and have never been really close anyway.
But you're family, and I'll always love you.

So, I love you, be strong and I'll always be supporting you.

don't

2009-09-15T17:07:00.001+08:00

don't dream, don't imagine, don't wish, don't hope,

because,

that'll only lead to diappointment and heartbreak.

OVER

2008-10-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

Kinda late but....

YES MY EXAMS ARE OVER! =D

It's SCGS Open House tomorrow. Not very relaxing huh. Everyone must come ok! And be awed by our lovely school =) Everyone (all the CCAs, teachers, students) have been really diligently hard at work beautifying the school, and it looks really really STUNNING now. Especially the hall which was done up by the various CCAs. It looks like a party world! hah! So many balloons! There're even tutus and dyed, colourful pointe shoes. (from dance of course!! yay!) NICE!

Anyway, at least I'm really glad that I don't have to bury my nose and eyes in text and assessment books all day long now. But, we'll be getting back a shocking SIXXX exam papers on Monday! Definitely NOT very relaxing la! sheesh. I am super scared for chem, I know I screwed that test paper very badly. Need serious time management secrets...please tell me anyone, how you manage to finish your exam papers. HEH.

Been holing myself up doing business all day long now. Ah well, we can pull through! OOK. Let me check my wonderful, all-inspiring list on what I'd plan to do after eoys.

1. Sticky Chewy Gooey Messy Book - I'll save up money for it (by hook or by crook), and start whipping up all those stuff inside. HM. I went to Borders straight after eoys. (BOTH Borders in Singapore ook!! HMPH) to look for this book. BUT BOTH places were out of stock. OHMAN OHMAN! The stock better come sooon! I want to use the voucher that my dear friend CHEE specially ran up to the library to print out for me on mon when we went to Borders. HURRY UPPP! If not I'll make your rival, Times, richer by buying the book from them. Now, we don't want to be losing business right? ;)
2. WOW- I don't care, I wanna start on it again. Can't wait to go exploring. I shall make my bro support me in this. =) (i.e. use his money. HAHAHAH) NO TIME EH!! BUT STILL, I AM DETERMINED TO PULL THROUGH AND ACCOMPLISH THIS GOAL.
3. Going shopping and getting nice stuff- WHOO! With my darling friends. Not to mention all the eating and kinda food we'll gorge ourselves along the way. NOT COMPLETED YET TOO! darn. Plus, what with the bad economy now. SIGH. should we become skinny and tighten our belts? =( But still gonna go shopping with Chiong and Jenn and Chuch anyways. (even if its just window-shopping). CHIONG! BV, HV, J8..! =D
4. Reading my Edge Chronicles books- yet more exploring to do! YAY! I went to the Pasir Ris library but the ones I needed were all on loan. DARNN!
5. Get the twilight saga and start crazing over it again (with joyce and nan)- HELLO EDWARD CULLEN! =) UM. 3/4 completed? HEH. I only bought the first 3 books because all the Breaking Dawn books were kinda in bad shape. ACK. and I'm only about 50+ pages through Twilight. AHHAHAH.
6. Meet up with my beloved primary school friends- this is a MUST. AHEM leong shenghao don't be such a...a...um..mood breaker. tan tianhoe..make sure there's no more BEAUTIFUL MISUNDERSTANDING!! AHHAHA HAHHAA. can't wait to be with you all again! (i've missed u all soo soo much!) Currently sort of planning with Meiying now. =) it WILL MATERIALIZE!
7. Hoping to do cip with Andrea (hopefully jenn and sam too!) at the library. AHHAH. I need my cip library therapy! And Andrea I promised you didn't i? I'll try my best. =) I really really wanna do this, but with our lovely extended lessons til 7 Nov, and Andrea signing up for work experience...mm...we'll pray!
8. (I'll try to keep away from Ms Lau and the other teachers. and their dreaded work. =P) HA! Obviously working for a bit these few days. I've been kidnapped into the Imac lab. =D

Um. Oh man. I've hardly achieved any of my goals. hahaha. Sigh never mind, we've got, 3 months to work at it! =)

OH! I really want to thank these darling people for helping and encouraging me through my eoy period. I really found it tough-going because there was just sooo much to do and study for. So, my greatest thanks to all you lovely people

JOYCE CHIONG, JENNIFER KOH, JOY CHEE, VALERIE KHOO, CHENG LIN CHUCH, YANI, SAMANTHA ONG, Salome, Nat Chia
TAN TIAN HOE, LEE MEI YING, Leong Shenghao

Thanks so much you people, for bothering to write to me and sms me during the eoy period to encourage me on and distract me from studying (even though you all were probably busy studying yourselves). it really meant a lot and it really did help me! And I know i smsed some really weird stuff you some of you, but yet you still bothered to reply. HAHHA. thanks!
i really LOVE you guys to bits.

Alright, onward to achieve my goals. i better go sleep early so i can be a good host to people tomorrow. But I am going to read some twilight first. =)

GOOD NIGHT!

Hari Raya tomorrow!

2008-09-30T16:47:00.002+08:00

Physics, Bio, and EL and Chi paper 2s left. GAH.

Today we finished our HCL paper 1 early (the exact time we finished was 10.01am), and then Andrea was going home by herself!! YAY!!

So we went to TM to have LJS for lunch! (see la Andrea I just had LJS one week ago! OOPS. See how much I love you!!! MUAHAHA [= ) Then we had banana + choc ice cream crepes (which we superr nicee!!) and walked around looking at really cute stuff. It was aimless, mindless activity, yes, (and time was wasted for Phy..ohgosh I feel so guilty as I'm typing this), but I think we both found it..in a way..I don't know what word to use but Andrea said "We should do this more often".

Haha yes its nice! Just (trying to, at this point), doing something without actually have to wreck your brains, and just having absolutely nothing to do, is probably the best thing we can get right now. I think there's hardly a chance left in this world for people to just sit around and do nothing, and appreciate the world around them.

Yesterday, I was wondering about what exams truly meant. I mean, we're probably not going to remember the things we've learnt 30 years later, but I think maybe exams are a test of more than just knowledge. Maybe its also to test endurance, time management (which I totally stink at and need LOADS of practice), and...emotional and psychological management? heh I don't know.

I read Mypaper yesterday and saw that they had classified Emma Watson (Hermione in Harry Potter movies) as a "star student" because she had gotten 10 As for GCSE (I think that means o-levels) and about 4 As for her A levels. Isn't that inspiring? As in, if she can do it, with all her hectic filming schedule, I guess we can to! And she was a hardworking person too, I read that she had her homework sent to her then did it then sent it back for marking. All this while she was filming. WOW.

Ok its only a few more days left to this EOY finishing. Just concentrateeee! Since I definitely ruined Chem, must try to buck up for the remaining sciences and languages. Go physics! Go bio! hahhaa love you all (not). =P

And HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY CHIONGGG! =D It was nice to have lunch with you guys at square2 yesterday! Found out about so many cool things there. And yes let's add junction8 to list of destinations! MUAHA. May all your wishes come true! <3

Alright JIA YOU everyone for this last lap!!

OH YES. I want to talk about F1!! I am sooo proud of Singapore for doing such a great F1 Grand Prix! When I saw it on tv, the atmosphere looked so lovely! All the lights were so bright and dazzling! And I think Singapore's really managed to create lots of hype about it! Even for me, I didn't even probably really knew F1 existed and what it stood for (I'd only heard about Lewis Hamilton and even then I didn't really get the point of his fame. HEH.)! But now, I'm feeling very excited about it and I can't wait for the next Singapore Grand Prix in 2009! (but ohgosh that's our Os year!!). I REALLY HOPE the telly'll show the race in Japan!! I REALLLY WANNA WATCH!!! (and I dont have cable so I really hope mediacorp's channel 5 will cater to what I think is everyone's needs! HAHAHA.=P P.L.E.A.S.E!!! =D)
OOOH and I like Nico Rosberg. I think he did a marvellous job of clinching second place! How lovely! May he continue to be in the top 3 positions!! Jia youu! I felt really really sad and sorry for Ferrari though. Oh never mind! I bet they'll be able to climb back up! ALL THE BEST!

Alright ALL THE BEST TO US HAVING EOY TOOO! AND, NOW,

ME,

GO STUDY.

nice time yesterday!

2008-09-27T19:11:00.003+08:00

I had one of the nicest, loveliest and warmest msn conversations yesterday. Probably one of the best. =)

Thanks so much Leong Shenghao, for always being so nice to talk to.

As of yesterday, all my humans papers are over! So at least that cuts out a huge chunk to study. After Monday, I'll be even more relieved. There'll only be Chinese, Phy, bio and Eng paper 2 left after that. But then, bio is GAH. =( Never mind its going to be over soon!

Yes so I was slacking around on the com yesterday, just chatting on msn. It was kinda bad. I think most people were slacking off yesterday already. That shows we shouldn't stretch exams over the weekend. HAHAHA. But then everyone would just die if exams were all concentrated into one week.

Yeah so I chatted with Shenghao, my VERY BAD CASE OF SHORT TERM MEMORY FRIEND. =D Haha seriously I think you need to go get it checked. =P
But I truly had a very nice time last night talking online. And the talk stretched for about 2 hours? It probably would've been longer, had it not been for my bro luhhh. Hehh. But then my eyes were tired anyway. See la shenghao you made my study plan go awry (I had wanted to TRY to finish amath revision), and made my eyes so tired today I could hardly prevent myself from falling asleep when I was studying. =.= And I think I was distracted today because i kept on thinking about that conversation. LOL. See la!!! study wrecker. HAHAHA.

but,

I wouldn't have missed that conversation for the world. :)

<3
you lots friend! jia you for eoy!

EOY is coming

2008-08-31T11:57:00.002+08:00

The grand EOY exams are coming again. Still remember how much I struggled last year trying to study. EEK. This year's gonna be even worse.10 (cos its COMBINED HUMANS) subjects, with so much complicating and overwhelming knowledge.

And I havent exactly started. (what am i still doing here!!!?)
I'll put some inspiration up here to get started. teehee. hope it'll work man.

here goes the inspiration list:

Things to look forward to after EOY (which officially end on 6 OCTOBER 2008)

1. Sticky Chewy Gooey Messy Book - I'll save up money for it (by hook or by crook), and start whipping up all those stuff inside.
2. WOW- I don't care, I wanna start on it again. Can't wait to go exploring. I shall make my bro support me in this. =) (i.e. use his money. HAHAHAH)
3. Going shopping and getting nice stuff- WHOO! With my darling friends. Not to mention all the eating and kinda food we'll gorge ourselves along the way.
4. Reading my Edge Chronicles books- yet more exploring to do! YAY!
5. Get the twilight saga and start crazing over it again (with joyce and nan)- HELLO EDWARD CULLEN! =)
6. Meet up with my beloved primary school friends- this is a MUST. AHEM leong shenghao don't be such a...a...um..mood breaker. tan tianhoe..make sure there's no more BEAUTIFUL MISUNDERSTANDING!! AHHAHA HAHHAA. can't wait to be with you all again! (i've missed u all soo soo much!)
7. Hoping to do cip with Andrea (hopefully jenn and sam too!) at the library. AHHAH. I need my cip library therapy! And Andrea I promised you didn't i? I'll try my best. =)
8. (I'll try to keep away from Ms Lau and the other teachers. and their dreaded work. =P)

9. Total relaxation from academics stuff! (but I shall try my best to not fling everything I've studied so hard out of my brain. OOK?)

Um, I have to admit I dont really feel inspired but..

ITS JUST A FEW MORE WEEKS!
I CAN DO THIS!
I WILL DO THIS!
I MUST DO THIS!
I SHALL DO THIS!
MY STUDY PLAN ABSOLUTELY CANNOT GO AWRY!

OK OFF I GO!
AND ALL THE BEST AND JIA YOU DEAR FRIENDS!
CHIONG, CHUCH, JENN, SAM, CHEE, YANI, VAL, JOCE, ANDREA... JIA YOUUU!!! <3>

OLYMPICS

2008-08-18T22:09:00.002+08:00

I am burning with a 45 degrees celcius fever...

OLYMPIC FEVER!!

=D
Olympic fever has certainly hit all of us! I've never felt so INTO THE OLYMPICS before! maybe its because the host country is so near to us. And congrats Beijing! I think they did a splendid job for the opening ceremony. They've really put in so much effort to make this event perfect! Aren't we all proud of them!

Yes anyway, i've really enjoyed watching these events- SWIMMING, GYMNASTICS AND OF COURSE, TABLE TENNIS!

I think the Singapore ping pong team really did awesome-ly. HAHA. Finally, a medal! they must be feeling sooo goooood.

As for gymnastics, man, my jaw never fails to drop when I see the gymnasts do their twirls and spins and jumps and flips. I really love love love the gymnastics. But so far I've only seen the artistic gymnastics. and man,

I LOVE NASTIA LIUKIN! GOLD MEDALLIST FOR WOMEN'S ALL AROUND INDIVIDUAL A. GYMNASTICS!
The newspapers really put it right- she is long, lean, effortlessly graceful and of impeccable parentage. I think so too man. Most gymnasts train so hard they become rather chunky with all the muscles but Nastia is sooo lean!! She has a beautiful body! Oh man I wish i had her body. She seems so skinny but you can see she's really strong. And her lines are awesome. So graceful, and yeah, perhaps the newspapers was right again when they said this is the closest gymnastics has to royalty.
She truly is the gymnastics queen and I'm really inspired by her. (Um, to do what exactly? Not to become a gymnast like her la, although I'd really love to. But maybe, she's showed me how to perservere, through her tough trainings-36 hours a week ok!, and through her falls and failures.)

I think Shawn Johnson is really great too! She's really powerful, and though she's shorter than Nastia and cuter..=P, she really delivers those flips and turns with lotsa power and precision.

Bottom Line is..I LOVE THOSE GYMNASTS AND THE GYMNASTICS EVENTS!

And swimming, yeah duh Phelps Phelps Phelps! He really is great. And I think his style and body shape really helps him a lot. Plus his training and everything. he is just WOW.

Yes Olympics really is cool. But at the same time, you see all the hardship the athletes have to go through, and their utmost determination and perserverance!

Ahh! I'm so sad the games are gonna end this weekend. =(
Quick go grab as much olympic fever as u can right now!

today

2008-07-21T18:05:00.002+08:00

HAVE YOU READ THIS BOOK YET?

IF YOU HAVEN'T, YOU SHOULD BARREL AND DASH AND SPRINT AND LUNGE FOR IT. =D ITS AN AWESOME BOOK.

This is the first book in THE EDGE CHRONICLES BY PAUL STEWART AND CHRIS RIDDELL.

Title: THE CURSE OF THE GLOAMGLOZER.

Alright, even though I've not read the rest of the books, I can promise you this series of chronicles are FANTASTIC. They're really really GOOD. Aiya, anyway I bet even after finishing the first book you'd definitely be tempted to read the rest.

The Quint Saga
The Curse of the Gloamglozer
The Winter Knights
Clash of the Sky Galleons

The Twig Saga
"Beyond the Deepwoods
"Stormchaser
"Midnight Over Sanctaphrax

The Rook Saga
The Last of the Sky Pirates
Vox
Freeglader

Standalone Books
The Lost Barkscrolls (2007)

Yeps, here's the book list. AHHA. Go in order. =) All the people are related (i.e Quint, Twig, Rook). now, what are you waiting for? GO READ.

I went to Bukit Timah Nature reserve today with Cheryl, Shimin and Sarah for a field observation. LOL. We had fun! More about it and pics next time. =) I gotta go command my brain to put in some knowledge of physics and emaths. T.T

I'd so rather be in THE EDGE. and you would too.

GARTH NIX NEW BOOK!!!

2008-07-13T19:40:00.002+08:00

EVERYONE, REJOICE!

"Garth Nix has recently signed a reported seven figure deal for three new titles, with two being additions to the Old Kingdom series, a prequel and a sequel; the first, which has the working title Clariel: The Lost Abhorsen, will appear in 2010 and 2011." - taken from wikipedia

HOORAY!! CLAP CLAP CLAPP!!

ARE YOU HAPPY OR ARE YOU ELATED!? As for me, I can't sit still in my seat! Finally, another old kingdom book!! I've loved that trilogy for ages! OK, now i just have to wait for....2 years! T.T (ah ok well, better than not being able to have any book at all)

Quick, someone give Garth Nix another 7, no, 8, 9, 10 figure deal!! HAHAHAHA.

OK, so folks, something to look forward to in 2 years, something else other than our O level results uh.. sigh.

Ann Loh appeared in my dreams last night. LOL. Well, I miss her loads. And I miss all the J1s too!! lots and lots. =( Tomorrow's gonna be the day where we'll be the eldest, where we'll be the ones whom everyone's depending on. Can you all still remember when we first entered, as scared, shy, apprehensive sec 1s? The love we all shared, the wonderful memories we all had..? Are you ready?

I don't know. But we'll try won't we?

We'll try our very best.

hope

2008-06-09T23:30:00.002+08:00

Yay i finished the Gatsby essay! =D and did one chinese story reflection. and read until page 143 of Midsummer. OK LETS CONTINUE THE PROGRESS. (even though I still got loads loads more never ending stuff to do but yes...)

Today I felt like going out so badly but dunno why, everything just suddenly squashed that feeling when I realized i still have 8 heymath benchmarks 5 physics quizzes 6 chi papers including compos 4 cheem stories to write reflections amath mind map and all the tests to study for. (and whatever else homework that i left out...)

But yeah, i shall do my utmost best best best to do up everything by thurs cos i might be sort of going away during the weekend! finally, away! HAHA. =P

and well, had a good time lamenting and talking to yani and joce this afternoon after b@s meeting with nat, aud and cass. =) its so nice talking to you guys! love you all so much! HAHAHA JOCE AND I WERE COMMENTING ON THE BLOND GUY IN PRINCE CASPIAN. ;)

Speaking of prince caspian, i think its such a cool show! the visual effects are STUNNING GREAT AWESOME MAGNIFICENT MARVELLOUS...and the Narnia world is soo beautiful i wish i lived in there. and peter is just..wow man.
still remember on the thursday after i watched prince caspian and when i went for ballet, moreira and i were like fooling around and laughing over caspian and peter. ahhaha. it was soo super funny. and i realized that i've known moreira (and spent half my life of more, even) for about half my life! that's thanks to her good good good memory la. i can't remember much about my young ballet days, save for the fact that i've been with you bunch of people for sooo long, Ms Lee included. HEE. =D and i still love you all so much!

and sam ong! thanks for a wonderful time on wed! when we went to watch prince caspian. =D yes we should do it more often!
(hahaha and thanks to tan tianhoe too for putting up with all my..uh...comments about peter. ;] )

well, i'm off now. everyone continue to jia you! =D (ooh i love reading midsummer. all the fairy stuff is so cool! but i don't wanna do a asjfsasarf thesis on it!? HELP ME SOMEONE.! )

i'm off to HOMEWORK LAND. (the most exciting and wonderful place on earth, admission is free but be weary of after effects. do come join me for the most adventurous and thrilling ride of your life!)

:)

=.=

2008-06-08T23:21:00.002+08:00

happy hols indeed. happy happy happy. i feel so...(stressed is just an understatement probably. LOL)...

yeah but anyway, i can't seem to really enjoy my hols. everyday i'm just thinking about all the test awaiting for me when i start school and everyday i'm just counting down the time left for me to do my homework and study for the tests. every single day my mind just can't seem to rest.

well maybe it's just that i haven't been utilising my time properly, after all, everyone has 24 hours in a day. but shouldn't holidays be a time to relax and play? as in, yes, i do see all the need for homework and stuff, but...i don't know, i don't feel in the mood to do all of those kind of things when its the HOLIDAYS, mind you.

and this year's just been crazy, i study (i guess), but never seem to get good results. i try my best, but seem to get nowhere. i put in my effort, but it never seems to be enough. WELL...
2 more weeks before the holidays end...and that event is drawing near. i wish it were like at the start of the hols, then it could be long over and done with.

i really hate it that u just abandoned everything and left. everything on my shoulders, yes, thats what u did. i know i can't complain cos its your time, and i'm not exactly blaming u for leaving, but all the apologies, i feel they're so fake. I'M SORRY. i guess i'm not the right one to do it then.

and i miss so many people so much. =( i so wish they were here with me, to understand, and to just keep me company. man, i miss those times we had together, and i wish so much so much that i could go back and be with you all.

well, i can't do anything but just continue to do my best. =D i believe GOD will bless me, and help me through this. anyway, i bet many other people have a tougher life than me, so,

JIA YOU EVERYONE! <3
God bless.

facs performance on youtube

2008-06-03T14:57:00.002+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsM9_8yNSyM

OOOH YES. GO WATCH THIS.

IT'S OUR UBER WONDERFUL COOL FACS PERFORMANCE. =D

More memories

2008-06-03T14:26:00.003+08:00

Some pics from one of the most wonderful events in my life...

14 SLC <3

The Auditorium, where we had all our consortium meetings and where our ultra hyped up grand finale took place. =D
EGLACIA <3 (some of) My group members, hard at work....

filling in a feedback form. HAHA.

some of the FACS! my lovesss <3 href="http://bp1.blogger.com/_I30xkE8LzNM/SETl1yPEOUI/AAAAAAAAABo/_nzYNaAYBB8/s1600-h/DSC01146.JPG"> The OT jumping...hurray for these people mans.
The ops room where we always gathered before and after SLC. oh, it was temporary dance rehearsal for us there too..for a while. =x heh sorry chern yuen!

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!

Xiaoyou, Zhiting, Iris, Jen Yi, Priscilla Keng,
i can't thank you enough,
for smearing my face with cake (til i felt like some make up panda..LOL), for being so fun, for just celebrating and being happy with me!

ZHITING, cakes can never be too chocolatey for me. AHHAHAHA

and Steph, Salome, Joyslyn, Nicole, Nadia, Su Ching, Mars, Nandini and Wai Lam,

i love you guys to the max.

BDAY!

2008-06-02T17:38:00.004+08:00

WELCOME TO 15. =D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

thanks XIAOYOU, IRIS, JEN YI, ZHITING AND PRISCILLA KENG for giving me such a nice cake and for making today special! =D
I LOVE YOU GUYS LOADS! <3

gonna go out for dinner with my family later (excluding my bro, who's charging around at army now.. =(
YAY CRAB! HAHA!

Also,
thanks,

Tianhoe
Jia En
Ashley
Jennifer!
Mel
Brenda
Emma
Joyce Tan
Zahirah
Jocelyn
Kor! =)
Sandra
Andrea
Zayana
Samantha onggg
Nicole Chua
Joyslyn
Nadia
Izumi
Yusnellie
PeiShan
ZeXin
Yani
Val and Van Khoo for making me such a delicious jellyheart!

MUM AND DAD!

=D
love you guys!